


Keep Your Faith

by ThirteensGalaxy



Series: Keep Your Faith Series [1]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/F, Femslash, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, POV Female Character, Slow Burn, Smut, So much angst, thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2019-10-14 18:00:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 67,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17513288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThirteensGalaxy/pseuds/ThirteensGalaxy
Summary: The Thirteenth Doctor and Team TARDIS experience some peculiar rainstorms which take them on an adventure.100% slow burner between the Doc and Yaz.Also first person Yaz POV.





	1. To Build A Home

“Right!” The Doctor put her hands on her hips, her light blue coat trailing behind her elbows and down her back. “Where to now?”

I looked around the TARDIS control room, Graham and Ryan were offering no ideas, and I watched as the Doctor moved her hands from her hips to lean on onto the console.

“No ideas, you lot? That’s a first. Something got you guys down?”

Graham and Ryan shared a sneaky look before Graham piped up. “No, Doc, just tired from our last outing, is all. You know, almost being murdered by horse-sized pigs really takes it out of ya.”

I nodded. “Yes, Doctor,” I started as she looked towards me, her smile faltering. “I don’t think we’ve slept since the last outing.” I smiled reassuringly at her. “Give us a few hours and we’ll be ready for a new adventure in no time.”

“Oh,” The Doctor swung her arms forward and backwards, like a giant awkward puppy, before pushing her hands into her pockets. “I sometimes forget that you guys need regular sleep and such. Sorry.”

“No worries,” Graham flapped his hands nonchalantly and started off towards his bedroom. “We sometimes forget that you’re over two thousand years old.”

The Doctor sighed slightly, a sad smile graced her lips. “I suppose you three are off then?”

“Sorry, Doctor, I’m beat,” Ryan followed after his granddad as the Doctor turned to me.

My eyes were burning, and I couldn’t remember the last thing I ate. My body felt tense from being chased and the adrenaline was still fresh and exhausting as it coursed through my body. The Doctor was never very still, always tinkering away at this or that. And definitely always eager to show us the universe. I would stay awake all the time if I could. I lent back against the TARDIS wall and sighed.

“You know I’d stay awake if I could, Doctor,” She gave me a weak smile.

“I sometimes forget that you guys need to sleep and eat. I mean, even I need to eat and rest, but it seems not nearly so often as you lot. You’d think after all these years I’d be used to human company, but I just get so _excited._ ”

A sadness flashed in her eyes that I could never hope to comprehend, belying her true age, before it was gone again and the smile was back, crinkling up her nose.

 “Goodnight, Doctor. Adventures await,” I walked past, gently touching her arm, a gesture to comfort her, though I knew my touch probably had no effect on the whirring of her emotions.

Her smile was gentle as she touched my hand lightly. “That they do, Yasmin Khan. Goodnight.”

~

I’m not sure how much I slept. I was having nightmares of those stupid massive killer pigs. Who knew that over a thousand light years away there was a planet with a serious pig problem? Of course, the Doctor was the one to solve the problem and save the day. But even with the comforting whir of the TARDIS as it flew through space, and the knowledge that the Doctor was somewhere close by, within the same walls, I still felt anxious. A deep, unsettling anxiety that I couldn’t quite place. I’d felt the same sort of thing before, on the job when men would shout names at me. It was the feeling that something was going to go wrong, that there was a danger, but I didn’t know what. I hoped it was just the remnants of my nightmare. Even so, I decided sleep was futile.

I got up, pulling on some joggers with my baggy t-shirt, and headed towards the kitchen. I was still amazed of what the TARDIS was capable of, even after all this time with the Doctor, the magnificence of her ship and especially herself, was not lost on me. It was all curiously glorious and beautiful.

I yawned, running a hand through my dark hair, sleep tousled and knotted, as I walked into the kitchen. Even though the appliances were human in nature, the room, as simple as a kitchen was, was still beautiful. The whole TARDIS interior echoed a feeling of grandeur as well as homeliness. I made the fastest cup of coffee ever, thanks to the high-tech coffee machine, and held it in my hands, enjoying the warmth. I was giving up on the idea of sleep, despite feeling quite exhausted. My mind felt uneasy. I was hoping the coffee would help.

I walked towards the console room, hoping to take a look at the images on the video panels of the universe streaming by outside, maybe even open the TARDIS doors to look out if I felt brave enough. As I rounded the corner, I could hear the Doctor muttering something under her breath. She must have heard me coming because her head shot up as soon as I was in view, her blonde hair flicking from the motion before settling back into place. She frowned.

“You okay, Yaz?” She glanced down to the coffee in my hand, obviously sensing my refusal to try and sleep any longer. “You’ve only been out for a couple of hours.”

I nodded, the Doctor’s voice and presence flowing over my anxiety like a soft breath of air tickling my face. I smiled. “I’m fine, just can’t sleep is all. Nightmares about those pigs,” I let slip a small laugh and the Doctor shot me a warm smile.

“Sorry,” she had her sleeves rolled up, exposing the lilac lining of her coat. “I have some pills that will help you if you want them? Just don’t take more than three else you’ll breakout in lots of spots. It’s not very nice.” The doctor grimaced, walked around the console to make for said pills.

“No, Doctor! I’m fine, really,” It’s not that I didn’t trust the Doctor, but I didn’t trust myself, knowing me I’d break out in said spots regardless of how many I took.

The Doctor’s brow furrowed, as she ceased reaching for the pills. “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” I smiled. I made a move then to walk towards the Doctor. “What do you do in here all night while we sleep?”

“Just check up on things, make sure everything’s okay with the old girl,” she patted the TARDIS gently. “But mostly I just think… and read. I like to read. Only now I feel like I’m running out of books. Do you have any books, Yaz?” She pushed herself off the TARDIS console and sat down on the stairs.

I sat beside her, still cradling my warm mug in my hands. “Do you know what, Doctor? I think I do,” I smiled, a few possibilities flittered through my head before I settled on one.

“Oh, brilliant!” Her face shone almost like the sun, her excitement filling every pore. “I hope I haven’t read it before. I’ve read some Earth books, but not a lot. I mean, not all of it. I mainly read the historical ones, always got to keep my knowledge up about Earth, keeping you lot safe an’ all. Though, I once read a book about a doll that became a boy! And every time he’d lie, his nose would grow! Can you believe that, Yaz?”

I smiled at the Doctor’s apparent joy and excitement over the simple things in life. It truly amazed me that this alien, this god-only-knows-how-old alien, was still so excited by life. I wanted to be like her. Her hazel eyes glittered as she waited for my response. “I have one for ya. Try _Harry Potter_ , very popular on Earth. I have the box set in my bedroom, it’s a must-have.”

Her face crinkled as she debated the name of the novels. “Harry Potter?” she rolled it around her tongue. “I’ve heard that name before. Is he the one that has the magic ring?”

I laughed and she frowned at me, looking like a perplexed child. “No, Doctor, that’s a different set of novels. Close though! It’s about wizards, witches and magic.”

“Magic?” Her nose was still crinkled. “There’s no such thing as magic, Yaz. Only science and technology!” The Doctor jumped up onto her feet, her sudden burst of energy startling me. “I shall read this _Harry Potter_ of yours and see if it’s as good as you say, though it doesn’t sound promising. I hope I like it though, you wouldn’t want it to taint my view of you, would you, Yaz?”

My heart leapt in my chest as I stood up to follow the Doctor. As silly as it sounded, I always wanted to please her. She was the best person I’d ever met and would probably ever meet. I wanted her to only think good things of me. I gulped, suddenly feeling nervous. Her smile dropped slightly as she sensed my nerves, before breaking into a sunny grin.

“Ah, I’m only messing with you. Did I take the joke too far?” Her eyebrow shot up as she seemed to think over what she said, determining where she might have gone wrong in her attempt at human banter.

“No, Doctor. It’s my fault,” I started walking back towards my room, and as I walked past the Doctor, her familiar smell warmed me a little.

She turned around to follow me. “I’m excited, Yaz,” She did a little jump as she reached my side, her feet landing with a gentle clatter. “I haven’t had any book recommendations for ages!” She clasped her hands together, smiling. Her ceaseless energy still amazed and awed me.

I suddenly felt exhausted, the feeling of anxiety was dimmer now, like an annoying hum inside. I felt like I could try and sleep. Thank god I hadn’t drank any of the coffee. The warmth of it comforted me, though not near as much as the Doctor’s gentle footsteps at my side. She stayed with me until I reached my room.

“Well?” She beamed, rocking to and fro in her eagerness.

I put my mug down on my dresser, the one the TARDIS kindly fashioned for me, and pulled the books from my shelf.

The Doctor stared at them like a child gawking at sweets. “Gimme!” she did a small hop and clapped her hands as I neared her.

“There,” I smiled, gently, fatigue crawling upon me very suddenly, dropping the books into her eager hands. “Don’t stay up too late reading them, Doctor.”

She looked down at her prize, smiling. She seemed very happy tonight. “Goodnight, again, Yasmin Khan. And sweet dreams.” She turned away from the door, skipping down the hallway.

“Goodnight, Doctor,” I said, though I’m not sure she heard me.

I turned the light out and crashed onto my bed. The Doctor’s blessing worked, I had nothing but sweet dreams all night. Not one killer pig in sight.

~

I yawned, walking into the console room, Graham and Ryan were already up and sitting on some bean bags. For once, the Doctor wasn’t tinkering with the console. I couldn’t see her anywhere.

“Do you wanna go back?” Graham asked Ryan.

He smiled, sadly. “I think so.”

I felt like I was intruding on something personal, but they saw me looking and beckoned me over.

“We’re going back to Sheffield, Yaz,” Graham said, almost apologetically.

I cocked my head, puzzled. “Why?”

Ryan looked dejected. “Well, it’s been a few months now since Nan… and well I just wanted to pay me respects.”

I nodded, understanding. “I wouldn’t mind popping home to see my family either. I hope the Doctor doesn’t mind, she was looking forward to taking us somewhere,” I looked around the console room. “Speaking of the Doctor, where is she?” It felt like something was missing when she wasn’t here.

Graham shrugged his shoulders. “Gawd knows, probably off making some weird contraption or tinkering with something.”

“I’m reading, thank you very much!” The Doctor strode into the console room, her coat trailing behind her made her look so powerful. She had _Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince_ balancing daintily on one hand, she was about half way through.

“Doctor!” I yelled, even though I knew the Doctor to be capable of anything, it still shocked me that she had almost finished the series overnight.

The Doctor jumped, stopped her powerful strides, and looked sheepish. I instantly felt bad as she looked at me like a scolded puppy. “What did I do?” 

“You’re on the sixth book?” I nodded to the book in her hand and the sheepish look on her face lessened only slightly as she shifted from foot to foot.

“Well, I had some things to sort out last night, didn’t have time to read as much as I wanted to. I’m not sure what to make of it, really. I mean, there’s no such thing as magic, and those wands remind me alarmingly of Dalek lasers, but I like Harry! Does he turn out to be evil? Or die?” The Doctor pulled a distasteful expression. “I hope not.”

We all just stared at the Doctor, dumbfounded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the POV.  
> I (think?) I'm one of the few that chose to write Thasmin first person.  
> I have a lot of this written, I'm just seeing if people like it before I post more.  
> Anyway, I hope you liked the first part!


	2. Devil's Spoke

The Doctor was sulking, even as she ran around the console, dancing her fingers across this button and that dial. Now dressed and full of food, I grabbed one of the outer crystals as the TARDIS began her descent. It was always a bumpy ride, I’m not sure how proficient the Doctor really was at flying her ship, not that I would ever say that.

She pulled one more lever before clapping her hands. “Right!” she said, as she gave a dazzling smile, as much as she could through her annoyance, and the ship began to steady, “we’re here.”

“Thanks again, Doctor,” Ryan said, giving her a small smile.

She was happy for us to come home for a bit, in her mind she had all the time in the world for exploring the universe, though she was unhappy about one thing.

“I can’t believe you told me that Dumbledore dies,” she huffed, glaring at Ryan and walking down the ramp towards the door like a two-thousand-year-old child.

“Sorry! I thought you’d read that bit!” Ryan said, throwing his hands up defensively.

She leaned towards him. “Well I haven’t!” She took a steady breath. “Come on then, fam,” The TARDIS door creaked as she opened it and greeted us to the sight of one helluva rainstorm, the Doctor’s annoyance quickly dissipated.

“Bloody ‘ell,” Graham yelled over the hammer of rain. “How we gonna get to the graveyard in all of this?”

The rain thundered down from the sky. It was so dark you would have thought it was later than the early afternoon that the TARDIS had shown. It splattered on the pavement in great big puddles and soaked the interior of the TARDIS where the door stood open.

“It’s alright,” Ryan said, pulling his hood up. “Just a bit of water, gramps.”

Graham looked dubious but knew that this day was important for them both. I was glad that they had each other. It was hard times and Grace would’ve wanted them to support each other. “Alright, but we ain’t stopping out long otherwise we’ll catch our deaths.”

The Doctor moved to grab something from the other end of the room. “Here,” she handed them a large umbrella. “The TARDIS provides. Stay safe you two, get in touch when you’re done.”

Graham took the umbrella and shot the Doctor a grateful smile. “Thanks, Doc.”

She nodded, smiling gently as we watched them walk into the hammering stream that clattered the ground.

“Be careful!” I shouted as I watched the umbrella pop-up, them huddle underneath it, and start the short walk to the cemetery. Ryan gave me the thumbs up. They would be okay.

“I presume you want to go and spend some time with your family too, Yaz?” The Doctor looked at me, her beautiful face, calm and patient.

“Actually, I was thinking we could do something fun? Know anything fun to do in the rain?”

The Doctor smiled so much it made me smile back at her. She turned and walked into the rain, the water instantly battering her coat. “Come on, Yaz!” I followed her until the door, waiting on the threshold.

Little splats of rain were tickling my face from where I was standing and I watched as the Doctor threw her arms open and looked towards the sky, closing her eyes. She stayed like that for a little while. The rain was pouring off her already, trickling gentle lines down her forehead, over her cheeks and dripping from her lips, nose and chin.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” The Doctor whispered, her speech flicking little droplets off her lips. She opened her eyes, not flinching from the rain, as small beads of water settled onto her eyelashes. “I love the rain,” she continued, almost in awe. “I miss Gallifreyan rain,” she whispered before closing her eyes again and dropping her arms, content to just be.

I watched her for a while, in awe of her behaviour, even still now. I tentatively put my arm out and the rain clattered my leather jacket, the force of it pushing my arm slightly. “This is some bad rain, Doctor.”

She opened her eyes and looked around, the grey clouds blotting out the sky. “I think a storm is coming.” She said gently before her voice got louder, more excited. “Want to play tag?”

I looked at the Doctor, incredulous. “Are you serious?”

“Of course I’m serious else I wouldn’t ask!” She gestured me out of the TARDIS.

I realised that this might have been the Doctor’s way of suppressing whatever emotions had been brought up by the rain. Though I still sighed as I stepped out, feeling like there were a million ice cold jabs into my skin as the rain hit me all at once, pulling the door shut behind me. “Sometimes, Doctor, I think you’re crazy.”

“Well,” she smiled. “That’s not the first time. And Ryan and Graham are out in it! Can’t be that bad, surely. Right, Yaz?”

I rolled my eyes, hunching my shoulders as water splashed down my neck. Should’ve changed my jacket for a coat. “Right, Doctor. Though! Where is _our_ umbrella?”

The Doctor scrunched her face up in distaste. “TARDIS only gave us one. Sorry,” she smiled reassuringly and it lifted my mood slightly.

She looked almost ethereal standing there in the rain. It thundered around us, dripping down her coat as it hung off her slim form, making her look powerful. I wish I took a picture of her in that moment.

Then suddenly, as quick as a jungle cat, she moved, lithe, and I felt her arm tap me.

“Tag!”

I didn’t even have chance to comprehend the start of the game before I heard the Doctor’s booted feet slapping in the rain as she ran, her coat billowing about her. In times like this, where she awes me and makes my heart want to burst with happiness and hope, I knew she was alien. No human had ever been like her before. In my musings, I forgot the awful wetness that was already seeping through my clothes and dripping off my hair.

“Wait up! I didn’t know we were starting, Doctor!” I watched her run deceptively quick around a corner, and I knew that even with my police fitness training that I didn’t stand a chance.

~

I stood in the pouring rain, shivering. I was soaked through. Tag was hardly a fair game. The Doctor was much faster than I was and all I managed to touch of her was her flowing coat as she darted away, my fingers slipping feebly over the soft material as it ran through my hand. We had stopped now though, the Doctor sensing that my playful mood was replaced with feeling awfully uncomfortable.

She ran her eyes over my shivering from, looking pitiful. “Let’s go and see your family, eh? Quick stop before we meet back with Ryan and Graham,” she looked up and sniffed the air. “That storm is close, and I don’t like it,” she said, suddenly serious.

She grabbed my freezing hand and pulled me along to my flat. It wasn’t far from where she parked the TARDIS. The Doctor had her hood left down, her blonde hair darker from being soaked. I wish I had a hood.

When we got to my flat, I knocked on the door feeling sheepish as I waited for the oncoming disapproval from my mum for letting myself get this soaked. The Doctor didn’t seem to care, she had her hands clasped in front of her, looking chill and calm.

The door opened and my dad yelped in surprise. “Yasmin! Bloody ‘ell, what have you been doing? Quick get inside and into some dry clothes,” he then clocked the Doctor behind me, smiling gently.

“Hello, Yaz’s Dad!”

He raked his eyes over her soaked figure and sighed, shaking his head and muttering about us soaking his floors. “Come on in, Doctor. Should’ve known that Yasmin was with you.”

“Thank you, sir,” she smiled and stepped in the door way.

“Let me take your coats,” Dad said, offering a small smile back to her.

I watched as the Doctor shrugged out her coat before it was hung over the warm radiator in the hall.

She looked smaller without her coat, but no less imposing and powerful. I watched as her face lit-up. “Hi, Yaz’s mum!” She was about to reach out to my mum for a hug before she backed off.

“Hello, Doctor,” She crinkled her face at her wet form. “Go and get dried, will you? Both of you.” She sent me a knowing look, like I should’ve known better.

We both took our shoes off; the Doctor’s stripy blue socks were mostly dry.

“Come on, Doc,” I held my hand out and she grabbed it, letting me lead her down the hall and into my bedroom, my parents sharing a knowing look. I sighed.

The moment the door shut I began to peel off my wet clothes. The Doctor, once through the threshold, started examining everything in my room like it was a hands-on museum. She picked up a small keyring, holding it up to the light, and peering at it. She bent over, gazing at my photos on my dresser, water beading at the ends of her wet hair and trickling down her back. She scanned my short line of books and picked one up off the shelf, squinting her eyes at it.

“ _Fifty Shades of Grey_? There are more than fifty, actually. More like hundreds. This book doesn’t seem very good, Yaz.”

I pulled my wet socks off, so I was just standing in my underwear before grabbing a towel off my radiator. “Erm, Doctor, don’t read that one,” I didn’t wait for her reply before I dashed to the bathroom, eager to get under the warm water.

The shower was boiling hot and it took me awhile before it was bearable. Playing tag in the rain was fun, the Doctor was so beautiful. Sometimes, it was like her happiness and magnificence was so huge that it couldn’t be contained, and it spread over her entire body like pure joy. I wondered what it would be like to get inside the Doctor’s head, but she never let anybody that close. At least not that I knew of. She didn’t talk about her past much, if at all.

I could hear the tapping of the rain on the glass window, even over my shower. The Doctor was right. There was a storm coming. We needed to warn Graham and Ryan. I hoped they weren’t still out in it. I hurried my shower, and climbed out, wrapping in a towel before walking back into my room. The Doctor was sat up against my warm radiator, _Fifty Shades of Grey_ was in her hands, her brow furrowed.

“Doctor! I told you not to read that!” I felt my cheeks burning as I snatched the book out of her hands and threw it on the bed.

“Hey! I was reading that. Not that it made much sense. There’s nothing about the shades of grey in there at all, not to mention I don’t understand why Grey and Anastasia are so tense around each other. It’s hard to read.” She lent her now drying hair against the radiator, clearly, she was enjoying the warmth it brought her.

“It’s basically just smut, Doctor,” I sighed, pulling underwear and clothes out my dresser.

She cocked her head to one side. “Smut? I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that term.”

“Sex, Doctor,” I sighed, a blush developing in full force.

“Oh! _Oh!_ ” The Doctor exclaimed, getting to her feet. “Sorry, Yaz!” She said, though I caught her eyeing the book on the bed.

“It’s not a great story. Just endless smut,” I started to walk out of the room.

“Why do you have it then?” The Doctor questioned.

“Everyone woman has it,” I laughed, and then I remembered, stopping dead. “Doctor! We need to call Ryan and Graham and make sure that they’re safe. We can’t leave them out in this storm.”

She looked at me, nodding her head, before grabbing my phone and dialling for Graham. It rang a few times before she spoke. “Hello? Yeah, we’re at Yaz’s. Are you home? Oh, good. No, don’t leave,” The Doctor glanced out the window. There was a flash that lit up the skies before a rumble of thunder. “Stay there, we’ll meet up when it dies down, okay? Stay safe. Bye.”

“They at home then and staying there?” I asked, gathering my clean clothes into my arms, also feeling a bit exposed standing in just my towel. If the Doctor noticed, she didn’t give it away.

“Yes,” she nodded her head. “The weather is awful, just give it time to pass,”

I nodded, dropping my casual clothes for pjs and hurrying towards the bathroom to dress, but not before I saw the Doctor glance at the book that I threw on my bed once again.

~

“Yaz?”

“Hmmm?”

“Your human food is odd. Very spicy. Reminds me of food on the planet Rokor, food so hot that it can blow your head off, literally,” the Doctor stroked a finger over her tongue before a puzzling look overcame her face. “I’m still deciding if I like it.”

We had tea with my family. They were all a bit quiet. I suppose the weird behaviour of me coming and going, and the Doctor, well being the Doctor, had put them a bit on edge. Not to mention the storm, which clattered our windows and whistled through the vents. The thunder was occasional, rumbling over our heads along with flashes of lightning.

We were sitting in my room now. The Doctor had dried off, her hair drying ever so slightly curly. I thought it was cute. She sat there, her stripy toes still free of her boots and her coat still drying on the radiator downstairs.

“It’s an acquired taste, I think you’ll get used to it,” I smiled. It was dark in my room, with only a lamp on.

The Doctor sat on my bed with her feet over the edge, leaning against the wall behind her. The silence was comforting. I sat next to her, our thighs pressed together. It comforted me. I wondered how much of her time was spent like this, just in the quiet, alone.

“Can I read that book, Yaz? The one about the colour grey? I left _Harry Potter_ in the TARDIS,” She scrunched her face in annoyance.

I felt the need to chuckle, but I didn’t want to embarrass her. “Alright,” I said, passing the book over. “What intrigues you about it?”

She looked at me and smiled, her hazel eyes glittered. “Humans,” she said simply, before shrugging.

“Are we really that fascinating?” I asked, leaning my head onto her shoulder, the smell of her hair, as it tickled my face, was nice.

“Of course,” the Doctor said simply.

Even though it was only 7pm, I felt exhausted. I didn’t want to sleep though. These moments, where me and the Doctor were alone, where I could ask her anything I wanted and try to get into her head, were so rare during our adventurous life.

“Doctor,” I said, head still resting on her shoulder. “You’ve had lots of human friends, haven’t you?” The thought that I wasn’t the first, and probably wouldn’t be the last, unnerved me slightly. Sitting here with the Doctor, feeling the warmth of her body, was something I hoped to have forever. It felt, almost unnerving, at the thought of seeing someone else with the Doctor this way.

“Yes,” was all she offered.

“Do you miss them?” I asked, I felt her body tense under my head.

“Sometimes,” she said. “It’s hard, when you live so little. When you’re long gone, I’m still here. I will always still be here.”

I nodded against her shoulder. “I understand,” I said simply, my heart aching for the Doctor’s incredibly long life, and how much pain she must carry around with her. I wondered how she was so full of joy.

“I miss my coat,” was all she replied.

I laughed. “It’s still wet, sorry Doctor.”


	3. So Close

I jumped. Thunder startled me awake, a flash lit up my dark bedroom. The rain lashed at the window panes. My heart pounded, that awful feeling of anxiety was back. Then I remembered.

“Doctor!”

The Doctor suddenly appeared from where she must have been sitting near the radiator. _Fifty Shades of Grey_ was still clutched in her hand. “Yaz?” She hushed, standing over my bed.

“The storm,” was all I could muster in my sleepiness.

“Still raging,” she said, her hazel eyes glanced towards the window, peering through the small gap in the curtains. She tucked her blonde hair behind an ear, her cuff glittering in the light. “You okay?”

“I don’t feel good, Doctor.”

Her brow furrowed. “Tell me what’s wrong, Yaz,” she reached a hand out to my face, and her soft skin caressed mine as she felt for, what I presumed, was a fever.

“I feel scared. And I don’t know why. It’s been there for over a day now.”

The Doctor knelt down by my bed, her face level with mine, she put the book on the floor. “It’s just a bit of a storm, Yaz. Graham and Ryan are fine, nothing to worry about. We’ll get back to the TARDIS by morning.”

I nodded, not elaborating on my feelings. Even I couldn’t explain them. The Doctor seemed perturbed and unsure of what to do.

“Stay near me,” was all I offered.

The Doctor gave me a weak smile in the moonlight before sitting on the floor with her back to my bed. I probably shouldn’t have done this, but I ran my hand through the Doctor’s short hair before twirling my fingers around the soft strands, letting little wisps of her scent tickle my nose. She surprised me when she leant back a fraction on my bed. I felt wholly comforted.

“What do you think of the book?” I asked, after she had resumed reading.

“Very interesting, slightly confusing, and rather dirty,” the Doctor laughed, her hair tickling my hand as she did.

“Thought so,” I sighed, shuffling ever so slightly close to the Doctor. “Don’t you sleep much?”

“Not really. I don’t need to, but sometimes I like to,” Her soothing voice answered.

“Hmmm,” Was all I responded, already falling into the depths of sleep once again, hearing the Doctor’s steady breathing and the gentle fold of a turning page.

~

The morning was not promising. The day was dark, and the storm sounded worse. I sat up in bed, yawning, as I heard the Doctor’s voice in the hallway. I smiled as she walked into my room, boots and coat back on, ready for business.

“Oh! You’re up,” she smiled, clapping her hands. “You mum’s done breakfast. I also reassured her that we weren’t having intercourse last night.”

“Doctor!”

“Well it’s the truth!” She said. “They implied it, and well, I don’t want to offend your family or get you into trouble for something that we didn’t do.” She offered me a smile. “Right?”

I shook my head, sighing. “Right, Doctor.” I wanted to die of embarrassment. “What’s the plan for today?”

Her expression suddenly turned serious. “I don’t like these storms, Yaz. They don’t feel natural to me.” She frowned out the window, her hands on her hips.

“Alien thunder storms?”

“Could be anything, but I’m going to find out.”

“Is it safe to go back to the TARDIS?” I asked.

“Not for you. I’m going to go and get it and go and get Graham and Ryan and then bring it here to get you. She isn’t meant for these short hops, but she can manage.”

I nodded, somewhere deep down I was worried about her, even just the journey from here to her ship. Trees had been knocked down. It sounded horrific out there. “When are you leaving?”

“Soon.”

I felt worried, that deep seated anxiety was still there. “Doctor, about last night. The feeling, it hasn’t gone away,” her eyes met mine. “I can feel it now, its so unsettling, like something’s about to go horribly wrong. I’m worried.”

Her eyes softened and she opened her arms for a hug. I ran into them, burying my head in her neck. “It’s going to be alright, Yaz. Whatever’s wrong, I’ll fix it!” Her voice vibrated gently against my face. She carefully pried me away from her and held me at arm’s length. “Okay?”

I nodded. “Yes, Doctor,” It quelled some of the fear inside, but my stomach flipped-flopped all over the place, and I felt very scared and very odd.

“Yaz?” I met the Doctor’s searching gaze and my stomach clenched again. “Are you okay? You don’t look okay.” She squeezed my arms tighter. My stomach squeezed tighter.

“We will find out what’s wrong, won’t we, Doctor?”

She smiled. “Trust me,” she pulled me back in for one quick hug, I clung to her tightly, before letting me go. “I’m going to get the TARDIS now, okay? We’ll be fine, we’ve done it a thousand times before.”

She was right. It always worked out alright in the end. Even with this comforting thought, I was left woozy and shaky in my bedroom as I watched her blonde head disappear from my room and down the hall. “Don’t be long!” I shouted.

It took me a moment to catch my breath, before following her, but she had already gone. This anxiety was beginning to gnaw at me. It was alarming as well as annoying.

“Yasmin?” I span my head from the front door where I had tried to follow the Doctor. It was mum. “You alright?” she asked, concern in her eyes.

“Fine, mum, for the most part. Feeling a bit woozy though,” I admitted, running a hand through my hair, wriggling out some of the knots with my fingers.

“Well, you can’t be pregnant,” she retorted.

“Mum! Can you stop implying that we’re sleeping together! We’re not, and never will be,” I sighed.

Mum looked sheepish then, her gaze softening. “Sorry, Yaz,” she glanced out the window. “I’m not sure your Doctor should’ve gone out in that storm.”

My breath hitched for a split second. “She’ll be fine,” I insisted. “She can take care of herself.”

Mum just nodded as she handed me a plate of breakfast. “Eat up.”

~

I was sitting on the sofa and trying to watch TV when my phone rang, and I jumped out of my skin, heart racing. The storms coupled with the unknown fates of my friends had set me on edge. I shakily answered. “Ryan?”

“Yea, Yaz, we’re outside. Hurry, the Doctor has news.”

“Coming,” I cut the phone off, shoving it into my pocket and pulling my coat on, heart racing.

“Where are you going in this weather?” Sonya asked, her arms folded as she walked out from the kitchen as I walked towards the door.

“Doctor,” was all I said, grabbing the handle, swinging the door open, and rushing out.

“Yaz, it’s not safe!” My sister yelled after me as I was almost bowled over by the wind, the rain stinging my eyes.

I ignored her and ran down the stairs towards the car park, pulling my coat tightly around me. And sure enough, there was Ryan standing near the TARDIS doors as the wind howled around us.

“Quickly!” He shouted, ushering his arms towards the big blue box. Haven.

I ran in, and as soon as the doors shut, there was a great calm. “Bloody ‘ell. That is nuts! We don’t get storms like this in England!”

“You do now,” the Doctor said, matter-of-factly, as she wondered around the TARDIS console, looking at this and that. “They’re not natural. I detected it with the sonic, something, or some _body,_ is causing this storm. I’m just trying to pin-point the area where the signals seem to be manifesting from…”

I shivered, the anxiety that I was feeling felt worse than ever. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was a police officer for goodness sakes! I was trained to not let things bother me, to be stoic in the face of danger, but lately I was a mess.

“You alright, Yaz?” I heard Graham’s soft voice ask.

“Not really,” I shook my head.

“Wanna talk about it?” Ryan asked, his eyes concerned.

“There’s nothing to talk about, really. I don’t know what’s going on with me lately,” I attempted to shake it off. “I’ll be alright.”

I looked up to see a supportive smile from the Doctor before she got back to work. It warmed me, even if it was only a little.

“Anything, Doc?” Graham asked, I went over to a bean bag and plopped down, watching the Doctor’s frown deepen. We tended to sit with the Doctor in the console room rather than the living room when she was flying the TARDIS.

“Not yet. Give me seven minutes and a bit of quiet.”

The knot in my stomach tightened as I watched her focus, eyes flying over everything at once, frown in place, game-face on. It amazed me how quickly she could change mood. Playful to serious in an instant. My phone vibrated, signal still here because the TARDIS was still on Earth.

“Where have you gone?” It was from my mum.

“I’m with the Doctor and friends, I’ll be fine, I promise.” I texted back.

I hardly had chance to put my phone back before it vibrated again. “When will you be back?”

I didn’t reply, because I honestly didn’t know. I closed my eyes, leaning back on the beanbag and listening to the hushed conversation between Ryan and Graham, catching snippets here and there. But mostly I was listening to the ticks and flicks as the Doctor touched the console, and the gentle tap of her feet as she walked around.

“Okay!” My eyes shot open and I sat up. The Doctor looked neutral. “I’ve found the signal. It’s coming from Edinburgh.”

“Edinburgh?” Graham said. “There ain’t no aliens in Edinburgh.”

“Who said it was an alien?” Ryan said. “Could be anybody, but I agree, Edinburgh? I was expecting somewhere more… exotic.”

“Does it matter?” I asked, frowning. The constant anxiety was chipping away at me, making me more irritable than usual.

“Hold on, guys,” The Doctor said, spinning the hourglass and pulling a lever before the mini TARDIS started spinning. “Let’s find out together!” And the ship whirred to life, wheezing as it did so.

Our journey wasn’t a long one, and it was over shortly after it started, but it was very bumpy all the same. We landed with such a thump I got jolted out of my beanbag. The bloody thing had me screaming as it slid around the floor from all the topsy turving of the TARDIS. I was glad for the stillness now, though I could hear Graham and Ryan laughing, as Ryan’s uneasy balance found him sprawled on the floor. I gave a small smile, glad that he could find the amusement in his disorder sometimes.

“Ready?” The Doctor said, as she approached the door, coat tails trailing behind her.

She yanked it open with a creak and we were almost bowled down by the wind. The storm was much worse here, if that were possible. The Doctor’s hair fanned out behind her head before she slammed the door of the TARDIS, spinning around and looking quite bedraggled, eyes wide.

“Well, that’s a storm,” she sighed as she started pacing. “How are we going to deal with this? Getting around is going to be difficult. Urgh!” She groaned.

“Can’t we just use the TARDIS all the time?” Ryan suggested.

The Doctor shook her head, her wind-swept hair falling back into place. “The TARDIS can only handle so many short hops like that. It won’t be nice for her or us… I know!” She clicked her fingers. “I attempt to track the signal further, we get as close as we can to the area with the TARDIS and set up base in the closest hotel.”

“Why a hotel when we have this?” He gestured to the space around him.

“Until I know who we’re dealing with the TARDIS is easily recognisable. If it’s anyone who knows what it is, it’ll be watched for certain. I’ll try and hide it as best as I can but it’s better if we steer clear of it until I know who’s behind this.”

We nodded in unison, allowing the Doctor to attempt the track the signal even further. Her coat billowed behind her as she stepped back up to the console, sonic pulled out. She tucked her hair behind her ear and frowned slightly. We knew better than to disturb her while she was working.

I slouched back onto my beanbag, nerves were still ticking away.

Ryan and Graham sat near me. “What do you think it is then?” Ryan asked, looking between me and his granddad.

“Gawd only knows what,” Graham sighed. His light eyes met mine and he must have clocked how I was feeling. “Still got the ol’ nerves, Yaz?”

I furrowed my brow, sighing. “I don’t even know what it is, that’s what’s unsettling me the most,” I pulled my coat tighter around me, folding my arms.

“Let’s hope it’s nothing to do with what’s going on ‘ere,” Graham said.

Ryan gave me a sympathetic look, feeling for me, bless him. I offered him a smile. “I’ll be alright. We’ll all be alright. We’ve got the Doctor.”

I smiled gently towards her as she padded around the console, putting her sonic back into her coat pocket.

As if on cue, she jumped up. “Got it!” Her voice was laced with a seriousness that was always present when we were facing a potential threat. “It’s not far from here, it’s in the general area, I couldn’t track it much more acutely. I think we better leave the TARDIS here. We’re closer than I thought.”

“And what about the weather?” I asked.

Her hazel eyes met mine, serious. “We’ll just have to brave it.”


	4. Right By You

We were all wearing our best raincoats and boots, aside from the Doctor. I don’t think she was as affected by temperature like we were anyway. We opened the TARDIS doors and the wind howled. The ship was in an alley which was thin, and surrounded by tall, brick buildings. Ryan had found a nearby hotel on his phone and we were setting off to set up base there. I was still miffed that we couldn’t stay in the TARDIS, but the Doctor seemed concerned about its infamous reputation among aliens and people alike.

Once out, the wind hit us hard, my hood blew from my head immediately and the rain lashed at us from all sides, even in the alley. The wind howled through the narrow street. I hastily pulled my hood back up.

“Come on!” The Doctor yelled, slashing through puddles and setting off, her light blue coat billowing behind her, blonde hair rustling in the gusts.

We followed, clinging onto our hoods and keeping our head down away from the lashing rain. We walked through the cobbled streets, which we lined by tall and pale brick buildings which oozed a British grandeur. It were dark, almost like night had came already, but it was only the afternoon. The streets were deserted, and it felt awfully odd.

“Are we nearly there yet?” Graham shouted, clinging onto the hood of his green coat. “We’re drowning ‘ere, Doc.”

“Almost!” I just followed the Doctor’s voice, already feeling my wet jeans stick to my cold skin and make my legs heavy and uncomfortable.

Still keeping my face low, I watched the Doctor’s booted feet walk across the cobbles, following her intently. I think I would follow the Doctor anywhere. Those very booted feet stopped, and I careened into the Doctor, falling against her pale coat, arms grabbing her shoulders to stop me from toppling her over too.

“Sorry, Doctor,” I muttered.

She said nothing as she pushed open the door to the hotel, and we followed her inside.

The guy tending the reception, a chubby, friendly-faced man, stared at us in shock. “Surprised yer not dead after being out there.”

The Doctor, looking bedraggled, just offered him a polite smile. “I don’t suppose you have any room for us?”

“Yer lucky. I got one room left. After the storm hit yesterday, we’ve had a flux of visiting tourists seeking shelter, I wasn’t expecting anyone to still be out there today though,” he stared out the window, tutting as a spark of light flashed before a roll of thunder shook his hotel.

“We’ll take it, please,” the Doctor said, water dripping from her wet hair.

The Doctor handed the man some ‘Earth money’ as she called it, and we followed him up the stairs. It was a modest hotel, nothing fancy. The carpet had seen better days and the furniture was a little used, but it was clean.

“There you go, ma’am,” the friendly man nodded to us as he walked back downstairs. “Enjoy your stay.”

The room had only two beds. A double took up most of the space, with a single tucked up against the far wall. There was a dresser complete with a kettle, mugs and tea bags, and a door which I assumed led to the en-suite. There was a TV sat above the dresser, a little one, but a TV none the less.

I went over and parked my backside on the single, assuming that Graham and Ryan would share the double. “It’s a good job you don’t sleep much, Doctor.”

“I’ll say,” she said glancing around the room. “Oh!” She threw her arms up in excitement. “Tea! I love tea. Especially Yorkshire tea. Would be brilliant if they’d left some custard creams, too… I might complain. Oh! I should’ve got some from the TARDIS before we left, but how was I supposed to know!” She huffed.

“Doctor,” Ryan said, taking his coat off, hanging it up and taking a seat on the double bed. “What’s happening?” He gestured to the rain outside.

I suddenly realised my error, I’d sat on my bed with wet clothes. Bloody ‘ell. I took my coat and shoes off and sat leaning against my bed instead, a wet mark where my bum had been. Graham started making cuppas for everyone as the Doctor started talking.

“Well, we need to find out where, _exactly_ where, those signals are coming from, which should get stronger as the storm progresses, and find out who’s doing this and how to stop them.”

“Why would someone cause a storm?” Ryan shrugged.

“I don’t know,” the Doctor put her hands in her pockets. “The bigger question is _how_ are they causing this storm and who exactly are ‘they’?” Her brow furrowed before she sighed, pulling her hands out of her pockets and rocking back and forth, leaving droplets of water on the carpet. “First things first, we wait for the signal to strengthen, in the meantime, keep an eye out for anything suspicious,” she nodded to Ryan and Graham who were sleeping by the window.

“Yes, Doc,” Graham said, handing me a hot cuppa.

I smiled and nodded my thanks to him as he handed one to Ryan and then to the Doctor, who had shrugged out of her wet coat and shoes.

Her spare hand sought out her hip as she sighed. “It seems I’m always wet lately.”

Ryan and Graham cackled with laughter at the double entendre of the Doctor’s words and I smiled, almost spitting out my tea, as my stomach clenched. The Doctor was clueless, a peculiar expression on her face, which only made them laugh more, Graham having to put his tea down and Ryan keeling over on the bed.

“What did I do?” The Doctor said, dropping her hands from her hips and pouting.

“I think you need to read _Fifty Shades of Grey_ again, Doctor,” I said, chuckling.

“Wait! She read that?” Ryan was laughing so hard now that he was clutching his stomach, which only made me and Graham laugh harder too.

The Doctor’s face flooded with realisation as a blush tinged her cheeks like a light dusting, making her look gorgeous.

“Ah…” Her face was a picture.

~

We’d been in the hotel for a couple of hours, the Doctor going over things in her head, and me, Graham and Ryan were talking a while, but now we were hungry and unsure of what to do.

“Doesn’t this place have room service?” Ryan asked, looking fed up and sitting on the bed.

“Don’t think so, son. It’s not exactly the Ritz,” replied Graham, clutching his fourth cup of tea that day, we were running out of tea bags.

“I’m sure there’s a café in the hotel,” I piped up, but they looked dubious.

“Come on,” The Doctor said, getting up from where she was sitting on the floor and messing with her sonic. “Let’s have a look.”

We walked down the stairs and into reception, the friendly man was there again, sitting behind his desk and reading a paper. He looked up as he saw us near him.

“Any food going, mate?” Graham asked.

“We ‘ave a small café down there,” He pointed to the left of his desk where there was a hallway. “We haven’t got much in; the weather has delayed our deliveries.”

“Should do us, thanks mate,” Graham said, leading us down the hall.

We walked past some toilets and a ‘staff only’ door before we reached the end of the hall. There was an arch that led into a small room dotted with a few modest wooden chairs and tables with checkered cloths on them. Nothing fancy and rather outdated, but food was food. There were only two other groups of people here. An elderly couple and a younger couple with a child.

We sat down in the corner of the small room, out of the way, and Graham was the first to pick up the menu. It was laminated but it was falling apart presumably after months and months of use.

“Jacket potato will do me I think,” he said, settling down for his meal and looking rather excited.

“You eat too much, Graham,” Ryan said, shaking his head and taking the menu off of him.

There was a window next to us and I watched as the water hit the floor outside like hundreds of little expanding circles. The hammering of it was almost enough to drown out the occasional taps of cutlery on plates that sounded in the room. I heard a giggle then and turned around to see the child, the one with the younger couple, smiling hugely as she sat in her high chair. She was a gorgeous baby, about a year old, sucking on her chubby hand. She was staring this way, dribble on her chin.

I turned to see the Doctor pulling faces at her. My heart melted to see her face crunch up into a smile of pure joy as the baby giggled at her again. The parents had clocked on to their child’s new friend and smiled at the Doctor. She gave a small wave at them before covering her eyes and playing ‘peek-a-boo’. After covering her face with her hands, she stayed like that for a while before pulling them sharply apart.

“Boo!”

The baby burst into fits of giggles and I felt as a laugh bubbled up inside me and came out.

The Doctor shot a look my way, smiling radiantly, cheeks pink, eyes glittering, blonde hair framing her face. I felt a pang in my chest that travelled lower than it should have and settling there. My heart was beating faster.

I felt a poke in my arm. “Oi,” I turned to see Ryan. “Here’s the menu.”

I took it off him and scanned the choices. It wasn’t much. I fingered the edge of the menu where the laminate was falling apart, worried about the strength of the feeling that was stirring around inside of me.

“I’ll just have a sandwich,” I shrugged, passing the menu to the Doctor.

She looked at me, tearing her eyes away from the baby girl who looked adoringly at her, and smiled. “Come on, Yaz. You know me, not much of an appetite.”

I didn’t have chance to reply before her attention was diverted by the little girl. The waiter came and took our orders, the Doctor having only a drink of water. Our food came out shortly, my sandwich being placed in front of me, Graham was already tucking in. I thanked the waiter but was so absorbed by the Doctor and the little girl.

She had gone over to the couple’s table and was talking animatedly to them whilst picking up the baby and settling her on her hip. The girl had grabbed a chunk of the Doctor’s blonde hair in a chubby fist and was playing with it. I smiled, forgetting about my sandwich for a second. It was a beautiful sight.

It wasn't long before the Doctor came back over, the little girl back in her high chair, and watching with fascination as her friend walked away.

“So,” The Doctor said as she sat down. “She seems happy with her parents.”

We stared at the Doctor, confused, as the little girl screamed something unintelligible.

“She wants your jacket potato, Graham,” The Doctor said, face serious. “What’s left of it anyway.”

“You what, mate?” He said, almost shielding his precious food.

The baby shouted again, making random baby sounds. The Doctor, who had turned to face her, turned back to Graham.

“She _really_ wants it,” The Doctor said, scrunching her face. “Just give her a bit.”

We stared, confused and in awe, as Graham gave a bit of his cheesy potato to the little girl and she chuckled in delight.

“What was that about?” Ryan asked, taking a sip of his drink.

“I talk baby,” the Doctor said.

“Why am I not surprised?” Graham sighed, causing me to laugh.

~

Even through the curtains, the lightening was lighting the entire room up in bright flashes. It was the middle of the night, Graham and Ryan were goners. I don’t know how they were sleeping over the claps of thunder, the whining wind, and the clatter of rain. The anxiety was back. Again. It was really annoying me. Like an itch I couldn’t scratch. I groaned and rolled over in the tiny bed, getting frustrated with myself and feeling like I was going to cry. _What was happening to me?!_

“Yaz?” A soft voice in the dark. “You okay?”

I wasn’t sure if the Doctor made the knot in my stomach clench more or less, I didn’t like her seeing me like this. All vulnerable.

“Fine,” I grumbled, stuffing my head into my pillow as another flash sparked and the thunder boomed overhead.

I heard the padding of feet, and then the sinking of my mattress as the Doctor sat near my curled-up feet. “You don’t like storms,” she commented. “You struggle to sleep.”

“It’s not that,” I sighed, giving in and rolling to face the Doctor whose features were soft in the dim light.

“The anxiety?” The Doctor offered, the planes of her face pale and beautiful as she looked at me.

“It gets worse at night, but it’s always there, it won’t go away. It frustrates me, Doctor. And _scares me,_ ” I admitted.

She sighed, turning her face towards the far-off window, the gentle light of the streetlamps outside made her glow. Almost like a goddess. Then she suddenly reached over me on the bed, putting her warm hand onto my forehead.

“Just checking everything’s okay, don’t worry.”

My heart started hammering in my chest, scared of what she was checking for. “Like what?”

“Illness, anything. This is so unlike you,” She noted, moving her hand from my forehead and pressing her slender fingers to the exposed skin on the inside of my wrist.

“Your pulse is fast,” She commented.

“I’m scared,” was all I offered her.

A look of sympathy graced her features before she put her hand onto my chest. My breath hitched as the warmth of her seeped through my pyjama top.

“Apart from your erratic heat-beat, you seem normal,” she frowned, taking her hand from my chest and tucking her hair behind her ears, exposing her ear cuff. It sparkled as another round of lightening lit up the room.

The thunder was loud, and I pulled the covers up to my chin, curling my body into a ball. “I don’t know how they sleep through it,” I said, gesturing to the slumbering boys.

“You might have a small case of Astraphobia, either that, or its just not helping how you’re feeling. It’s going to be alright, Yaz. I promise,” she patted my cowering form before she got up.

“Where are you going?” I asked, hating that she was moving away from me.

“Looking out the window, checking for anything suspicious, anything that might answer some of my questions.”

“Please, don’t,” I said, feeling pathetic and wanting to die of embarrassment at my apparent and sudden neediness.

The Doctor’s brow furrowed. “Don’t what?”

“Leave.” 

Her expression softened, already so soft from the dim light. I felt a pang in my chest that travelled down and added to the knot in my stomach. I wanted to cry.

“Please tell me what’s happening to me,” my voice cracked, I felt so pathetic.

The Doctor moved over to my bed. “Budge up,” she said, as she attempted to squeeze into the tiny bed.

I rolled over, squashing myself against the wall as the Doctor settled herself next to me, lying on her back. “Does this help?” she asked, voice soft.

I saw the delicate lines of her face in the shadow of the light. Her chest rising and falling softly.

“Yes, thanks Doctor. You’re as good at babysitting me as you were with that little girl. Do you really speak baby?”

She smiled, looking so beautiful. “Of course i do. And she was lovely, I love human children. Well, I love any child really. So innocent,” She sighed before adding. “I’m here for you, Yaz.”

I nodded, feeling the anxiety dim slightly, but still simmering on the surface. I was close enough that her blonde hair tickled my nose, her smell was something that I couldn’t quite explain, but comforted me greatly.

“I might have a little nap myself actually,” as she spoke, I watched the light play off all the muscles in her neck, soft as they moved.

I should’ve closed my eyes, but she was fascinating. She was so unexplainable, so powerful, so beautiful and so intriguing to me. An enigma. My whole body felt wired, feeling hot and on edge.

“Yaz,” she started, moving her head to look at me, her hair tickling my nose as she did, making me splutter. “You don’t sound very sleepy. I can hear your heart.”

I rubbed the itch she caused on my nose before I lay back down, staring at her, barely able to make out her eyes in the dark. Lightening suddenly flashed behind her, lighting her silhouette even more, she looked divine, god-like. Then the thunder rumbled yet again.

“Are you a god?”

She laughed, her breath caressing my face. “No, though some of my species liked to think so. I don’t think like that. Far from it. I’m just a traveller, Yaz. You know that.”

“Uhmm,” I muttered, my eyes half-closing as the heat off the Doctor’s body both soothed and encouraged the thread of anxiety that sat, unsettling, in my stomach. “Sorry,” I added.

“For what?” Her breath was sweet and warm.

“Asking you to do this, it’s pathetic."

“I don’t mind,” was all she said, as I watched her intelligent eyes close.

I followed suit, rolling over and facing towards the wall, not wanting to take up too much room. The Doctor shuffled more onto the bed, I could feel her behind me, powerful. I was safe, for now.

I sighed, and in response the Doctor patted my arm comfortingly. I closed my eyes; her touch left my arm warm. Too warm.

Sleep didn’t come for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed.  
> Comments are always appreciated so I know what you guys are thinking!  
> Thanks for reading :)


	5. Land of the Bloody Unknown

“Bloody hell,” I heard a hushed voice say.

Was it my dreams?

“You wake them up.”

“I feel bad, should’ve given them our bed,” this one sounded like Graham.

“No way! Then we’d have to snuggle. It’s more acceptable for women,” this was definitely Ryan.

I was awake now, hearing their hushed voices made me smile. I suddenly smarted, my heart skipping a beat, as I remembered the night before. I was about to get up and see where the Doctor had gotten to, but I could hear her breathing behind me. I carefully rolled over and got a face full of blonde hair, scent heavenly.

“She’s still asleep?!” I whispered, Ryan and Graham awkwardly standing there, in the middle of the room, staring.

They nodded.

“Bloody ‘ell,” I mouthed back.

It was weird when the Doctor was quiet and I felt awkward lying in bed so close to her when the boys were standing there, so I put my hand on her shoulder and shook her gently.

“Doctor.”

She opened her eyes, stretching slightly like a lithe cat, before settling back down. “Well that was more than a nap.” She said, looking a bit disoriented. “I don’t usually do that.”

“Yea, we didn’t expect to see you sleeping, Doc,” Graham said. “We feel bad now for you not having your own bed.”

She shrugged, her voice husky from just waking. “It’s okay, I wasn’t planning on sleeping.”

She stretched wholeheartedly, almost knocking me out with her arm, and pinning me to the wall with her legs.

“Oh! Sorry, Yaz!” Looking sheepish, she pulled her body back away from me and sat up, rubbing her eyes. “Right! It’s time to start the day!” She smiled, glancing out the window at the raging storm. “Well, start the gloomy day!” Her voice suddenly had a dangerous edge to it. “Hopefully this will be the last.”

She rolled out of bed, hopping straight to her feet.

I stretched into her spot on the bed, grateful for more room, before the smell hit me in the face. The smell was the Doctor’s. I smiled as I lay there, the smell filling my nose every time I took a breath.

Graham flipped the kettle on as Ryan turned the TV on. It was the news; a reporter was commenting about the storms.

“Storms, all over the UK, show no signs of stopping. We are still investigating the cause of this horrific onslaught of weather.” There were clips of roads flooding, cars being stuck, wind had knocked down trees and small monuments. “Stay inside unless absolutely necessary and keep warm and dry. We’ll keep you updated at 6pm but for now, this is BBC’s breaking news.”

Ryan looked shocked, sitting back onto his bed. “We need to fix this,” He said. “People are getting hurt.”

Despite my comforting pillow, a thread of anxiety snaked its way down my spine. “We do, Doctor. What’s the plan?”

The Doctor, who had been rummaging around, pulling her clothes on and running fingers through her short hair, stopped and looked at me, then to Ryan and Graham. “Yes. Today, we find out who’s doing this.”

The edge to her voice affected us all in the room.

~

I was in the bathroom, having just brushed my teeth I was dressing when I heard the Doctor speaking through the door.

“I’ve got a much smaller area to work with now.” I assumed she was talking about the signal she’d been tracking. “It’s above what looks like a warehouse, from the outside it looks like a shabby, old brick building that supplies goods to shopping chains.” I heard booted foot-steps. “Seems fishy. I don’t like it.”

I felt that fear bubble up inside me again. I had a bad feeling about this. I ran my hand down the back of my braid, making sure it was neat, before walking into the main room. The Doctor had her sonic in her hand, tapping it on her chin thoughtfully while Graham was sat on the bed and Ryan was staring out the window watching the wet onslaught.

“I can’t let this go on,” the Doctor muttered. “Come on, gang.”

We followed the Doctor, clad in our raincoats again, down the stairs.

“Eh! Where you lot off ter in this weather? It ent safe,” the kindly receptionist asked, standing up from his chair.

“We have errands to run,” Graham gave the man an uneasy smile before we made to leave.

“In this weather?” He replied, shouting over the thundering rain that sounded as we opened the door.

We hurried out, not offering him a response. The Doctor had her hood up, sonic in the air scanning. The lightening was bright, and the thunder was so loud. This was dangerous, we all knew it. But what choice did we have? The rain was so heavy it was running down the road like a river, the drains had burst, unable to hold any more water. The Doctor was right, we needed to sort this. Today.

We rounded a corner, and then another, the Doctor’s sonic acting like a beacon for us in the dark until we came upon an old brick building. Quite insignificant and rather innocuous. It had a sign ‘SPORTS GO!’ on the front and the massive car park that surrounded it was almost empty.

“Are you sure it’s here, Doc?” Graham asked, rain ‘tip-tapping’ on his hood.

“Not really, well, it can’t be far, but there’s only one way to find out,” she said, taking a step towards the key-padded doors.

“Oh, ‘ere we go,” Ryan muttered, clutching his coat as he followed after her.

The Doctor scanned the sonic across the keypad, the orange glow reflecting off the metal, before the door popped open. She ushered us in, glad to be out of the storm, before following us and shutting the door behind her.

It was awful in here, dark and damp. The walls were bricked, and the floor was concrete. There was a corridor straight ahead with doors leading off of it. It was quiet, the only light came from weak overhead lamps, the ones found in schools all around the UK, except these were on their last legs.

I wanted to shrug my wet coat off, but it was cold in here too. “It looks like a rather rustic warehouse.” Was all I could think to say, folding my arms against the chill that laced the air.

“What it looks like, and what it is, can be as different as a Zygon and a human,” muttered the Doctor as she pulled her hood down and scanned with sonic. “The signal’s stronger. Looks like we’re in the right place.” She graced us with a stern look, asking with her eyes if we were ready for this.

“Lead the way, Doctor,” Ryan said.

“Are we alone?” I added. “It’s quiet.”

She scanned the sonic again. “I don’t think so,” her voice was suddenly lowered. “Be cautious.” She warned, her eyes steely and determined.

Nothing stopped the Doctor when she wanted something. This thought gave me a rush of confidence as we all stepped behind her as she led the way down the hall, sonic bared.

“I don’t like this,” Graham said, looking around nervously.

“Nor do I," my skin pricked, from the cold or from my nerves, I wasn’t sure. The knot in my stomach was still there, making itself known as we walked the seemingly desolate halls.

The Doctor’s sonic must have picked something up. “We’re definitely getting closer, even if it’s only marginal.” She said, looking around. “I think we should check these doors.” She scanned the nearest three with the sonic. “No life signals in either of these.”

She pushed open the nearest one, it was filled with old computers and mostly empty lockers. A few papers were scattered around the place, the Doctor rifled through some, her slim fingers pushing paper around, before she declared them useless.

“Looks like this room ent been used in ages,” Ryan commented.

The Doctor nodded. “You’re right,” she put her hands on her hips, frowning. “There’s got to be something here!” She flapped her hands with a sigh. “You two,” she pointed to me and Graham. “Go and check the other rooms we just walked past and me and Ryan will check the ones that way,” she pointed to the left where the hallway careened around a corner.

I nodded, I didn’t like being away from the Doctor, but I wasn’t about to be a whiner, not now.

“Come on, Yaz," Graham led the way, throwing open the next door.

The room looked much the same, old computers were sat unused and the room was littered with old books, well past dog-eared.

“I don’t understand,” I muttered. “Why doesn’t this place look used?”

“Maybe it is,” Graham said, giving me a knowing look. “Maybe just not here.”

“Come on, let’s check the next one.”

We opened the third door to find the room in the same familiar state. I looked behind us, the Doctor and Ryan must have turned the corner while we ended up back by the front doors. There was one last door between us and it. I walked over and pulled it open. Nothing. Again. Though this one was slightly tidier, less cluttered.

“Nothing, Graham,” I sighed.

“Maybe the Doctor’s had better luck,” he said, turning to make for where she’d walked off.

Then I noticed it, sticking out under the desk, just enough that it was visible. “Graham!” I pointed to what looked like a trapped door. “There!”

He’s blue eyes rounded in shock. “How’d you spot that then, eh? We better go and tell the Doc… and fast.”

“I’ll go,” I said, squeezing past Graham and out the door.

I walked briskly up the corridor, getting to the top and turning to the left to where only more doors and corridor greeted me, before it turned sharply right. I heard footsteps then from around the corner.

“Doctor?” No response.

Then I heard it, male voices. It wasn’t Ryan. My heart leapt in my chest and I span on my heels, running down the corridor and back to Graham. God knows where the Doctor was, she presumably avoided them else she would have surely intercepted them. Graham frantically ran out the room as he heard my rapid footsteps.

I yelled out. “Graham! Quick!”

“What is it, Yaz, love?”

I gestured wildly behind me. “Men," I gave him a stern stare.

We didn’t know who these people were, and the Doctor told us to always assume proximity is a risk when you’re not sure.

“Where’s the Doc and Ryan?” Graham looked a but ruffled, but already moving back into the room and shutting the door.

“I don’t know. But we need to get out of here. I’m not leaving this building; we can’t leave the Doctor and Ryan in here alone, so the only way out I can see is down there,” I pointed to the trapdoor and Graham frantically pulled it open, letting out a warm breeze. There were stairs leading into a dirty, low corridor, lit with fuzzy yellow wall lamps. What an odd place? I didn’t think to much about it though, given our situation.

“Go!” I ushered Graham down as I heard footsteps outside the door.

He scrambled down the steep stairs as fast as he could, and I followed, pulling the trap door gently closed behind me. The corridor was small, and dusty. I edged Graham forward.

“Come on, in case they heard us,” we walked, the warmer air was nice, but it was thick, thick of what? I wasn’t sure.

It was almost harder to breathe. The ceiling was low, and the tunnel was so small that it could only fit one of us, single file. We walked for a while and then suddenly the scenery changed. The tunnel led to a very swanky looking corridor. Metal walls and floors, clean, and bright white lights lit the place up.

“Well this certainly is a change from upstairs,” Graham noted, his head peering around.

“You got that right,” I muttered. “Though it doesn’t feel deserted anymore,” I observed, keeping my voice low.

The metallic, bright, hallway split both left and right and curved around the corners on both sides so we couldn’t see very far ahead.

“I’ll scout left, and you right?” I said to Graham.

“What? Separate? I don’t think that’s a good idea, Yaz,” he whispered back.

“Well it’ll cover more ground faster, and if one of us gets in trouble, there’s one of us left to find the Doctor,” I reasoned. “I have my mobile, you can ring me if something’s up.”

Graham looked uneasy. “I’m not sure.”

“How about we both go our separate ways, but meet back here in ten, yeah?”

Graham nodded. “Alright, if you ain’t back, I’ll be calling you.”

I nodded. “Deal.”

“Okay…” Graham started off towards the right, walking slowly.

“Good luck,” I uttered before I started walking to the left. My shoes made little taps on the metal floor.

What an odd design choice, and why was the building so bizarre? I crept around the corridor slowly. There wasn’t much here, just bright lights against the shimmering metal floors and walls. I reached a door on the left. Bravely, despite the clawing in my stomach, I opened it.

Wow! This was alien tech alright. There were dismantled parts and machines I didn’t recognise here along with working hi-tech computers, large grey lockers, and tables with bits and pieces on. I knew enough to know they weren’t parts of anything that came from Earth. There were bits of light and colour on them, as well as tools I was unfamiliar with. There were also little things that looked like microchips.

I hastily left the room, creeping slowly down the hall to another similar door, and opening it. This room was the same, except there were even more parts and it looked like they had been building something. What the hell was going on here? I suddenly wanted the Doctor. I wanted her soft presence, her security of words, and her leadership. I didn’t know what to do about what I had found.

I pulled my phone out, dialling Ryan. He answered quickly. “Yaz?” He hissed in a hushed tone. “What’s up?”

“Ryan!” I felt a flood of relief. “Is the Doctor with you?”

“No, Yaz. She left me here while she went off somewhere. She might have found something. But I was snooping around and then there were these magic men. They were shooting sparks from their fingers, hitting stuff like target practice, it were crazy! Be on your guard. Do you hear me? Keep an eye out. Where’s Graham?”

I felt panic rising within me. I needed to talk to the Doctor about this tech. “We’re separated, we split up to search for things. Ryan, what do you mean magic men? I’ve found some weird alien stuff in this room and in another one further back. I need to tell the Doctor!” I turned to leave the room. “I’m going back to Graham. I don’t like this, we should’ve stayed together.”

If Ryan said anything else, I didn’t hear it, as suddenly standing in front of me was a man wearing a blue uniform, stern faced, sporting a black goatee. I didn’t have chance to speak before I felt a shock that ripped through my entire body and then darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Props to my partner for helping me to come up with the 'baddies' in this fic.  
> I hope you enjoyed it.  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated.  
> <3


	6. The Darkest Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning that there is violence, both verbal and physical, in this chapter and in following ones to come.  
> Also thank you to anyone who's commented or left kudos, I appreciate it.  
> Enjoy.

Fuzzy voices.

“Doctor?”

Male voices I didn’t recognise. It was bright behind my eyelids, but I could also see as shadows hovered and moved around me. I opened my eyes slowly. Where was I? And then I saw them. Men in blue uniforms. They blurred into focus above me. I was lying on the floor.

“Who are you?” I asked, voice weak. I tried to move my body, but a sharp pain rippled through it. “Gah!”

“Don’t try and move,” a voice said as I realised that my wrists and ankles were tied together. “I think we need to know who you are and why you’re here. Especially someone of your… kind.”

Anger, loud, fiery, and real, burned inside of me at his word choices. How dare he. “What do you mean?! _Kind?_  ”

“Sikh are you?” He crossed his arms, a sneer of his face.

“Muslim,” I spat out. I looked around the room, noting that the men standing around him were all white. I knew what I was dealing with instantly, a felt a glimmer of fear settle in amongst my anger. I knew how far people could go with racism.

“Even worse,” He said casually, twisting his hand this way and that as he examined his fingers.

I spat at him, an aggressive, violent spit, and a big ball of saliva landed on his shoe. “You’re vile!”

“Maybe," he answered nonchalantly. "But at least I’m not like you. Now, tell me why you’re here,” his voice was too calm.

I refused to answer, yanking slightly at my constraints, body hurting with the effort, my rage growing again at his taunting comments. “What did you do to me!?”

“Just gave you a little shock,” the man said, as a startling bolt of light shot from the tips of his fingers, sparking as he held it in place.

This man was clearly the leader, he had dark hair and a goatee. The rest of the men were still standing, watching, letting him do all the talking.

Fear, real fear, knotted hard in my stomach, twisting with anger and hate. I struggled to breathe. “What do you want with me?” I was determined to keep my voice hard and fierce.

“I already told you, answers to our questions. Who are you and why are you here?”

“What if I don’t want to answer that?” My heart hammered in my chest, pounding wildly.

“Then…” A blast of pain shot through my entire body, making me slam my head back and scream, the force of it tearing at my vocal chords.

I felt like I was being burned alive. And then it stopped, leaving me panting.

He repeated himself. “Who are you and why are you here?”

“What if I told you that I just happened to stumble in here looking for shelter from the rain?” I panted out, shaking from the pain that still coursed through my body.

“Don’t lie to me! I heard you on the phone, which I also now have,” he waved my phone about. “You found our tech. Why do you want to tell your doctor? It doesn’t make sense, so make it make sense.”

I bit my lip, a tear burning hot and escaping my eye, betraying my fear. “I’m not telling you anything.”

“Ahhhh!” I screamed as it felt like every nerve ending in my body was being singed all at once. My arms and legs were straining against whatever was bounding them, only causing me more pain. “Please stop!” I shouted through gritted teeth.

“Answer me!” He roared, sparks hot between his fingers.

My loyalty to the Doctor was going to get me killed. If that was the case, so be it.

“No,” I answered, hot tears streaming unchecked down my cheeks before I was struck again, screaming so hard that I thought I would pass out with the pain of it. I wondered how much more I could handle, my body shaking with adrenaline, fear, and possibly, foolishness.

“I can do this all day,” he said, blowing across his fingertips.

I started him straight in the eye, teeth chattering from the pain. “So can I.”

He sighed, clearly sensing a losing battle. “I’ll leave you here to ponder the questions I’ve asked you. Maybe time will jog your memory. Don’t disappoint me when I come back, else you’ll feel what else I can do, especially to one like you.” I watched through teary eyes as he and his cohorts left the room, leaving me alone.

A thick sheen of sweat covered my body that was still shaking. I looked around the room and it was like the other one I had found, except larger. Hi-tech computers lined the walls, bright lights were hung on the ceiling, blinding me if I looked up, and large grey lockers stood next to one of the two doors leading out of here. The doors were on opposite sides of the room and I briefly wondered where they would lead, and how I was to get out of here. How would the Doctor, Ryan or Graham even find me? It looked like everywhere else down here. I felt utterly hopeless and scared, the anxiety that was following me around for the past few days was hitting me all at once.

The walls were closing in, the lights were blurring, and my heart was hammering in my chest. I couldn’t breathe and I gasped for breaths that drew in little air. I sobbed, turning my face towards the ground and screaming, futilely trying to yank my hands and feet free. The panic within me took over my body that not even the Doctor’s sweet voice could be heard over my screams. I thought I was going to die.

~

I was being rolled over, hands were on me, my neck, my face, my body, touching, feeling for what? I didn’t know. But they were warm, warm even against my sweat soaked and scorched skin.

I opened my eyes; a blob of blonde entered my vision before my eyes focused through tears on a face that made me smile. The face was frowning, hazel eyes were worried, and soft lips were moving rapidly, though I didn’t know what they were saying.

“Are you an angel?” I asked, suddenly feeling my arms come free of their restraints with a satisfying pop.

I flexed my arms, wincing as they burned and ached, before I felt the same treatment on my legs. Then I was lifted up, leaning against something soft.

“Yaz?” It was quiet. Almost noiseless. “Yaz!” It got louder. I was being rocked, and I frowned, my body hurting, as I burst into tears.

I felt myself being turned carefully and cradled against a very warm body, with two hammering heart beats, and then I was gone again.

~

It was dark when I woke up. I thought I must have died. And then everything rushed back to me like ice cold water dripping down my neck. I remembered the warehouse, the trapdoor, the men, the shocks, and then finally, the Doctor.

I sat bolt upright, heart racing, panic rising. “Doctor!”

A hand clamped over my mouth. A warm hand. An unusually warm hand. And then I realised where I was. There was slits of light in the darkness. I was in a larger locker. Well. we were.

The Doctor’s legs were either side of me, I was sat between them. The Doctor, with her hand still on my mouth, pulled me back so I leaned against her chest. Presumably where I was before I woke. She was soft and warm against my back.

“Don’t speak!” Hot breath said down my ear before her hand moved.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to sing the Doctor’s name to the heavens. She saved me. Overwhelmed with emotion, I turned my body, agony tearing through every muscle, before nestling my face into the Doctor’s soft chest, grabbing a fistful of her dark t-shirt. Hot tears were once again streaming down my cheeks. I was so done with today. I felt as two hearts thumped strong in her chest. What a beautiful sound.

An arm wrapped around my waist, a chin rested gently on my head, soft hair tickling there. I stayed there for a while, taking in the smell, the safety, of this incredible woman before pulling my face away and looking into the Doctor’s eyes; hazel sparkled in the light that streamed through the slat. I went to speak, to ask her what the hell was going on, and where were Ryan and Graham, but a slender finger was pressed onto my lips, and the Doctor shook her head, blonde hair shaking gently.

Her gaze was angry. What were we doing in here? And then I heard it, voices, his voice. My whole body tensed up, I was terrified and fuming with unchecked anger towards that man. Panic started rising, fear bubbling down below surrounded my chest, tightening and making it hard to breathe. I felt a sob in my throat, remembering the things he had said about my race and my religion. The Doctor looked panicked, any sound and we’d be found. She grabbed my face with warm hands, telling me with her soft eyes that it was okay. She pulled me gently right up to her chest, facing sideways so my legs draped over one of hers and my hip was near her groin.

She pushed my ear against her chest, her two hearts were beating fast, but their rhythm was soothing. My breaths were still rapid, I bit my lip holding back tears as the man shouted just outside.

“Where the hell is she?!” He screamed, sounded angrier than ever before.  

The Doctor picked up one of my hands and placed it onto her chest, next to my face, and made a point to take a big gentle breath. And again. And another. I tried to copy her, but the man outside screamed again and I lost it. Biting my lip hard as my face crumpled in tears. The Doctor covered my mouth with her hand again, pulling me tighter to her body, stifling my sobs.

“Please, Yaz,” she whispered down my ear as the shocker man walked around the room before finally leaving, his footsteps loud and angry before they faded.

I did nothing but cry, body racking with sobs as the Doctor removed her hand, placing it soothingly onto my back instead, rubbing small, warm circles there. I’d never felt so comforted by someone my entire life. She was so warm and soft.

After a couple of minutes, when the tears subsided, I felt the Doctor’s body shift under mine. “I’ve got to go, Yaz. I’m leaving you here, do not make a sound and do not move. Do you understand me?” Her voice stern, eyes fierce. “You’re in danger here.”

“Don’t leave! Not now,” the Doctor’s face softened as she put a hand on my cheek.

“Do you think I care about you so little that I would leave you willingly? I have to, Yaz,” I covered my hand over hers, leaning into her palm, before she took it away.

She sonic’d the air, taking a reading, before opening one door to the locker. She lifted me, shifting her body out from under mine and out the door in one swift motion.

“Stay,” she said firmly before pushing the door back closed, leaving me in the dark, feeling the shocking cold of metal replacing the heat of her body.

I leaned forward and peered through the slat, I watched as the Doctor’s booted feet walked to the middle of the room, sonic’ing the air. She read something, her face crumpled, before she walked out the room, her coat tails fanning behind her.

Watching her leave set my anxiety on edge again. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t sit here alone. I couldn’t do nothing. Carelessly, I pushed the door to the locker open and stood up. I hissed with pain, feeling dizzy, but quickly limped after the Doctor. I was quick enough to catch up to her, seeing her powerful strides walk down a hallway I had never seen before.

She whirled around, hearing my footsteps, and anger flashed in her eyes before it softened, being replaced by pity as I limped after her, biting my lip as every muscle screamed.

“I thought I told you to stay there!” Her harsh voice shocked me.

“I’m so sorry, Doctor, but I can’t.”

“Of course you can’t,” she tutted, but her voice was softer now.

She walked towards me, grabbing one of my arms and draping it over her neck, and wrapping an arm around my waist, I leaned onto her, knowing her strength belied her size.

“This is my _job,_ ” I reminded her. “I’m built for this. And I have unfinished business with that man.”

“How many times did he shock you?” The Doctor’s voice was firm, unreadable.

“I don’t know. Three or four. Maybe five. It’s all a blur,” I put more weight onto the Doctor as one step was particularly painful. “How did you know? About the shocks and where I was?”

“I was down here anyway, the sonic led me here, we’re close to whatever’s causing all of this. I heard your screams and when I reached you the sonic told me… what had happened,” she gritted her teeth, face determined, as we walked.

The hallway was much like the metal one I was in before they dragged me here. We passed more doors, but I assumed the Doctor knew where she was going.

“What are those things? The people that can shock?”

The Doctor’s brow furrowed. “I think I know, I found all sorts of junk from the planet Sontar. They’re human. Humans who’ve been messing with the wrong alien tech. How they got it? I don’t know. Probably left over from a war eons ago.”

I hissed as one step twisted my muscles in a painful way, vision blurring as my head went dizzy. “I hate them.”

I couldn’t make out the Doctor’s reaction, but I felt her stop and her arms pull more tightly around me. When my vision came back into focus, she was frowning at me with pity. Her gaze was soft but there was an anger that shimmered in those depths.

“Where are Ryan and Graham?” I hissed out.

“They were together before I found you. Graham was skulking around when I bumped into him and said you had gone off and hadn’t come back, and that a man answered your phone. We then went back to Ryan where I’d left him, who’d said there were men here with magic, though there’s no such thing as magic so I knew something was very fishy indeed. We were worried sick. I left them some place safe when I heard your screams. Thankfully their hearing doesn’t hear sound that far, else I think they might’ve killed for you, Yaz.”

I felt a staggering relief knowing that they were both together and hopefully safe. And then I thought about what the Doctor had said.

“Would you?”

The Doctor eyes bore into mine, her hazel depths powerful and steely. “I don’t condone killing unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

I wondered what ‘necessary’ condoned as we started walking again.

The Doctor pulled her sonic out with her free hand and sonic’d the air before looking at the readings. “We’re close.”

“Close to what exactly?” I asked, limping, one hand with a fistful of her coat.

“We’re about to find out,” she said, voice strong and eyes fierce.

There was a big double door ahead, looming at the bottom of the hall. It looked like an important room. If they were trying to hide something valuable, they didn’t do a very good job. The Doctor pushed the door open and helped me through.

It was a circular room, and it was almost empty except, in the middle on a pedestal, was a weird machine. The Doctor leaned me gently against the cold steel wall before moving to examine it.

“What is it?” I asked, hissing slightly at the pain throughout my entire body. I did not feel good.

“A weather machine? I’m not exactly sure. What I do know though,” she said, using the sonic to scan the oval device. “Is that it’s causing these storms.”

I grunted as I shifted on the wall, pain shocking through my muscles. “Are you going to destroy it?”

She pointed the sonic at the machine. “I’m going to try,” she said, her voice was devoid of mirth as her gaze held a fierce determination.

The doors suddenly banged open, making me jump as the Doctor’s head rapidly swished round, and the man with the goatee walked in with about ten other men. “I don’t think so.” He said, voice sharp, pointing his fingers at the Doctor.

“Where did he come from?!” I gasped, anger and fear both present in my gut.

The Doctor kept her sonic trained on the machine as one of the men grabbed me harshly, making pain ripple through my entire body, causing me to cry out. The Doctor cast a glance my way.

The leader took a few steps closer to the Doctor. “Destroy that and I’ll kill your friend,” the man holding me lit his fingers up with static shocks, the noise crackling near my ear, my heart pounding, limbs shaking.

The Doctor looked my way, worry in her gaze but overshadowed by something more. “It’s okay,” I said, though I didn’t believe it. “Just do it.”

The Doctor still hadn’t dropped her sonic from the machine. She looked at me, almost telling me with her eyes that she knew what she was doing, and then she pressed the button as the sonic lit-up, buzzing loudly.

I heard the leader scream. “No!” As he dived at the Doctor.

Then I felt searing pain through my entire body, sizzling from my head and flooding all the way to my toes. I wasn’t sure if I even had time to scream. And then it went dark for the second time that day.


	7. Nighttime Hunger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to everybody engaging with my story.  
> I hope you're enjoying reading it as much as I am writing it. <3  
> (Also: I am so mean to poor Yaz. She goes through a lot, bless her.)

I was dead this time. I must be. Or dying. I wasn’t sure where I was. It was dark and the only noise I could hear was a faint voice. A woman’s. I must have been lying down, though it wasn’t comfortable.

My whole body felt hot and cold at the same time. I was shaking. Yep, I was sure I was going to die. A hand stroked my hair, a hand that was not warm this time. I inwardly sighed. It couldn’t have been the Doctor, she’s always warm. This thought was the last thing in my head before nothingness.

More shivering. I opened my eyes, but it was so bright this time that it burned, and I closed them straight away. I shifted my face away from it, pushing it into what must have been a bed that I was lying on. I heard a shuffle from nearby, and gentle footsteps that neared me.

“Yaz?” So soft.

This time I risked the pain, there was no mistaking that voice, I opened my eyes. “Doctor?”

A blonde halo swam into my vision and came quickly close as the Doctor knelt beside me.

“Where are we?” I whispered, voice hoarse. “How long have I been out?”

A soft hand came to my head. “I’m so sorry,” it was the Doctor’s voice, but so sad. “You got shocked, it was my fault. I miscalculated. I let you down.”

I didn’t even know how to respond, shaking violently and feeling so ill.

“Am I dying, Doctor?” I pulled the thin blanket closer around me.

“No, not while I’m here,” I heard, rather than saw the Doctor shrug out of her coat, and carefully drape it over me.

The warmth and the smell that was so _her_ made me sigh, a small moan escaping my lips, pulling it right up to my face. “Where are we?” I asked again, vision coming back slowly; head pounding slightly less.

“In a cell,” the Doctor sighed, sitting next to my bed on the floor. “I’m so sorry, Yasmin. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I was supposed to keep you safe.”

“Shhhh,” I tried to stop her talking. “I made a choice to be with you, I meant it when I said I wanted more time with the universe and more time with you. And whatever comes with that life.”

Her face, now more focused, offered me a smile but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Go to sleep,” her hand stroked my face, her fingers colder than usual, before I was falling back into darkness.

I don’t know how long I was out on that bed, but my memories were hazy, coming in and out of consciousness. But I was certain of one thing, they were filled with the Doctor. She was always there. A comfort that kept me going.

This time, when I awoke, my vision was almost normal, a bit hazy at the edges, but I could see fine. My fever still hadn’t broken, but it was bearable now. I sat up, the Doctor’s coat still draped over me, and looked around the room.

It was a cell, that was for certain. The only things in here was the crummy cot that I was lying on, and a sink and toilet in the opposite corner. The walls and floors were the same boring metal, and there were no windows besides the tiny one in the top of the door. There was one thing that was missing though. The Doctor.

I sat up, her coat and the thin brown blanket dropping off my shoulders. I tried to stand but I fell back down, legs shaking. Without the blanket the cold air was making me violently shake. I pulled the Doctor’s coat over my front and burrowed down into the softness of it, trying to stifle my panic. Her smell only made me panic more. Where was she? Where were Ryan and Graham?

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you’re completely out of control of your own life? Where, despite your clawing fear and agony, everything is out of your hands? That’s how I felt then. Utterly powerless. I didn’t feel, for the first time in so long, like PC Yasmin Khan.

I pulled my legs up, tucking them under the Doctor’s coat and resting my head back against the wall. I was so thirsty and hungry. God knows the last time I ate. My body felt like I had been beaten up, I assumed it was down to the shock I had received. They tried to kill me. I shivered, realising that, somehow, I was lucky to be sitting in this cell.

But where was the Doctor? I was so worried about her and about Ryan and Graham too, but a part of me was hopeful that they had escaped. I closed my eyes, but the bright lights of the cell was annoying me to no end.

Then I heard voices, my head snapped up as they neared the cell. And then I watched as the handle went down and the door creaked open. The Doctor was thrown in, stumbling, but she didn’t go down and instead got back to her feet. The door slammed shut and she looked my way, noticing me. Her hair was a bit frazzled, but she otherwise looked unharmed. I pushed her coat off my shoulders and ran to her, wrapping my arms around her tiny body and resting my cheek on her chest, sighing. Thank god she was okay. Thank god she was here. I started shivering from the cold, so the Doctor pulled me tight against her. I could hear two rapid heartbeats.

“Are you okay?” I asked, mumbling into her chest.

I felt a nod before her cheek came to rest on my head. We stood there for a while, not saying anything. Her heart beat slowed only slightly. “How long have I been out of it?” I asked, pulling away from the hug and pulling the Doctor’s coat over my shoulders.

“A couple of days,” her voice had an edge, a sadness, to it.

“Where did they take you? Just now.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “How are you?”

“Better, but still awful. And it does matter,” I pushed.

“I’ll tell you…” She started, hazel eyes serious. “Later.”

I decided to drop the subject for now. The Doctor was a woman of her word. “I’m starved,” I said. “And I need the loo.”

“They usually bring small scraps for food, of course I’ve barely been eating it. And the toilet is over there,” the Doctor gestured to the wall behind her.

I felt myself cringe with embarrassment. “I can’t go with you there.”

The Doctor smiled weakly and walked over to the opposite corner, facing the wall. “It’s the best I can do.”

“This is so embarrassing,” I muttered before awkwardly having to pee with the Doctor standing not too far away from me, cheeks flaming.

Something was up with her, she wasn’t her usual self. I knew she felt bad about what had happened to me, but it was out of her hands.

“Doctor, are you okay?” I said, staring at her back as pulled my trousers up.

“Not really, Yaz.”

I washed my hands before walking shakily over to her and placing a hand on her back. “Talk to me.”

Her eyes turned to mine, melancholy swam in their depths. “I stopped the storms,” she started, sighing. “But in the process, I got you hurt and us stuck in here with no way out. They have my sonic.”

“You stopped them? So, you destroyed the machine?” I said, hopes lifting slightly. “You did it, Doctor.”

“I thought,” she started, sitting down on the low cot. I sat next to her. “That their powers came from the machine itself, so I didn’t think that they would be able to hurt you once I destroyed it. But I was wrong. They can, and I think I know how.”

“How?” I asked gently.

“They have developed microchips from the power of the machine. I saw them in their labs before I found you. I think they’re implanted within them, giving them the power. If I can disable them…” she huffed. “But of course, no sonic.”

“I saw them!” Suddenly remembering some of the tech I saw in their labs. “They must be part of some sort of cult. Why would they want to cause storms like this?”

The Doctor’s scowl deepened. “I don’t know. They won’t tell me a thing. But I don’t like them, Yaz. They’re not good people and have abused things that they don’t understand. I’ve never cared much for anyone who thinks it’s okay to hurt any living thing. Especially people.”

“It’ll be okay, Doc, right? We’ll think of something. We always do.”

“Of course, Yaz,” and for the first time that day there was a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

Suddenly the lights went out, leaving us with little light that came in through the small window in the door.

“Bed time,” the Doctor said, answering my questioning look.

“But I just woke up,” I sighed. “I’m so hungry.”

“Ah!” The Doctor perked up the most I’d seen for a while and reached for her coat which was next to us. She stuck her arm into one of her pockets. “Not that one.” She muttered before searching in another. “There!” She pulled out an apple, handing it to me, smiling softly.

I stared at her in slight shock. “What else do you have in there?” I laughed before taking a bite of the seemingly fresh apple. I was so hungry it didn’t take long before there was only the cork. By this point the Doctor was pacing the small room, hands in her trouser pockets.

“Thank you,” I muttered, putting the cork down and climbing back into bed, pulling the blanket and the Doctor’s coat back up over myself. I tapped the little room that was left. “Come on, lie down.”

“I’m okay, Yaz,” she said, still pacing.

“Doctor, I’m going to go mad watching you pace. Please. I’m cold.”

I knew that last statement would help to encourage her as she sighed and squeezed in beside me. She was warm again, and her smell was heavenly.

“Are you going to tell me what happened to you earlier? What they did?” I asked.

She sighed. “They questioned me,” was all she offered.

“Did they hurt you?”

“Not really,” her soft voice was quiet.

“What does that mean, Doctor?”

“They were shocking me. Asking information like how I knew about the machine and what my sonic was.”

I was about to interrupt, concern taking over, when she shushed me.

“It doesn’t really work,” she continued. “I’m not as effected by it as you humans. And I certainly have a much higher pain threshold.”

“How?” She was always beautiful in faint light.

I watched as her lips moved as she spoke softly. “I’m made of tougher stuff,” those very lips turned into a smile.

“Doctor, really,” I wanted to know, she had never told me, or any of us.

“I’m a Time Lord,” she said simply, like she was telling me she was a woman.

“It suits you,” I said, smiling and she smiled back. “So powerful, unique and beautiful. Is that why you have two hearts? Being a Time Lord?”

She nodded.

“So cool,” I muttered. “Are there lots of Time Lords?”

I must have said the wrong thing, for her eyes lost their sparkle. “At one time.”

“And now?”

The Doctor closed her eyes, my chest felt heavy, feeling for the Doctor. I think I knew what she was about to say. “I am the last surviving Time Lord in the entire universe. The last of my kind.” 

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, finding her hand under the covers and lasing our fingers together.

The motion sent a flurry of feelings to a place where I didn’t expect them. I bit my lip, feeling worried and guilty. The Doctor squeezed my hand which only served to send more feelings to follow. Maybe I was just feeling proud and excited to be holding the hand of the very last Time Lord. I always knew she was so special.

“Doctor?”

“Ummmm?” She said, her husky voice causing my feelings to tickle. I ignored it.

“Thank you. For being here, throughout all of it. You never let me down. And don’t say you let me down today! Because you didn’t. You’re here now.”

“You’re very welcome, Yasmin Khan,” her eyes were soft, dark, in the dim light, cheekbones pronounced, lips so, so soft.

“I think you’re so beautiful, Doctor,” I said, using my free hand to gently touch my finger tips to her cheeks.

Her eyes closed as I felt the softness of her skin, the sharpness of her cheekbones, running my fingers over her chin, then her lips. They curved in all the right places, her cupids bow was gentle and sharp all at the same time. As I moved my hands down her neck her eyes opened, watching me intently. I ran my fingers across her pronounced collarbones, across her shoulder, and down her side, gasping slightly as I grazed the swell of her breast.

“I’m sorry,” I breathed.

The Doctor went to speak, mouth open, but nothing came out as my hand continued its journey. I ran my hand across her firm stomach, pressing slightly to feel the muscles underneath, the Doctor gasped, and my eyes shot to hers. They were darker, and slightly unnerving.

“Sorry… again. I’ll stop if you want…”

“It’s okay,” her voice was deep, husky and feminine all at once.

I felt a thread of desire travel down my spine and settle in between my legs. This was bad. And wrong. It wasn’t innocent like the Doctor thought it was. But I didn’t want to stop, I was so intrigued by this alien. This _Time Lord_ that lay before me.

I tentatively resumed my trail, running my fingers over her stomach and back up her side before touching the side of her neck. I could feel her pulse, two at once. I trailed my hand to her chest, resting in between both breasts as I felt her heartbeats. They were both pumping away under her warm skin like little hummingbirds.

“You okay?” I asked, moving my eyes away from her chest and to her eyes.

“Fine, really,” though there was an edge to her that made me feel like I’d crossed some sort of line. I pulled both my hands away from her.

“I’m sorry, Doctor. I just wanted to see if you felt the same as, well… us. It was wrong and I’m sorry.”

She sighed. “Can I try?” She asked, almost timidly.

“Try what, Doctor?” I asked, confused.

Rather than responding the Doctor put a hand gently onto my face, running her fingers over my skin, leaving fire in their wake. Her index finger traced my lips and I felt my breath speed up along with my heart. Her fingers trailed around my ears, and I had to bite my lip to stifle my awful feelings, and then she started gently playing with my hair, eliciting little tugs of pleasure from my scalp.

This was all too much for me. I didn’t understand these feelings and I wanted to cry. I felt so wrong and so dirty. The Doctor was just being the Doctor and being curious and I was being a perv. She must have noticed a tear slip its way down my cheek because she frowned, taking her hand of off me like she’d been stung.

“Yaz?” Her voice was quiet and concerned. “Did I hurt you?” I shook my head, rolling over and away from her, my face to the wall and my back to her. “I’m so sorry, Yaz. What did I do? Please tell me.” Her tone was pleading.

“It’s not you.”

“I don’t understand,” the Doctor said, her quiet voice breaking me.

“I’m not very well, you know that,” I tried hard to keep my voice steady.

I felt her nod. “You look much better though; your skin is cooler. The fever has almost broken it seems. How are you feeling?”

 _Confused._ So, so, confused. And scared. That feeling of dread that I’d been having for days returned to the pit of my stomach. I questioned whether it was to do with the Doctor the entire time but given our situation maybe the anxiety was warranted. Maybe something worse was going to happen to us.

“I’m better,” I said, voice low. “I’m worried about us, and about Ryan and Graham.”

“We’ll figure it out. You know we always do,” she placed a comforting hand on my back, but it was hot and sent a thrill down my spine. I leaned away from her and she dropped her hand, it landed on the mattress with an almost inaudible thud.

She went to speak, made a small sound and then she started talking. “Are you sure I haven’t upset you? If I was touching you out of turn, I apologise. I don’t always understand social conventions, so I’m so sorry if I crossed a line.”

I rolled onto my back, seeing the Doctor out the corner of my eye. “I’m not myself,” was all I said.

“What do you mean?” Her voice was soft, so close to my ear.

“In my head, I don’t feel like I’m thinking and feeling how I usually think and feel. These anxieties have only made it worse.”

“Maybe,” The Doctor started, as I caught her trying not to touch me, the sight breaking my heart. “It’s just everything that’s been going on, Yaz. You’ve been shocked several times by those disgusting men, and they hurt you so bad… I was thought I was going to lose you,” her voice got softer, gentler. “Human minds are so easily meddled with. I think it would surprise me more if you hadn’t been affected,” she rolled onto her back too, tucking an arm behind her head.

“What do I do?”

“Try your hardest to find what makes you fight, Yaz. What makes you strong, and what makes you go on, despite the fear. Find that and try to channel it over all the chaos that’s happening right now. Use that to aid you and be strong.”

I thought back to the start of everything. I became a police officer to get to the top, so I could stop people bullying and hurting other people the way they hurt me. That was a start.

But when I really thought about it, and it didn’t take much thinking really, was what made me the fighter and what always conquered the fears inside me.

I looked to my right. Blonde hair was splayed out across the tiny pillow we shared, her smell tickling my nostrils, her ear cuff on display. One arm was behind her head, her face was facing the ceiling like my own only moments earlier. Then she turned and faced me, smiling and it reflected in her hazel depths.

The Doctor.

I realised how immensely lucky I was to have this woman here with me, not only in life, but throughout this entire journey, and especially in this cell. I reached my hand across the blanket and laced our fingers together again. I buried any odd feelings, and just felt the immense pride that she fell into my life. The only Time Lord in the entire universe, and she was lying next to me. The said Time Lord squeezed my hand, as her nose crinkled softly with a radiant smile.

How goddamn lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaz, that's gay.


	8. Panic Cord

I felt like I’d slept most of my life away in this cell. I woke when the lights were turned on, presumably the morning ritual, and I sat up rubbing my eyes in the now empty bed.

The Doctor was gone again. She’d taken her coat this time, sensing that I didn’t need it now I was starting to feel better. I chuckled softly. She was obsessed with her coat. I was surprised that she relinquished it for so long to me in the first place.

I sat up, stretching, my muscles still aching and my head still woozy. I got up of off the low cot, washing myself in the sink and using the toilet before I noticed the little bowl on the floor next to a bottle of water.

Was that supposed to be food?

It looked like porridge, but rather than being a nice beige, it was a sludgy grey. Gross. Though I was so hungry I tried some. It wasn’t as bad as it looked, but it wasn’t good either. I ate it anyway, starving. The apple the Doctor gave me wasn’t enough to quench my hunger, and then drank some of the water, my throat hoarse.

For the first time since being here I wondered who else they were keeping prisoner. Why else have these cells built? Surely this couldn’t be the only one? And where was the Doctor?

My heart raced at the thought of her being tortured again. Despite her Time Lord resistance, it still made me scared and angry. Maybe this was what the Doctor was talking about last night. About using something, or in my case, someone, to be brave.

The door creaked open, and I looked up expecting the Doctor to be thrown in again, but it wasn’t. It was a man in blue uniform. The men who stood by while their leader tortured me, and presumably, the Doctor too. I felt anger laced with fear twisting in my gut.

“Get up. You’re coming with me.”

“What if I don’t want to?” I asked, though I knew I was in no position to bargain.

“Don’t make it hard on yourself,” and he flicked a spark between his fingers.

Fear threaded its way down my spine, but it didn’t over shadow my anger, they couldn’t take that away from me. I stood up and walked to the door and as I got close the man grabbed my arm, yanking it harshly before dragging me away, his grip firm and painful.

“You’re hurting me,” I protested, severely annoyed, but he didn’t respond. Only continued to drag me along with his iron grip.

This place looked the same as everywhere else. Bloody metal floors and such. But I noted that there were other cell doors in the large hallway. My shoes squeaked on the floor and I realised, despite all the sleep I’d had, how truly exhausted I was. My body hurt. Every muscle burning. I got used to the pain after we’d walked for a bit, but a sharp tug from the man or an occasional step would make me hiss in agony. My head hurt too, but not nearly as much as it did. I was slowly recovering from the shocks.

Though I think I knew where I was headed now.

My limbs were shaky when they pushed me through some double doors. Really? If they’re going to have an important room, they really need to not make it so obvious with double doors. The room was square, same old boring, bright aesthetic that they’d clearly taken an obsession with.

But in the middle of the room, standing defiantly, was the Doctor. There was yet another man with a blue uniform on, guarding the Doctor while they shocked her. Such sick bastards.

“Ah! You brought her!” The goatee’d leader looked my way and I felt no fear in that moment, only anger.

He was facing the Doctor but was standing about fourteen feet away. Even from there I could see that he was taller than she was, but the Doctor had a stronger energy, almost like she was looking down on him despite her smaller stature. She met my eyes then and I watched as her shoulders dropped only slightly, worry present as she gazed at me. I smiled at her and tried to tell her that I’m stronger than she thinks. And even if I wasn’t, my death wouldn’t be in vain. I was ready.

The man holding onto my arm and let me go as he pushed me more into the room. The Doctor looked at me, holding my gaze a second before looking back towards the leader as he spoke.

“Don’t touch her,” he warned the Doctor.

She put her hands out either side of her. “Not planning on it.”

He eyed me warily. “And you, don’t touch your girlfriend else I’ll make sure I do kill you this time. _Disgusting._ ” He sneered, looking at me and then back to the Doctor. I felt a rush of hatred that shocked me with its sheer force. The Doctor’s jaw clenched. “Now, answer me, else I’ll hurt her.” He gestured to me before pulling the Doctor’s sonic out of his trouser pocket. “How do I reverse what you did, using this, on our machine?”

“I’ve already told you!” The Doctor threw her hands up, looking severely fed up. “You can’t!”

“You’re lying. Women are always great liars.”

And then shocks sparked from his fingers, crackling and spiking over the Doctor’s body. She winced and staggered slightly from the assault, it killed me not run over and punch him, but I held my ground because she otherwise showed no pain.

When he stopped, she straightened her shoulders, eyes hard. “You can do that all you like. It doesn’t bother me.”

“I don’t understand!” He shouted. “This should be enough to knock out any human! It almost killed your girlfriend!”

“Ah!” The Doctor stuck her finger up, a menacing glee on her face. “That’s your problem! I thought you would have figured it out by now. I’m not human.” The man’s eyes widened, and he took a step back. I smiled, loving this. “You’re messing with things that are beyond your understanding. I suggest you let me go and stop what you’re doing right now. I destroyed your machine, and I’m capable of destroying much more than that, believe me.” The Doctor’s husky tone of voice sent a shiver down my spine, whether from having chills or being aroused, I wasn’t sure. Maybe both. I bit my lip.

“I’ve got this,” he twiddled the sonic in between his fingers. “You’re powerless without it.”

Her smile was gleeful. “I built that from alien tech. You think I couldn’t make another?”

“Why haven’t you then?” His voice was mocking. “We don’t hurt you severely. What’s stopping you from coming over here and taking this from me or making another? Why did you allow yourself to be captured? Oh, that’s right!” He turned to look at me. “You care for her.” He put the sonic back into his pocket. The Doctor’s face hardened, her jaw clenched. “You may not get hurt, but she does. And I gave you a chance, you had plenty of time to answer my questions, but you didn’t… so now you get to watch your girlfriend die! Bring her to me, Logan.”

“Yes, Master Reed.”

The man who dragged me down the hall grabbed my arm once again, my limbs were shaking, fear taking over. He pushed me to Reed, who then pulled me in front of his body, holding a hand by my forehead.

“I will kill her.” His voice was hard, unemotional. “You’re disgusting do you know that? It’s vile.”

The Doctor looked stoic on the outside, but I knew her enough to see a shimmer of fear overlapped with anger in her eyes. She brushed off his homophobic comment. “I don’t care what you think. Now, what do you want to know? I’ve told you everything. I can’t undo the damage, what else do you want from me?”

“How did you find us and how did you know the storms were caused by our machine?” He pulled me tighter to him and I felt disgusted to be this close, skin crawling.

She pointed to his pocket. “That.”

“Come here and show me how to use it.”

As the Doctor walked closer to him, I felt his breath waver slightly. He was scared of her. I bit my tongue to not taunt him of how he was scared of a woman, which he clearly considered the inferior gender. With his free hand he pulled the sonic out of his pocket again. I saw it daintily resting in his hand from the corner of my eye.

“Don’t touch it!” He hissed, leaning away from the approaching Doctor. “You take it from me, she dies. Do you understand?”

“Precisely,” she walked closer, looking me straight in the eye. It was almost like she was urging me, the command in her eyes got me thinking and flustered at the same time. I cursed myself for letting myself get effected by that at a time like this.

“Stop there!” Reed shouted, his voice shaky.

She stopped about six feet away, her eyes still trained on mine, holding for a beat, willing, before she looked away. Then I realised what she wanted me to do. But I had to be so fast to pull this off, or I would get hurt. I trusted her, but I had to believe in myself.

I breathed hard, his hand still on my temples. I’d done this a million times in police training but barely had to use it on the job, and never while feeling this physically weak. But I had to do what I had to do. The Doctor was counting on me.

He turned the sonic shakily in his hand. “Well?”

And then it all happened so fast. I reached my elbow forward, the strongest point in the entire of the human body, and elbowed him as hard as I could in the stomach. He keeled over, grunting, but before he or any of his goons had time to react to what had happened, I yanked the sonic out of his hand, his fingers gripping it feebly before it slipped from his grasp, and threw it at the Doctor. I watched it curve neatly though the air, the Doctor catching it in one hand with ease.

She pressed a button on the sonic, it buzzed, lighting up, and then everyone but me and her suddenly froze, falling on the floor with loud thumps. My breath and body were shaky, adrenaline coursing through my veins.

“Did you?” I asked, looking at Reed in disgust.

“Unconscious.”

She barely had time to put her sonic away before I threw myself in her arms. She wrapped them tightly around me, and I buried my face in her short blonde hair.

“You did great, Yaz! I’m proper impressed!”

I just squeezed her harder, shaking from the adrenaline. “How?” I muttered into her hair.

“I had a lot of time to think in that cell, Yaz.” She pulled away from the hug, one hand lingered gently on my arm. “Once I figured that they had microchips, the rest was easy, all you have to do is ask the sonic very nicely.”

“Why wasn’t he able to use it?”

“My sonic isn’t stupid, Yaz. It doesn’t just allow anyone to use it!”

I looked around the room, at all the unconscious people. “What do we do now, Doctor?”

“First,” she said, already scrambling down by Reed to drag him close to a door opposite to the one I came through. “We move mister in there,” she nodded to the door ahead. “I want to have a private word when he wakes up.”

I helped the Doctor by dragging his legs into the room after her. Her blonde hair fanned around her face when she stood up straight after dropping him on the floor. His office was lavish. The interior was dark, and his desk was large even though it didn’t have much on it. The Doctor walked around it, pushing his fancy leather desk chair out of the way with her small hands.

“What are you doing?” I hissed.

“Looking for something.” She said absently while rifling through a draw before shutting it. She tucked her hair behind her ear, exposing her ear cuff, before pulling at another one that didn’t budge; a whir from the sonic doing the trick. She pulled my phone out, grinning triumphantly, before handing it to me.

I looked at the date and time, being so confused after my time in the cell. “Three days?! It’s been three days? Wow. Urgh!” I suddenly realised. “I really need to shower and change my clothes.”

“Yeah, you spent a lot time sleeping,” the Doctor said, rummaging through some stuff on his desk with elegant fingers. “Come on,” she said, standing up straight and walking back into the other room with purposeful strides.

She pointed her sonic at his office door and I heard a thunk as it locked and then we stepped over bodies to get into the hallway. My phone was still in my hand and I debated calling Ryan or Graham. I was worried in case they were hiding somewhere but curiosity won out. I rang Graham, my last caller. Reed must have spoken to him when I went missing.

The phone rang as me and the Doctor walked down the hallway, past the other cells. The Doctor was pushing every door open, presumably checking for other prisoners.

“Yasmin!” Graham almost shouted down the phone and I jumped. “Are you okay? Me and Ryan have been worried sick! We thought you and the Doc might be hurt!”

“I’m fine, just about. Are you and Ryan okay?”

“So happy to hear your voice, cockle. Me and Ryan are back at the hotel. When the Doctor didn’t come back for us, we decided to leave, the Doc seemed worried enough as it was, and we didn’t want to make things more complicated by trying to find her,” I could hear Ryan in the background. “We’re so glad you’re okay. The storms have stopped! She did it! Speaking of, how’s the Doc?”

I looked at her, slightly ahead of me, staring, mouth agape, before running into the cell. “Hold on, Graham.” I said.

“Don’t come any closer, Yaz!” The Doctor shouted, her voice strained.

“I’ll call you back, okay?”

“No!” The Doctor shouted from inside the cell. “Tell them to come here and we’ll meet them at the entrance.”

“The Doctor wants you to meet us at the warehouse entrance,” I said, voice wary, taking a step closer to whatever was in the cell.

“On it,” he replied.

“I’ll see you in a sec, okay? Not sure what’s going on.”

“Roger that,” and then he ended the call. I stuffed my phone into my pocket.

“Doctor? What is it?” I took another step closer.

And then I heard a grunt of pain. It sounded like a woman was in there. I ran forward, careening around the corner and into the cell, stopping, shocked at the sight. There was a young woman, maybe my own age, shaking and barely conscious.

I covered my mouth to my hand. “Oh my god!”

The Doctor turned to face me, one hand on the woman’s wrist, her hair flicking wildly as she spun her head towards me. “Yaz,” her eyes were sad. “Her pulse is weak. I thought she might have been…”

The girl looked close to dying. How I must have looked a couple of days ago. “What happened to her?” I whispered.

She turned back to the girl. “What happened to you.”

I shook my limbs, wincing at the pain still present there. “But I’m okay.”

The Doctor turned to look at me again, her hand dropping from the girl’s wrist. “But you had help.”

“And now, so does she,” I took a step closer to the girl. “Come on, let’s get her out of here.”

“I’m going to go and lock the door to the room where the men are. I want to have a word with them all later,” her eyes were hard, power emanating from her entire body. It both thrilled and scared me at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed. I'm still writing this and have a few more chapters already written but university work has been kicking my ass too. :( Hopefully it's not long before I can finish this fic off, though I already have ideas for another Thasmin one, an AU. So I'm excited. :) And if it's wanted, a sequel to this too.


	9. Ready or Not

“Oh, my days!” Ryan gasped as the Doctor carried the girl out of the warehouse front doors. She was stronger than she looked.

“Doc, is she?” Graham’s blue eyes held immeasurable concern.

“She’s alive. Here,” she passed the girl to Ryan who accepted her awkwardly. “I’m going to get the TARDIS. You stay here,” the Doctor took off a run, her coat billowing behind her, blonde hair blowing.

I looked up at the blue sky. “Well, this is a welcome change,” I muttered. “I missed the sky.”

“What happened down there?” Graham asked me, voice uncertain. Maybe he didn’t really want to know.

“Ryan was right. Those men can shock, not magic though. Tech. The Doctor found and destroyed the weather machine, thinking it would stop their powers as well as the rain and it didn’t. I got shocked… bad. And it wasn’t the first time. When the Doctor found me, they had been trying to get information out of me. Anyway, we ended up in a cell, the Doctor was being shocked for information and when she wouldn’t come forward, they got me instead, to make her talk,” they nodded solemnly, tears pricking in Graham eyes. “I used my police training to hurt their leader while he had the sonic and threw it to the Doctor who stunned them all. Then we found her. It’s been rough,” Graham nodded, words escaping him. “But I…” I looked to the girl. “We… were lucky, we’ve got the Doctor.”

Ryan looked down at his load. The girl was really out of it. She was pretty though. Long light brown hair, tanned skin, and her face was young and soft. She reminded me of myself.

“Is the going to be okay?” Ryan asked, a frown crinkled his brow.

“I hope so,” I muttered.

And as we spoke, there was a wheezing, fading in and out. We turned to see the TARDIS materialising. I’d never been so happy to see its blue exterior. It fully materialised with a thud and the door creaked open straight away, The Doctor ushering everyone in.

“Quick, quick!” She said.

I walked in, feeling an immense relief and happiness, despite the situation, to be back home. The TARDIS glowed orange, warm and soft, little gurgles coming from the console. I felt like telling the ship that I had missed her, but I think that might have been a step too far.

Ryan walked in, moving fast, the Doctor ushering him through the console room and down a hall. Me and Graham lagged behind. Graham not having the speed and me still hurting from my ordeal. I was definitely not at the peak of health right now. I’d done well to ignore and fight through it. Fear and adrenaline being my best friends. But in the safety and comfort of the TARDIS, I realised how much I’d been beaten up.

“You okay, Yaz?” Graham asked.

“Just about. I had a rough time. Think I managed on adrenaline alone. Really feeling it now.”

Graham sighed. “I’m so sorry, Yaz. We should’ve tried to find you.”

“No, you shouldn’t. It was so awful, you could’ve got really hurt. I’ve never been so scared. The Doctor would’ve done everything so much faster if it wasn’t for me. She’s not bothered by the shocks, she could’ve just sorted everything straight away. It was me who slowed her down.”

“I’m sure she was glad of your help, you said that you got the sonic back for her.” Graham patted my arm gently as we walked down the hall, watching as the Doctor and Ryan rounded a corner.

“She could’ve got it back much quicker without me. It was her fear of me getting hurt that let us down,” I sighed, limping slightly.

“She cares about you.” It was a statement.

“And I care about her. A lot.”

“I know,” was all he said.

We rounded the corner as the Doctor rushed Ryan and the girl into a room. I’d rarely been into the sickbay before. It was clean, homely, in that lovely orange glow that the TARDIS had. In the corner, it had a console for god knows what. Maybe a scanner of some sort. Ryan lay the girl onto a soft bed and it seemed like she was already waking up. The Doctor glanced at her before walking over to me.

“You should feel better soon, Yaz,” she smiled, her hand briefly touching my arm.

“TARDIS?” I asked.

She nodded. “Sickbay heals bruises and wounds like yours in no time. Should help our friend too. She’s already waking up.”

“Are the men in the warehouse awake?” I asked, suddenly remembering.

“Probably, if not, soon. I’ll make sure this girl is okay and then I’m going back in. I have some lose ends that need to be dealt with.”

The tone in her voice and the glint in her eye when she was determined never ceased to amaze me. She went to move towards the girl whose eyes, laced with confusion and fear, were now open.

“I’m coming with you,” I said, voice strong. She met my gaze, her eyes softening, and nodded. 

She walked over to the girl, smiling gently. “I’m the Doctor, and these are my best friends,” she gestured to each of us in turn. “Ryan, Graham, and Yaz.”

The girl licked her dry lips and glanced warily around. “Where am I?”

“In my ship,” The Doctor said, when the girl looked panicked, she put her hands up. “Don’t worry! I’m not taking you anywhere or going to hurt you. You’re in my sickbay. You should feel right as rain soon enough.”

“I would ask how,” the girl started. “But after seeing what those men could do, I don’t want to know.”

“What’s your name?” The Doctor asked. “And how did you end up in there?”

“Emma. And my boyfriend. He was working in there, said he was just a warehouse worker, and then he started to reveal small things to me. I thought he was fucking crazy. Especially that they hid all that stuff under the warehouse. Then he started saying stuff like that the world was being ruined, and they had to purge it. It was just so mental. When I didn’t agree and told him that he was nuts, they hurt me and shoved me into that cell. I thought I was going to die.”

The Doctor looked grim, her mouth forming a distasteful grimace. “You guys stay here, I’m going to talk to our friends.”

“I’m still coming.” I said, voice strong. After what they’d done to me, I wanted to watch this.

“Me too!” Ryan said, putting his hand up and walking towards us.

Graham smiled softly. “I’ll stay with Emma.”

 “Good,” the Doctor nodded to him.

“See you soon, be safe,” he looked pointedly at Ryan before the Doctor ushered us out the room.

I watched as the Doctor’s coat flailed behind her, walking with purpose down the hall. I pondered that the happy, childish, and carefree Doctor that I’d come to know and love had been absent these past couple of days. It’d been hard on us all, and I wondered how long after all of this was said and done that she would bounce back to her happy self.

After we entered the warehouse, I felt more confident walking back through the halls knowing that the goons were powerless. The anxiety I had been carrying around with me was mostly gone, but a flicker remained, stirring deep inside. There was an easier way down into their hideout without using the trap door that I’d found, the same way Ryan and the Doctor got down when we first arrived. When we finally reached the hallway with the cells, the Doctor did one last glance in each one for good measure.

“Empty?” Ryan asked.

She nodded, walking back over to us. “Yep. Just Emma.”

I bit my lip as a determined Doctor used the sonic to unlock the double doors with a buzz. We could already hear voices inside before we pulled them open. The look of the men inside were of pure terror.

“What did you do to us?” Logan, the one who’d manhandled me, asked the Doctor, both angry and scared.

“Nothing you didn’t deserve,” I answered for her, glaring at him.

He shot daggers from his eyes right back at me but not daring to move as we walked through the room. Upon nearing Reed’s office, she stopped, turning to face them.

She pointed her sonic at the door to the hallway we just came through and locked it. “No one moves until I’ve spoken to your ‘leader’,” she unlocked Reed’s office, already pointing the sonic in his direction before it fully opened.

He made to make a run for it, Ryan about to grab him, before he realised that the sonic was trained on him. Fear shimmered in his eyes and the Doctor took a step closer.

“Sit down. I just want to talk but I will hurt you if you compromise mine or my friend’s safety,” he nodded, backing up and slumping onto his leather desk chair. It made him look smaller. “Now, why are you doing this?”

Me and Ryan followed the Doctor into the dark office, shutting the door behind us.

“Doing what?” Reed crossed his arms.

The Doctor’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t play stupid with me. It’s just annoying. What do you think you’re doing here? The storms you were creating? The microchipped shock abilities. I’m not stupid. This tech is Sontar technology that you’ve spent too much time messing with. I’ll ask you again. What are you trying to achieve?”

“To purge the country. Start here, show the world what I’m capable of, and then we slowly dominate,” he sneered, leaning back in his chair. Whether he was incredibly stupid or absolutely insane, I didn’t know.

“Purge of what?” The Doctor had a dangerous edge to her voice that sent tingles down my spine.

“People. The world’s gone mad. Feminism, supporting racial and gender rights,” his eyes raked over me and Ryan. “And especially supporting gay rights,” he looked back to me and then to the Doctor. “It’s disgusting. What has the world come to? It needs to be sorted.”

A hand rested on my chest, feeling a blow, wounded, that anyone could possibly think like this. Ryan looked mad, like he was struggling not to slap him. The Doctor remained calm. “And you think you’re the person to do that?”

“Well someone has to,” In that moment, I think it took all of our willpower to not scream at or attack him.

“And what were you going to do when the floods got bad enough to kill people? What about you and your,” she looked in revulsion at the door to the larger room. “Minions?”

“Watertight bunker. We have enough food and water down here to last a long time, if we need it. This is just the start of something greater. A trial run, as it were.”

I couldn’t believe that these people were willing to kill innocents and think that they would actually be able to succeed in flooding the county, and eventually the world, for a cause that was disgusting and unbelievable cruel and messed up. he must be absolutely crazy. There was no way that he was mentally stable.

“Why the microchips?” The Doctor’s sonic was still pointing at Reed, who’d become calmer since talking openly about his plan.

“The ones you destroyed,” he frowned at her. “No, matter. I have more. They were to defend our cause against people like you. People who wished to end our mission. As were the cells.”

“Didn’t work then did it, mate,” Ryan said, sneering at Reed, who at his comment, went to get up and hit him.

“How dare you talk to me!” He shouted but the Doctor put herself between them.

“You touch my friends, I’ll do more than break your microchips,” the Doctor threatened, voice deep and unwavering. “I can topple this building, remove all alien technology from your hands, lock you away so you never try something like this again,” Reed shifted uncertainly under her gaze. “You need to stop playing God, right now. You are ‘cleansing’ the country of what you deem to be unfit to live here, when the real problem is you. You’re unfit to life here. People of different cultures, different genders, sexual orientations, different races, and people who are all fighting for diversity and inclusion: those people belong here. Not you. You’re the disgrace. I’m giving you one chance only. Shut this place down, destroy all the tech, and I really mean all of it, and turn yourself into the police.”

“What are you going to do if I don’t?”

“A trip to the future and a visit to Stormcage might in order. It’s much worse than any prison here on Earth, you can trust me on that. The name gives away the perpetual storms that occur there. So, you’ll feel right at home.”

“Future? Stormcage?” Reed’s eyes narrowed, the cocky air about him dissipated. “Who are you?”

“I’m the Doctor,” she smiled at him without mirth. “I’m the protector of this planet. If you think you’re the first to try something like this then you’re so wrong.” I shivered, the Doctor’s commanding presence having an affect on me too.

Reed grimaced, and although he tried to hide it, fear was there. He went to speak, but Ryan cut him off. “I suggest you listen to the Doctor, mate.”

He crossed his arms, scowling, and had nothing to say.

The Doctor turned around, coat billowing, and opened to door to the main room, striding in, me and Ryan were right behind her as she commanded the room to listen to her. They obeyed wordlessly and without question. She put her hands on her hips.

“Your leader in there,” she sneered at the word. “Is messing with things he has no right to. I’m going to foresee the destruction of all the tech in this building, I’m going to shut this place down, get my ship to track for traces of the tech you’re so fond of, so I will know if you hide anything and try to meddle again… and if anyone refuses to comply, I have a prison waiting for you.”

They shifted from foot to foot, looking nervously to each other. It was shocking to see the change in their demeanour.

“We found the tech,” one of them piped up. “Well, Reed found it in a junkyard, and we built stuff from there. We don’t even know what it is or where it came from.”

“You got lucky,” the Doctor sighed. “You stumbled upon leftover tech from the planet Sontar. Home to a warrior race. You better hope no more alien tech falls into your manipulative hands, else you’ll have me to answer to.”

The man who first shocked me in the weather machine room, the one who was supposed to kill me but didn’t, spoke. “I’m sorry!” He looked pleadingly at me, his morale crumbling. “I didn’t mean to kill you when Reed gave the order, so I’m glad you made it. I don’t want any more part in this, I swear. Reed’s lost the plot.”

Suddenly, there was a roar, as Reed, screaming hoarsely, ran out of his office. “Traitors! I’ll finish the job then, shall I?” He shouted, pointing both of his hands directly at me, sparks shot, white and hot, from his fingers.

Searing pain, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, like I was being shocked ten times at once, seared through my every muscle, my every bone, my entire being. Racing along every nerve ending, my entire body was shuddering with every stabbing jolt. I knew this was his last revenge. Kill me, like the Doctor killed his master plans. I made eye contact with devastated hazel eyes, hearing Ryan shout my name to my left before Reed finally got what he wanted.


	10. I Ain't Movin'

Crying. I heard crying. There were voices also. Lots of them. Footsteps, fading in and out. There were soft whispers too. And occasionally I was touched. On the hand. The face. My hair.

Whirring. Blubbing. Gurgling. I could hear those noises most often.

A rush of affection filled my heart. The TARDIS. I swear she hummed at me affectionately like she could hear my thoughts. I opened my eyes, the soft glow of the lights comforted me greatly. I smiled, stretching, wincing slightly at the pain in my body, before being confused. This wasn’t my bedroom. It was the sickbay.

And then it slowly trickled back, memory by memory. I was really getting sick of being knocked out. Then I remembered Reed. Wondering simultaneously what had happened to him and why wasn’t I dead.

“Yaz?” Ryan stood warily at the doorway, a girl behind him, Emma.

“Hey,” I smiled gently. “Catch me up on what happened?”

His face faltered, his smile dropping. “It wasn’t good, Yaz.” He walked into the room and sat on the bed that Emma once occupied, she followed suit, sitting beside him.

My heart banged in my chest. “What happened?”

“It was the Doctor, Yaz. You see, when you got shocked, your heart… it was so faint,” his eyes shimmered slightly, and I glanced down at my bedsheets, playing with the fabric, as to not embarrass him. My heart warmed. “Reed took the opportunity while she was distracted to run away,” Ryan gulped. Butterflies swam in my stomach. _Please just say it, whatever it is._ “The Doctor chased him, though he didn’t get far, and used her sonic to disable the microchip and knock him out again. Only, he didn’t go unconscious,” he rubbed a hand behind his neck, sighing. Emma patted his arm, though I don’t think she knew the true gravity of what Ryan was about to say. I braced myself. “He died, Yaz. The Doc was so angry that I don’t think she realised. She didn’t mean it. She beat herself up so bad over it, I’ve never seen her so upset and well… not the Doctor. Anyway, we got you back here, the TARDIS saved your life,” he sniffed, a tear silently trailing down his cheek. Its twin dripped down mine. “The Doctor destroyed the tech, locked the building down, and let the rest go. Reed had been building more weather machines and he had spare microchips in his office. The Doctor was kicking herself that she didn’t think about the possibility of-“

“She can’t think of everything,” I said, heart aching for her.

“We tried to tell her that.”

“Where is she?” I asked, going to get up but Ryan’s steady hand held my shoulder and pushed me back down.

“You’ve been in here a few days, the Doctor, well she doesn’t want to see anyone right now.” Not even me?

“I need to see her,” I said, I had my police ‘no nonsense’ voice on, sitting up and putting my feet on the floor. “Where is she?”

Ryan looked like he was going to push me back down but didn’t.

“We don’t know,” Emma looked at me, and I suddenly realised that she was better, much better.

“You look good,” I commented to her, offering a weak smile, also realising how good I felt in such a short space of time, given what had happened to me.

“Yeah, this is the best I’ve felt in a long time. I want to thank the Doctor for all her help. I owe her a lot.”

I gulped. “So do I.”

“She saved our lives,” Emma said softly.

“It’s not the first time,” God, I owe her so much. I needed to help her, how she had helped me. She would never admit it, but she needs friends right now. “I’m going to have a wash.” I said, feeling dirty and gross. 

I stood up, ignoring Ryan and Emma’s wary stares as I walked, albeit wobbily, out of the room. I still hurt. I was sick of hurting. I was sick of feeling like shit. I was sick of not seeing the Doctor’s excited escapades, her never-ending explanations and her excitement to just be. I missed that side of her. I missed her.

I walked to my bedroom. Everything looked untouched, exactly as I left it that night. _Harry Potter_ was still missing from my bookshelf. I remembered how excited the Doctor was when I gave them to her. How I longed for that now. I gathered some clean clothes before entering my en suite (thank you, TARDIS) to shower.

It felt so good to wash all the crap away. All the shit from the past few days. But I knew our journey was far from over. The TARDIS was, every now and then, swaying to and fro, we must have left Edinburgh. I looked down at my skin, noticing, in the light brown tone, scars. Only slight, but they were there. They looked quite cool; like there was lightening in my body, which I suppose there was.

I thought of Emma, who’d gone through the same thing, and my heart reached out to her. If I hadn’t been so worried about the Doctor, I might’ve talked to her properly. I was so very glad that Graham and Ryan didn’t get hurt. And the Doctor. Although, despite her physical and mental superiority over humans, it didn’t stop her feeling all the same.

I got out the shower, drying myself off, muscles slightly aching, soothed by the warm water. I pulled some joggers on along with a plain t-shirt and even made an effort to brush my teeth and hair. I felt much better. You take small things like hygiene for granted until it’s not there anymore.

I left my bedroom, pulling my dark hair into a ponytail, and walking to where I felt so comfortable walking to: the control room. It was empty, and it was weird and sad to see it so lonely. I sighed, turning around and going back down the hall and towards the kitchen, which was also empty. I finally found the living room to be full, with everyone but the Doctor.

“Yaz!” Graham’s pale eyes lit up, making me smile.

He was slouched on an arm chair, angled towards the sofa that sat in front of a TV and a coffee table. Ryan was playing a console game, looked like _Call of Duty_. And Emma was sitting on the other end of the sofa, watching quietly. It didn’t feel right without the Doctor.

“Come in, Yaz,” Emma smiled, patting the space in between her and Ryan. I smiled, sitting down.

“Any word?” Graham asked, looking to Ryan who was only half paying attention to his game, fingers pressing buttons on the pad lazily. He shook his head. Graham looked to me. “You alright? You gave us a right scare. I’ve never seen the Doc so worried. It frightened all of us.”

“I feel… okay,” the TARDIS can’t fix broken emotions. “I just feel like this was all my fault. I made this job so hard for her. And I’ve now caused her pain because of what she did to Reed. I just…” I felt utterly useless, I turned my face away from Graham, tears stinging in my eyes.

“You can’t blame yourself, Yaz,” he replied softly.

But I do.

I really do.

A part of me felt like going back to Sheffield.

A soft hand touched my arm. It was Emma. Her eyes soft. “You really care for her.”

I nodded, biting my lip as a hot tear squeezed its way out my eye and ran down my cheek.

“Maybe she really cares for you too, and that’s why she did what she did. You can’t apologise for that.”

I heard the truth in Emma’s words, but doubt and guilt plagued my mind. Hungry, ravenous, it ate up all my hope, leaving no room for positive thoughts. I thanked her all the same, and she smiled at me.

I stayed there, wedged in between Ryan and Emma for a while, feeling, as much I could, at home. Graham’s occasional muttering as he read _The Hound of the Baskervilles_ , Ryan’s tapping on his console pad, and Emma’s occasional conversation with me created a safe atmosphere that calmed my aching soul.

Ryan had been killed on his game, throwing his arms up and moaning. Emma laughed and Graham looked up from his novel.

“One day, son. You’ll be good at that,” Graham’s face held a mocking expression along with his tone of voice.

Ryan was about to give a snarky remark until the door opened. We all turned our heads in unison to see the Doctor looking sheepishly into the room, face impassive, eyes sad.

“Doctor!” I said, almost at the same time as Ryan and Graham.

She caught my gaze, and I swear, her mouth twitched up at the corners and her eyes glittered, staring into mine for a second until she softly waved at everyone else in the room, her face resuming its impassive expression.

“Can I join you?” She asked, voice soft.

“Well that’s a stupid question isn’t it, Doc?” Graham smiled.

There was no room on the three-seater sofa, so she surprised me when she sat down in front of my legs, leaning back on them, her own legs lazily out in front of her. No one said anything. None of us really knowing what to say, but the feel of the Doctor, warm against my legs, set a fire inside of me that warmed me more than anything else ever could.

We watched Ryan play his game, with me not really paying much attention. The Doctor was staring down into her lap, fiddling with something I couldn’t see. I ran my fingers through her silky blonde strands, the hairs parting easily, caressing my skin as it slid over it. She lifted her head, looking towards the television, the only indication that she knew I was touching her at all.

I continued to run my fingers through it, gently, little bits at a time. It soothed me more than I cared to admit. I looked to my left, where Emma sat smiling at me.

“What?” I whispered as I twisted some strands of her hair around my finger before letting go and watching them rapidly unfurl.

“It’s cute,” she replied quietly.

I shrugged, smiling, twisting more hair around my finger before the Doctor moved herself sideways a little, resting her cheek on my knee. I wanted to die of adorableness and pride. Pride that she wanted to be with me, and that she was letting me comfort her in this way. I continued to run my fingers through her soft hair, watching as the strands fell back into place.

“Oi,” the Doctor lifted her head off my knee, glaring accusingly at Ryan. “Why have you stopped playing?”

Ryan shook his head, smiling, and Graham gave me a knowing look and grinned before going back into his book. The Doctor resumed resting her face on me as Ryan’s character started fighting once again and I blushed furiously, feeling embarrassed.

“I thought you didn’t like fighting games, Doctor,” Ryan said.

I felt her cheek against my knee as she spoke. “I don’t really. But it’s not real.”

I took my hand away from the Doctor, suddenly feeling really self-conscious and awkward after everyone thought it was appropriate to have an opinion on me playing with her hair.

“Hey,” the Doctor lifted her head off my knee and turned to face me, eyes, face, and voice so, so soft and gentle. “Why’d you stop?”

When I didn’t answer, she reached for my hand, holding it gently in her own, before turning back to the television. She cupped my hand to her cheek, resting her head back onto my knee, her hand holding mine to her face. I could feel as everyone in the room, each in turn, glanced at us. God knows what they were thinking, but the feel of her hot skin against my palm and on the back of my hand was stoking a fire inside of me that warmed me more than words can say.

After about fifteen minutes, she still hadn’t let go. And it was only when Graham got up to get a cup of tea that we realised she’d fallen asleep. Wordlessly, our hearts all went out to her.

“Here,” Ryan said, getting up from his position on the sofa. I looked up to him and smiled, softly.

“Thanks. Help me get her up will ya?” I slid my hand carefully out of her grasp before Ryan put his hands under her arms and pulled her gently onto his vacant space on the sofa. Her head lolled before falling against the back cushion.

I shuffled slightly closer to her, a movement not unseen, and I fought not to snuggle against her. I’d rarely ever seen her sleep, and she looked so beautiful. Eyelids soft and pale, lips, slightly parted, were pink and full.

I tore my eyes away from her when Graham walked in, cuppa in hand, passing one to Emma, who asked if we wanted to watch a film. Funnily, Ryan put on _WALL-E_ , before sitting on the floor, legs crossed.

“Wanna sit ‘ere, son?” Graham asked.

Ryan shook his head. “Nah, I’m okay,” he seemed rather settled on the floor.

“Gentleman,” Emma smiled and Ryan held back a smirk, looking embarrassed.

The film had us all in stitches. WALL-E reminded us all of the Doctor. Cheery, happy, adorable and just a plank dork. When he started hoarding his “treasures” we all laughed and started contemplating how much stuff the Doctor had hidden in the TARDIS that was probably pure rubbish. The laughter disturbed her, and she rolled over, facing me, her head in an awkward position. I gently pulled her down, so her head rested in my lap, and she instinctively put her feet up onto the sofa, nuzzling softly into my legs. My heart was swelling. It felt like it was going to burst. I was sure that they all had thoughts about our position, but I was grateful when they didn’t say anything.

When WALL-E was announced to be the last robot of his kind on Earth, that hit home. Remembering what the Doctor told me during that night in the cell. I stroked her face before running my hand through her hair again. I really liked doing that. It felt so nice on my fingers.

At the end, when EVE was upset over WALL-E losing his memory, I thought about the Doctor. What if one day, after years and years of travel, she came back to Earth. And I was old and frail by then. But what if she didn’t remember me? I felt tears prickling in my eyes. Then EVE kissed WALL-E and his memories came back. I loved the movie, but it stirred emotions within me that I didn’t like. I didn’t want to confront the idea that one day, I might not be here, with this gorgeous, special, hopeful, literally one-of-a-kind, Time Lord. This enigma to us all. And what a beautiful enigma she would always be.


	11. Scattered Black and Whites

In the end, the Doctor slept so long that I carefully slipped out from underneath her and left her on the sofa, opting to go back to the sickbay with Emma, as I will still hurting, though I don’t think it was at all to do with my body. Surely, the TARDIS had healed that by now? But here I was, sat on one of the crisp, clean beds, waiting for the TARDIS to do its magic on my mind. But I didn’t think it worked like that.

“I’ve been through a lot.” I looked up and met Emma’s brown eyes. “We’ve been through a lot.”

She nodded. “You have them too.” She gestured to my arms.

I pushed my sleeves up higher and looked down, being reminded of my slight scars. Barely visible except in the bright lights of the TARDIS sickbay. I traced one with my finger, wincing, not with pain but with the knowledge that these would forever be a reminder of what I had endured.

“You don’t like them?” Emma’s wasn’t as bad as mine, but they were there.

“I don’t know how to feel about them.” I suddenly felt self-conscious and pulled my sleeves down, covering them back up.

“It was bad,” her eyes were wary and sad as they found mine. “When they came back with you. I heard raised voices and crying before anyone even came in here. And then Ryan pushed open the door, and the Doctor was holding you. She was crying. She doesn’t seem like the type of person to cry. But she was, she started sobbing when your heart picked up its proper rhythm. And she just lay on you, holding your hand. Graham and Ryan didn’t know what to do, they just stood off to the side, crying, and waiting for her to move. But she didn’t. Not for a while.”

My heartbeat picked up, and I felt powerful and grateful that it was beating now at all. I also felt so warmed and pained at the same time when hearing of the Doctor’s reaction. Emma continued talking, oblivious to my quiet thoughts.

“I was still in here recovering, quickly thanks to this room.” She smiled, looking around it, as if thanking it for existing, before turning back to me. “Every time I looked over to you, she was there. Sometimes I could hear her whispering things to you. Just talking about all sorts of random things. It calmed me even though it was meant for you. You’re lucky, Yaz. She loves you so much. Once you got better, she left and didn’t return for a while. Not until today. Not until you woke up, and she found her way to you. I think it’s beautiful.” She smiled. “That you clearly love each other so much.”

“I do love her.” My heart ached, meaning every word as I said it.

“Why?” Emma asked, her face not giving away her intentions behind the question.

I was slightly confused but answered it anyway. “I just… it’s just that she’s so happy, so in love with life, despite everything. I think that sort of simple happiness needs to be spread around the world, along with her love and respect for all life. She’s just so powerful… so strong and so, so brave. I admire her so much. She makes me feel like she’s the brightest force in the universe, and that I’m shining bright alongside her, that she encourages a fire within me, rather than dimming it with her own fierce brightness. It’s like she’s lit my small fire with her own big one. She’s given me the chance to shine, and knows exactly what I need to hear, and when I need to hear it. She’s given me the chance to be who I want to be, and I owe her the world for that. In short, she’s so beautiful and humbly spreads that beauty wherever she goes, asking for nothing in return.”

“Are you _in_ love with her?” Emma asked, face serious, eyes waiting.

“What? Of course not! It’s not like that.” I felt a blush to my face.

“It looks like that sometimes, I mean earlier…”

“I was just offering her physical comfort. It wasn’t like that, we’re not like that.”

“Do you want to be?”

I opened my mouth, but no words came out, not knowing what to say. “No! I mean, I’ve had some feelings that have probably crossed a line, but no. The Doctor doesn’t fall in love with humans.”

Emma looked shocked. “I didn’t know she wasn’t human. But I guess a part of me always knew. I mean how many women call themselves the ‘Doctor’ and own a space ship?” She laughed, and I found myself smiling along with her. “Do you feel like she treats you as inferior?”

I shook my head. “She makes me feel like an equal. I’ve had more compassion, respect, and understanding from her than I’ve ever received from any human.”

“Then what makes you think she won’t love you as an equal too?”

“I messed everything up. I’m the reason she killed Reed.” I winced at my own words. “I’m the reason that I almost died. It’s all my fault. I hurt myself and I hurt the Doctor.”

“You didn’t-“

I cut her off, putting my hand up. “I did.” My tone offered no arguments and I changed the subject. “Are you not shocked by all this? Aliens, spaceships?”

She thought about it for a moment. “My boyfriend almost had me killed after I declined a completely insane cause for world domination. I don’t think anything can shock me anymore. I have nightmares all the time though. I loved him. I really did. But now I feel like I didn’t know him at all. The Doctor sent them away, after she’d destroyed everything and shut the warehouse down, and apparently Ryan told me that someone was asking about me. I assume it was him. How can he even care? How can he think for a moment that I can ever forgive him for the fear and the scars,” she raised her arm. “That he’s given me for the rest of my life?” Her eyes were shimmering in the gentle light.

The pity I felt in light of her open grief surprised me. “I’m sorry.” Was all I could think to say, feeling pathetic. “I’m so sorry.”

She shrugged. “Make something positive out of this horrific experience and talk to the Doctor. There might be a chance that-“

“I don’t think so.” I sighed, hurting even at my own words. Did I want something more? Am I in love with her? I shook my head feeling so confused and disoriented.

Emma looked saddened but offered me a gentle smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Let’s go and see if she’s awake.”

I nodded, noting that the TARDIS didn’t help. My mind just felt worse; jumbled and confused. I expected it, really. It can’t fix minds, just bodies.

We walked silently down the hallway, back to the living room, the TARDIS still swaying slightly. I opened the living room door and Graham was still stuck in his book, he’d been switching between that and a crossword for the past few hours, and Ryan was back on his game, sitting next to the still sleeping Doctor.

“I’m going to take her to bed.” I announced.

Graham looked up over his glasses, and nodded to me, smiling softly. And Ryan grunted, too absorbed in his game to offer me a proper response. I walked over to where she was still lying on the sofa, now stretched out and taking up two seats. I shook her shoulder slightly.

“Doctor.” I said softly but firmly, trying to rouse her.

I shook her a little more firmly and said her name louder before she roused, rubbing her eyes and sitting up, yawning. I had to stop myself from commenting how cute she looked in that moment, short blonde hair fluffy and framing a pouting face, she was clearly not happy to be woken.

“For someone who doesn’t sleep much, Doctor, you can put away the hours when you want to. Want to go to bed?” I bit my lip, realising how that sounded, and I swear I heard Emma choke on a small laugh. The Doctor didn’t seem to notice my word choice as I blushed, hard.

“I could sleep more, yeah.” She muttered, seeming awake and miles away from sleep now she was sitting up. “See you in a bit, gang.” She stood up and walked briskly out of the room.

I pulled a confused face at Emma, wondering why the Doctor had had such a sudden departure. She pulled a face as if to say: ‘go after her’, so I did. As I rounded the corner and exited the room, I heard Graham wish both me and the Doctor sweet dreams, my cheeks flaming. I watched as the Doctor’s coat fanned out as she turned a corner in the hall and ran after her, feeling the best I had in days, physically at least. Inside my gut was churning, nerves taking a hold on me.

“Doctor!” I said, catching up to her though she kept on walking briskly away. I jogged a few steps, closing the distance between us, slipping my hand into hers to stop her from getting away. Her palm was soft, skin so very warm. “Doctor, what’s wrong?”

She didn’t speak, only silently walked the halls, my hand in hers. She reached her bedroom, recognising the door from the seldom few times I’d seen it, and pulled us through, shutting it behind her. Her room was scattered with books, so many, piled high, and other odds and ends, some of which I didn’t recognise. A massive bed stood in the corner, and on the ceiling, there were stars, literal, real stars and they twinkled softly.  I would have gawked if it wasn’t for the Doctor, standing there, still gripping my hand, but facing away from me.

“Please talk to me.” I quietly pleaded.

Wordlessly, using my hand, she pulled me to her, wrapping her arms around me. My head was shoved into her neck, her short hair softly caressing my face. Her smell was so familiar and comforting that it made me stomach clench with the force of it. I could feel her hearts racing. Her arms were strong and pressed me to her soft chest. Everywhere she touched me, it was like she had set me on fire. I snuggled into her, my speech muffled into her neck.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

She nodded, hair tickling my face as she did, sending little bursts of smell towards me. I wanted to be closer to her, so I slid my arms from around her to slide them back under her coat. She was so hot, I could feel her warm skin under her thin clothes. I bit my lip to not run my fingers over the muscles in her back. When I held her like this, her body felt so small, belying her true physical strength. We stood there, embracing.

“Do you want to talk?” I asked again before nuzzling into her neck, the heat of her skin warming my face and the scent of her warming my insides.

“Soon.” Her voice, so unique, so _her_ , sent a thrill down my spine as I felt it in her neck.

I thought about Emma’s earlier words and analysed what this might mean. She had troubled me with thoughts that were confusing and complicated. This was just the Doctor needing comfort, and I happened to be the person that came after her. There was no sense complicating it more than that, despite the sense of need and longing that flared inside of me when we were close like this.

She pulled away, and I missed the contact almost immediately, but she took my hand instead and led me to her bed. My heart was hammering in my chest, thoughts of the Doctor naked and hot on that very bed shocked me, and I scolded myself severely. I was angry at myself and angry at Emma for putting such thoughts into my head. _What was I thinking?!_

She sat me down on the edge, herself following suit, and I gulped. Her hand still held mine closely and she looked down at our intertwined hands before she spoke. “I thought I lost you.”

“But you didn’t.” I replied softly, trying to quell my racing heart. For a fleeting, crazy moment, I thought we were going to do something else on this bed. I mentally slapped myself again.

“I could have. It was my fault for being so careless. I should have-“

“None of that.” I interrupted. “It was me, Doctor.” She looked up, hazel eyes the saddest I’d ever seen, her face questioning. “If I hadn’t of been there, you could’ve been in and out, job done. I compromised you, hurt myself and hurt you all at once. It was my fault.” I repeated, hearing the truth in my own words.

“It was never your fault, Yasmin Khan. I put you in danger, I didn’t pick up on things that I should have. I made mistakes. Three times. The first time was letting you and Graham separate from me and Ryan – the first mistake that got you hurt. The second was thinking that destroying the machine would stop the men from shooting sparks – the second mistake which got you hurt. And the third,” she winced, closing her eyes, my heart breaking, as she opened them, agony in their depths.” The third was when I didn’t suspect Reed to have extra microchips in his office – and that one,” she looked away from me, sighing. “almost killed you.”

“And all of those times, I was in charge of myself, I chose to be there, and if I wasn’t there, you wouldn’t have had to think about any of those things.”

“But you _were_ there!” She raised her voice, dropping her head. This side of the Doctor shocking me. I’d had glimpses of it in the cell, but I’d never seen her like this. And I never hoped to again.

“Doctor,” I pleaded, gently lifting her chin with my hand, guiding her eyes to mine. I met her hazel orbs with love and determination. “I want to thank you. I want to thank you for saving my life, for showing me how to be in a world where I’m oppressed, for showing me how to respect life, for how to find happiness and wonder in all the small things. I want to thank you so much for sharing with me your light, for letting me bask in the glory of it. But most of all I want to thank you for giving me a light of my own.” Her eyes shimmered in the dim light of her room. I’d never seen the Doctor cry before, so the sight of the tear that ran down her gorgeous face was a sight that tore at my insides. With the hand that was still cupping her chin, I wiped it away with my thumb. “Please don’t cry.” I whispered, the weight of our feelings was heavy, bearing down on both of us.

“Thank you, Yasmin Khan.” Her voice was soft and hoarse at the same time. She took my hand that was still resting on her face and held it within both of her own. “It’s been a tough week, eh?” She said, giving me a soft smile.

I sighed, running my free hand through my hair, as her touch warmed me wholly. “And I’ve got scars to remember it by.” I pulled my sleeve up exposing the very faint scars in the dim light.

The Doctor leaned closer, running her eyes over my exposed arm. “Oh, Yaz. I’m so sorry.” But then she smiled softly. “They look cool though, don’t they?”

I smiled, big and broad, ecstatic to catch a glimmer of my Doctor. “They look like faint tattoos.”

She traced her finger along one, her touch giving me goose bumps and causing my breathing to spike, stomach fluttering. She looked up at me, into my eyes, as if she was searching for something and she found it. She moved her hand from my arm, wordlessly, still staring. This only made me feel nervous, and ashamed, like she’d caught me enjoying her touch in a way that I wasn’t supposed to.

I waited for her to speak, and when she didn’t, when she only stared at me like she was seeing me for the first time, I spoke instead; breaking the silence. “What’s going to happen now?” I wasn’t sure if I meant where we were going to travel to, or what was going to happen to us all emotionally. 

She took it as the former, blinking and shaking her head, a waver in her voice. “Erm, I think we’ll ask the others and decide where to go from there.” She was uncharacteristically nervous, she usually takes charge on where we go. We liked it that way. She was the expert of the entire universe, or so it seemed to us.

I nodded, though, not speaking my thoughts. “Yeah, okay.” I offered her a smile. “You've been through a lot.” A hint. A hint to her that I knew she was suffering. 

“Haven’t we all?” She made brief eye contact with me, the hand that was still holding mine was shaking ever so slightly. I frowned, wondering why she was so unlike her usual, confident self, even in the face of all that's happened.

When no explanation was forthcoming about her sudden nerves, I took matters into my own hands. I lay back on her bed, tugging her with me. When she lay next to me, I could hear her rapid breathing from a mile off.

I pointed to the stars. “Look, Doctor.” They twinkled so softy, it was like the whole of the night sky was plastered onto the roof of her room. “How did you do that?” I hoped to divert her thoughts from whatever was plaguing her mind.

“TARDIS.” She smiled, though it was shaky.

I decided I was going to need more to distract her from her emotions. I sat up and reached for one of the many books which balanced in piles next to her bed, and then I saw it. My _Harry Potter_ collection.

I pointed to it. “Finished the books I gave you then?” I smiled at her, looking down as she still lay on her bed.

She made no move to sit up. “Oh yeah! Was rather pleased that Harry turned our good in the end. I thought he was going to have a sudden change of heart, but he stayed true. I liked it, though I wish it were longer. I’m out of books again.”

I looked around the book-laden room. “You are not out of books.” I smiled.

 “Out of _new_ books then.”

I picked a book up off the top of a pile. There were circles all over the cover, something I didn’t recognise. “What’s this?” I handed it to her.

She sat up, taking the heavy hard back from me and scanning her eyes over the cover. “That’s a Gallireyan fairy-tale book. It’s one of my favourites.” She looked at the book fondly, smiling.

“Read it to me?” I asked, gently.

She looked up, hazel eyes soft and alluring in the way they looked at me. It sent a tingle between my legs. I scolded myself for imagining such stupid things. “You want me to translate it?”

I nodded. “Or you can read it in your own language if you want.” _Please_. I silently begged.

She smiled, nerves still there but less so, and crossed her legs, the book in her lap. She opened the cover, turned a few pages, glancing at me for a second before she started. The language was musical and beautiful. Sounds and noises that glided over her tongue and sang as they left her lips. I felt a thrill shoot through me. I couldn’t even dream of trying to emulate her. It sounded ancient and new at the same time, and I felt in awe and thoroughly immersed in a language that I didn’t understand.

Enthralled by her, I lay back down, watching the stars shimmer above her as she spoke her musical language. I reached out, feeling an overwhelming need to just touch her, and fiddled with a loose part of her shirt where it was tucked into her trousers. She must have felt the small touch, for her speech slowed and quietened for a second before picking back up.

I listened for a long time, fingering the shirt at her waist, and closing my eyes. When the Doctor stopped, I opened them to find her looking down at me, her own hazel gaze was dark from down here.

“It’s beautiful.” I gushed. “I’ve never heard something so musical and sweet in my life.”

The Doctor smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. I wondered what was wrong, it could still be the Reed business, and as much as I didn’t want to push her, I wanted answers. I was worried. 

“Come on,” she said, pushing the book off her lap and making to get up. “Let’s get back to the others.”

I pulled her back by the small grip I had on her shirt. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“We already have, haven’t we?” Her voice was innocent but there was something behind her eyes.

“Is there something else? Have _I_ done anything?”

“No, of course not.” She smiled, but it was weak.

I stared at her, willing. When she didn’t respond, I relented. “Okay.”

She nodded. “Let’s go then.”

I watched her stand up, her long coat swaying behind her, before walking out of the room and holding the door open for me. We walked beside each other, not speaking. I brushed my hand against hers, and when she didn’t grab it, I held hers instead, lacing our fingers together. She gave me a shy smile, looking out from under her eye lashes, and I gave her a huge one back, happy that she was okay.

That we were okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!  
> It's my birthday next week and I'm super excited because I'm going to see Jodie as the Thirteenth Doctor wax work.  
> I'm well chuffed since it's the closest I'm gonna get to ever meeting her (lol), though I am hoping to go and see some of the filming for series 12 if the opportunity ever presents itself since I live in the UK.   
> Here's hoping!


	12. Beneath the Rose

When we got back to the living room, the Doctor pushing the door open quietly, Ryan and Emma were sitting suggestively close on the sofa. I caught Emma’s eye and raised my eyebrow. She smiled, and then gestured her eyes to mine and the Doctor’s laced fingers, returning the facial expression. I almost laughed until Ryan shot me daggers, willing me to make a joke.

“Where’s Graham?” I asked, trying to change the subject. His armchair sat empty.

“Bed.” Ryan muttered, yawning.

Must be bedtime on the TARDIS. Since we didn’t have much time to go by, we didn’t really sleep at certain times, but we more or less had a normal schedule, with us all sleeping at the same times. Only problem was that I wasn’t tired. I’d spent too much time sleeping lately.

“Come on, Doctor.” I said, tugging her hand. “They want their privacy.”

“Are you sure you don’t want yours?” Ryan said, raising his eyebrow.

I blushed, swearing, dragging the Doctor with me as I stormed off. She followed me, stunned and dazed. "I thought we were going to travel..." she muttered. I laughed at her face and she responded with a brilliant smile.

“I’ve missed that.” I said.

She cocked her head. “What?”

“You.”

“But I haven’t gone anywhere.” Her voice was low.

“I mean the happy side. The cute, bubbly, and beautiful side. Well, I mean you’re always beautiful but you’re especially so when you’re happy and excited. It’s the most gorgeous thing in the world…” I blushed furiously realising what I said out loud, glancing warily back at the Doctor who was now staring at me with mixed emotions.

“I’m still here.” She said quietly, squeezing my hand.

“And I thank God every day that you are.”

“Aren’t you ready for bed? Everyone else is. No travelling tonight.” She asked, feet tapping on the hard floors of the TARDIS as she walked.

“No, don’t you think I’ve been knocked out enough?” I half-joked.

I heard her intake a breath. “I’m so sorry. I-“

I turned, using my free hand to cover her lips with two fingers. “Stop. Please.” She nodded gently, eyes sparkling. “It’s over. We’re okay.” I removed my hand.

Despite the conflicting emotions the Doctor was clearly feeling, she was always the optimist. “Sometimes, Yaz. Bad things happen. Actually, they happen a lot. Lately, lots of bad things have happened. But Graham is okay. Ryan is okay. Emma is okay. And you,” she squeezed my hand. “Are okay too.”

“I am very much okay.” I smiled, her hand warming my entire body. “What do you want to do since everyone else is tired?” I asked, smiling.

She jumped in the air. “Ball pit!” I wasn't expecting that.

“What?” My eyebrow shot up. She took my hand, taking off at a run that I could barely keep up with. “You have a ball pit on the TARDIS? Honestly?”

“I can have whatever I want on this TARDIS, Yaz. And right now, I want a ball pit.”

I laughed as she dragged me along with her, almost stumbling over my own feet, wondering where this sudden burst of energy had come from, given her nerves less than ten minutes ago.

Though, I wasn’t complaining.

~

It was massive. It wasn’t just a ball pit, it was an entire indoor soft play area. It was like I was a kid again. The only difference between this and the ones I visited as a child were the fact that this was framed by the beautiful TARDIS walls, it was clean and there were no children.

“Honestly you and your ship never cease to amaze me, I feel like going to wake up Ryan, Graham and Emma.” I muttered, gawking as I looked up and saw the fourth and top floor.

There was a ball pit at the bottom in the customary primary colour scheme. There was rope bridges and rope ladders mixed in with all the soft climbing equipment. There were also those red balls that you could jump on that hung from the ceiling and ran along a small track. When I was a child, I got hit by those so many times. I held in a chuckle at the fond memory. Staring at the mumbo jumbo of colours and the sheer height and size of this place, it made me feel like I was ten again. I felt a nostalgic pang in my chest which was overridden by happiness as I watched the Doctor shrug her coat off, handing it to me, before running back towards the door, smiling like a child.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“To get our friends. Can’t play in here without all your friends!” She said, as if I should have known.

I nodded to her, smiling, feeling so happy. I clutched her coat to my face as she left the room, inhaling her smell. God, I loved her. I still couldn’t believe the sudden change in her behaviour. Both Ryan and Emma said that she’d been withdrawn for days. And earlier, when she came into the living room and fell asleep… she never falls asleep. She must’ve been exhausted. And that random bout of nerves she had. What was that about? And where was it now? Her emotions were confusing me. She went from withdrawn and sad, to nervy, and now back to normal, happy Doctor. I decided I would talk to her later. A part of me was thinking that she’d buried whatever was bothering her under her happy exterior. I doubted it was gone. I wondered if this was how she coped. Maybe.

I was interrupted from my reverie by Ryan. “Oh. My. Days. This is well wicked! I'm happy to stay awake for this!” All traces of his sleepiness was gone and replaced by wonder.

Emma walked in beside him, gasping. “I’m glad I feel better. This is awesome!”

The Doctor walked in after, alone. I frowned at her. “Where’s Graham?”

She pouted. “He wouldn’t get out of bed to come.”

“Probably wouldn’t get far around here anyway.” Ryan laughed, already pulling his trainers off and dumping them on the floor and running straight into the ball pit, screaming.

Emma laughed, following him, and I turned to the Doctor, a sunny grin on her face. I didn’t have time to say anything before she pulled her boots off and dragged me with her. “Come on, Yaz!”

I already had no shoes on, but I barely had time to put the Doctor’s coat down before I was pushed into the ball pit, a tiny plastic yellow one pinging off my head. “Ryan!” I immediately shouted, diving for him, scrabbling through the balls.

“Hey! It wasn’t me!” He put his hands up innocently as another ball bounced off my head.

I heard a gorgeous laugh that flared inside me and caused me to laugh too. I looked at the Doctor, so radiant and beautiful when she was like this, hair ruffled, cheeks pink, and the flare turned into a flame inside me. I stopped laughing, feeling my mood grow sombre, pushing the feelings away.

“Let’s play hide and seek!” Emma suggested, sitting back amongst the plastic balls.

Ryan, who was attempting to juggle balls, piped up. “That would be sick! There’s loads of places to hide in here.”

The Doctor was already moving, scrambling awkwardly over the never-ending balls, almost falling over with her haste. “Yaz is first!”

“Not fair!” I huffed, pouting.

The Doctor was just out of the ball pit and scrambling up a soft ledge when she turned to me. “Fine, Ryan’s turn then!” She grinned.

“Hey!” He shouted, half on a rope ladder that hung on the edge off the ball pit. “That’s really not fair! Yaz goes first, no changing it now.” He smirked, awkwardly climbing up the ladder.

I made a mental note to give some extra time because of his disorder. Though, usually, it doesn’t slow him down too much. I felt a pang of pride for my long-time friend, who’d came such a long way. Emma was daintily running down a hall towards some more soft play stuff before I relented, turning my head and counting.

I counted for two minutes, hearing various scramblings and frantic footsteps during the time. I pulled my head up, scanning the immediate area before wading through the ball pit towards the hall that Emma ran down. I climbed out of the pit, a few balls scattered on the floor, before breaking into a jog. I reached a soft stair case leading to the second floor but squeezed past it. To my left there as a red ball swing and to my right there was another ball pit. I didn’t recall hearing any balls, so I went back to the soft block stairs and climbed them one by one before reaching the second floor. I was greeted by a rope bridge that I walked carefully across, the ropes hard on my socked feet.

There was a tunnel to my left and to my right there was a slide into the ball pit below. I decided to crawl through the tunnel, the hard plastic not kind to my knees. I came out on the other side, and there were huge soft boxing bags with faces that were hanging, I slowly pushed my way through them, they were heavy and pushed back against me. When I got past the last one, I emerged into a room that had another stair to my left and straight ahead was a scary rope floor, on top of which were soft circles than span slowly. I was about to bravely hop to the first one when I heard movement directly above me. I darted to the stairs, hauling myself up the high ledges with speed I didn’t know I had. I was greeted immediately by a mirror room that had two exits besides the one I came up. The mirrors were wiggly and made my sight go weird if I looked at them for too long. They were laid out so there was path between them. I walked slowly, being mindful that someone was here, as well as not wanting to run into a mirror. I heard breathing, faint and quiet, but it was there. I made extra care to look behind all the mirrors, and there, behind one, squashed up between the back of the mirror and the roped wall was Ryan.

He burst into laughter as soon as he saw me. “Bloody ‘ell, Yaz. That was quick!”

I laughed. “Heard you from the second floor, mate!”

Ryan sighed. “I was trying to get more comfortable.” Despite the fact that he lost so quickly, his spirits weren’t dampened.

“You guys, I found Ryan!” I yelled towards the middle of the play area, hoping that everyone heard me.

Me and Ryan made it back to the ball pit to already find the Doctor and Emma there, waiting with smiles on their faces.

“Didn’t take long to get you, did she?” Emma said, playfully pushing Ryan. When he gave her a genuinely warm smile, I raised my eyebrow, something seemed to be blossoming between those two. It was sweet.

I made eye contact with the Doctor, who had her hands on her hips, waiting patiently. From the look in her eyes, she’d seen it too. Suddenly I felt like this is how everybody felt when they were watching me and the Doctor. I blushed at the thought. It wasn’t like that.

A part of me was struggling with whether or not I wanted it to be.

The Doctor clapped her hands, making me jump a little. “Ryan’s counting, let’s go!” She flicked her eyes to mine, holding out her hand, I didn’t hesitate as I waded through the ball pit and took it in mine. Hot skin against mine.

She sprinted off, her speed making me run quicker than I ever had before. She dropped my hand when we reached a rope ladder at the back corner of the play area. I could see the bottom of a massive slide that looked it started on the fourth floor, dominating the area. It cast a dark shadow over this corner, clearly what the Doctor wanted. She scrambled up the ladder, constantly encouraging me as she went. On the next floor there was a large wedge on the floor with a rope to help you climb over it, you had no choice either because you couldn’t get past it otherwise. But the Doctor wasn’t interested in that. She went left, climbing up some blocks to get onto the third floor. I was starting to lose my breath trying to keep up with her. On this floor she found what she wanted. The slide which started on the next floor was close to the back wall here. She walked around, her feet padding on the soft floor, and underneath the slide there was a little section that was cast in shadow, cut off from the surrounding area. It was dark and the slide above looked threatening, but it was massive, and I made a mental note to use it on the way down. I walked under the slide, following the Doctor, and watched as she pulled herself into the darkest corner before she ushered me after her.

“No one will find us here,” she pulled me towards her, and I pressed myself against the wall beside her, the slide looming diagonally overhead. “They get distracted by the slide.”

“Genius idea, Doctor.” I smiled, looking over to her face which had a hint of seriousness to it. “Isn’t it a bad idea that we hide together though?”

She turned her head towards mine, hazel eyes catching what little light we had. “Maybe,” but she shrugged, smiling. “But my hiding place is too clever.”

We stood there for what felt like an eternity, not speaking, hearing only our own breaths. I could hear Ryan cursing and muttering sometimes, but very faintly. It wasn’t until we heard a scramble from below us that the Doctor moved.

We heard, what must have been Ryan, scrambling up the soft block stairs, and the Doctor, looking panicked that her genius hiding place might get caught, grabbed me by the arms and pushed me against the roped wall closest to the slide, her body pressing into mine.

My breath caught. She was hot everywhere she touched me, burning even through my clothes. He breasts pressed into mine, feeling soft and supple at the same time, and her thigh was in between mine, and in that moment, there was no denying these feelings that threaded down my spine and settled much lower. I looked into her eyes, Ryan almost forgotten, and a spark of fear flashed there, she went to move away but I grabbed her arms.

“No,” I breathed, softly. “He’ll see us.”

She let out a wobbling breath, nodding, eyes still on mine as I pulled her closer. Her thigh pressed further in between my legs and I bit my lip, closing my eyes against my feelings. When I opened them, the Doctor was studying me intently, eyes still fearful but a layer of darkness covered it. Her lips, slightly parted as she drew heavy breaths, looked so soft. Her cupid’s bow was perfect, angled in all the right places. Her neck was long, soft, and where it curved and met her collar bones I wanted to kiss. I almost moaned in frustration, wanting to cry as these feelings that I didn’t know how to deal with raged stronger still.

“Are you okay?” Her breath caressed my face, soft and sweet.

Another flutter turned in my stomach, I shook my head. There was determination in her eyes now, I really wished I could understand what she was feeling at this very moment. Surely, she could see. She put her hands on my face, stroking across my cheek with her thumb. I closed my eyes, not wanting to show her what her touch did to me, stomach fluttering violently.

“It’s okay, you know.” She muttered, voice soft.

“What is?” My voice came out shaky, my legs were turning to jelly and my stomach was twisting so hard along with my banging heart that I thought I was going to pass out again.

She moved her hands from my face and dropped them to my shoulders, one of her hands catching some of my hair and twisting it gently in her fingers. The feelings it elicited was almost overloading me. She rested her forehead against mine, and she was so close now that I could smell her stronger than ever before. Her hair, touching my face ever so slightly, sent tingles in between my legs with every tiny brush. Her eyes were closed now too, her breath coming faster and mingling with mine. I swear I couldn’t breathe.

“To feel like this…” she started. “Towards other women.”

I felt my stomach drop, scared and elated at the same time, and a flood between my legs made me want to clamp them shut, but I couldn’t because the Doctor’s thigh was still there, strong and hot.

“I don’t-“ I stammered.

One of her fingers pressed against my lips, causing me to take a big breath, feeling overwhelmed by her. “I’ve been suspecting since that night in the cell, and then confirmed in my bedroom earlier-“

Suddenly everything made sense. “Then why did you clam up and push me away?!” I said, my arousal aiding my hot anger that quickly flared after her confession.

“Because I’m not made for love, Yasmin Khan. Not this kind. Not with a human-“

I felt my heart drop into my boots, snuffing out most of my arousal and turning my anger into pain. “Then why are you doing this?!”

The Doctor looked hurt and confused but making no move to get away from me, only taking her forehead from mine to look more clearly at me. “Doing what?”

Her breath fanned across my face and re-stirred some of my arousal, but I pushed it away. “This!” I said, gesturing to our bodies pressed together, her hands that were hot on my neck. I pushed my thigh that was in between her legs hard into her, making sure I brushed exactly where I wanted to, and I watched, satisfied and wholly aroused, when her eyes closed, head dropping slightly, as she gasped hotly.

She opened her eyes, looking out from under her lashes me in a way that made me want to fuck her right now, my centre pulsing. She went to speak, but my stomach shot up into my heart when someone else did.

“Erm, found you?” Ryan’s voice said. “I’m so sorry,” he quickly stammered, I didn’t even want to think about what he thought we were up to. “I didn’t mean-“

I pushed the Doctor away from me, and she stood, arms slightly outstretched, looking confused and dazed. “Don’t worry,” I muttered, hurting, confused and aroused all at the same time. “It wasn’t what it looked like.” I made eye contact with Ryan and he stared, eyes still looking shocked, but softened as they looked into mine.

He nodded before looking to the big slide overhead. “I’m so going down that!” He was already making his way there, whether he was genuinely excited or wanted to get away from this awkward situation, I wasn’t sure. Maybe both.

“See, Doctor, your plan half-worked.” I looked at her, she was staring at her own body like she didn’t understand herself.

Her eyes met mine, looking scared and young, like a frightened puppy. “Oh…? Yeah.”

“Come on,” I muttered, feeling sorry for her and what I said. I held my hand out and she shakily grabbed it, uncharacteristically letting me drag her along. I didn’t really know what to say to her, it felt like the dynamic between us had shifted.

We clambered up a ramp that had soft foot holds and arrived at the top of the large slide, split into four sections. The Doctor didn’t look excited like I expected her too and neither was I.

“Where’s Emma?” I asked Ryan as I settled at the top of the slide.

“Still hiding,” he said before remembering. “Emma, I found the Doc and Yaz!” He cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted towards the other side of the play area before his eyes turned to mine, offering me a shaky smile, knowing something had passed between me and the Doctor that wasn’t exactly pleasant.

I gulped, looking over to her sitting on the other side of the slide. She smiled as her gaze met mine, but it didn’t reflect in her eyes. I sighed, what was going to happen now? And then we all went down the slide at the same time, Ryan screaming as bump in the slide sent him flying, my own arse lifting off the slippery plastic and landing with a thump.

I felt like the slide was me in life right now, going along at a million miles an hour and getting thrown around because of all the bumps, only life wasn’t nearly as fun as this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaz, that's suuuuuperrr gay.


	13. You Lost Sight on Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to some of the things I've written in this chapter (naughty Yaz) and subsequent ones to come, I'm going to have to up the rating to E.  
> Just a warning that I go into detail regarding sexual activity.  
> Also a quick thanks to everyone who's been leaving comments. Thank you!

I went straight back to my room that night, even though I wasn’t tired. Ryan and Emma wanted to continue to play but my heart wasn’t in it anymore. I said good night to everyone, not sure if they stayed to carry on playing, and went to my room, lying on my bed. I stared at the ceiling, feeling confused by the Doctor. She was sad over killing Reed. I got that part. She admitted to being nervous about my apparently obvious feelings for her, that I also understood. But why did she let herself get that close to me then? Why bother giving me the _hope?_ I’m human. She can’t love humans like that, she said so herself.

But I think I loved her like that.

My stomach fluttered with nerves and sadness, an ache in my chest that made me feel like my world was coming to an end. I really wanted to sleep, I didn’t want to feel like this. The only person that could take it away was the one person that was causing it. Anxiety was fluttering around and making my heart hammer. I briefly wondered when I would stop feeling like this, and how, on those dark and stormy nights, the Doctor would comfort me, and make it all go away.

I felt how the TARDIS swayed slightly, we were still flying. I wondered when we would land and where we would be when it did. I bit my lip in anxiousness, half of me thinking the Doctor would just dump me in Sheffield. I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I’d caused her nothing but pain and trouble. I sighed, running a hand through my hair, feeling thoroughly fed up.

I tried to close my eyes and go to sleep, but the vision of her dark eyes, her gasp, her flushed face when I pushed into her, it mixed with my anxiety and was sending me slightly mad. Her breasts pressed into mine, soft, supple, I imagined what they might have looked like then.

Stop.

I wasn’t helping myself.

I took a deep breath, willing my mind to shut down, but it filled again with her and only her. Her hot skin, her touch on my face, my neck, my shoulders, her legs in between mine, brushing my centre, her hair tickling my face. _Her smell._

God. I ruefully admitted to myself then how much I wanted her.

I sighed, the arousal becoming too much and my curiosity becoming peaked. I pushed a hand under the waistband of my trousers and pants and gasped when I felt my own fingers, cold against myself. I pushed my fingers around, marvelling at how wet and hot I was. I’d done this before countless times, but I’d never felt like this before. All slippery, open and wet.

I closed my eyes, rubbing my fingers up and down, gasping when my arousal went from a spark to a building flame. I felt guilty but I couldn’t help it when the Doctor’s face came into my mind. Her face, beautiful, hot and aroused when I touched her. I imagined touching her with my lips, across her shoulders, down her chest…

I bit back a moan as my fingers moved faster, slick, as more wetness came from me. Fuck, this was good. So good. I felt my orgasm already on the rise, building and building with every stroke of my fingers, every vision of _her._

I imagined what she might feel like down there. Would she feel like me? Slick, wet and hot? I moaned again, imagining that my fingers were her fingers. That it was her that was feeling, right now, as a flood of liquid trickled out of me and coated my already soaking fingers. Her fingers.

I rubbed as fast as I could, pushing my legs further apart as I felt my orgasm rushing at me like a bull. It was building, just reaching the place where it feels so good that you’re not there anymore, but in an entirely different place, a place filled with only pleasure, and in my case, the Doctor. I watched in my head as she leaned down to take a taste of me, blonde hair tickling my thighs, and then I came.

I came so hard, my body shuddering with every wave, that I screamed out her name, back arching off my bed, hand still rubbing furiously under my pants. I couldn’t breathe for a second, and when the pleasure calmed down and my back touched my bed once more, I drew in a large breath, both body and centre quivering from what had just transpired. My rubbings slowed, my movements still drawing out pleasure, and I turned my head sideways, biting my lip and feeling guilty.

The feeling quickly passed, as a vision of the Doctor filled my mind again as my hand sped up its pace, fingers coated in my own liquid, another orgasm already on its way.

~

I woke up with my hand still in my pants. I was dry now, and slightly sore. I think I’d rubbed myself off about five or six times, desperate to be rid of the raging fire that had been burning inside of me for too long. I couldn’t tell what time it was, I never could in the TARDIS. Time didn’t mean much to me anymore anyway, my sleep pattern was messed up.

I got out of bed, pulling my guilty fingers from in my pants, and even though they were dry, wiping them on my trousers. After I got washed and dressed, I opened the door to my room and walked down the hall, and by pure habit, ended up the console room which was, surprisingly, filled with the Doctor, Emma, Ryan and Graham. The Doctor looked up as I walked in, and I felt myself blush as her face, hot, flushed and so vivid in my memory, flooded my belly, and possibly, somewhere else. Her eyes watched me intently, and I, feeling broken and fed up, didn’t care what she found there.

“Where we going?” I asked lazily, walking around the console, moving towards the others.

She watched me as I walked, hands leaning on the console, the large crystal in the middle was moving up and down. “Home.” Her voice was low and not filled with its once usual enthusiasm.

“Home?” I felt a pang in my chest. “Why?”

“We’ll all been through a lot, cockle.” Graham said, smiling sadly at me.

“Doctor?” I asked, panicked and wanting to stay. She turned to face me, hair tucked behind her cuffed ear, sleeves of her coat rolled up, all traces of last night’s childishness gone. “What if I don’t want to?”

“I think it’s for the best.” She started, voice serious. “Just to get back in touch with reality and home after everything that has transpired. It’s been hard on everyone.”

“Can I stay in the TARDIS?” I asked, almost pleading. I was scared she would take off and leave me, and despite my earlier meanderings, I really didn’t want that.

“Alone?” Ryan said, standing near Emma. One hand on a crystal as the TARDIS swayed.

I felt my heart lurch as it felt like the day we had all landed here and me and the Doctor played in the rain. We’ve been through a lot of shit since. Maybe the Doctor was right, we just needed to be home for a bit, get our bearings.

“What’s the plan?” I asked.

“Picnic at the Peak District.” Ryan said. “Miss it there.”

Many good family times were at the Peak District, I was really looking forward to it, it was a gorgeous piece of landscape we had right on our doorstep. “I’m happy with that.” I smiled, putting my hand onto a crystal as the Doctor span the hourglass, and it was only moments after that the TARDIS started lurching about like a child throwing a fit.

“Bloody ‘ell, Doc.” Graham said, being tossed about quite a bit. “You sure you can control this thing?”

She shot back a retort, even though she was busy pressing buttons on every side on the console. “This is supposed to take six people to fly properly, so I consider my solo piloting quite a feat.” She grabbed one corner of the console just before she got swung around, slamming into the next side.

“Doctor!” I shouted, not being able to help the concern that arose from such a small knock.

“I’m okay.” She grunted, pushing herself backwards and already running her hands over the console. “Everyone else?”

“Think I’m gonna be sick.” Emma muttered, covering one hand over her pale face. I gave her a sympathetic smile.

“Almost there…” The Doctor said, sticking her tongue out in concentration. I couldn’t help but feel a flood of emotion when I looked at her. She was so, so beautiful. I could adore her forever, but after last night, I felt that there was something between us. Something had changed. I felt both closer and further away at the same time, and I was scared of her.

I was scared of her hurting me, and I was scared of me hurting her more than I already had. It was complicated. I didn’t want it to ever come to this, but here we were. I didn’t help matters by doing what I did last night either. A flush flooded my face hotly as I remembered the hand in my pants, a certain Time Lord in my mind.

_Fuck, what was I thinking?_

Then there was the familiar wheezing, so welcome to my ears, and then the thud that everyone knew meant a landing. I followed Emma, Ryan and Graham outside, the Doctor was uncharacteristically hanging back. A part of me felt more drawn to her than ever, but I didn’t want to be alone with her, what had passed between us had been real and raw, and I wasn’t ready to confront my feelings yet.

I risked a glance into her gorgeous hazel eyes, and when I found she was looking back, I felt a pull in between my legs which made me look away from her almost instantly, sighing.

I stepped outside, the weather wasn’t great, but at least it wasn’t raining. The grass was very muddy and slippery, still not recovered from the storms, and I pushed my foot around in it as Ryan was complaining.

“It ain’t that bad, son.” Graham tried to be consoling.

“It’s pretty gross.” Emma said, pulling the jacket I borrowed her tight to her body against the slight wind.

“We can picnic on a table, it’ll be fine guys!” The Doctor stepped out the TARIDS, the doors creaking as she closed them, but even she grimaced as her boot slipped as she stepped down.

I walked silently across the gorgeous scenery, rolling hills for miles, little buildings dotted in amongst them. Despite the stiff breeze, it was okay. We’d found a rocky path that was a little bit sturdier than the grass, shoes crunching on the rocks. There was a little stream near-by that trickled softly. Graham, Ryan and Emma were animatedly talking and pointing at things in front of me, Emma had never been here, and Ryan was pointing out various bits he liked. The Doctor was just right behind, clutching a picnic basket and occasionally adding to their conversation.

They all had noticed the tension between me and the Doctor, she wasn’t talking to me like she usually did. I held up the rear, so she wasn’t even walking next to me. It felt awful. For the first time, I felt unwanted in Team TARDIS. When Graham looked back, eyeing the Doctor before making eye contact with me, I just shrugged my shoulders. I briefly wondered if Ryan had told anyone what he had seen between us, I hoped against all hope that he hadn’t. I didn’t fully understand it, so they had no hope.

I pulled my jacket tighter to my body, the breeze beginning to bother me, as we started to walk up a hill. The sky was cloudy, catching the hills and valleys in a dim light, but their beauty and simplicity was still astounding. I remembered playing here as a child, flying kites with my family, eating at the small pubs, riding bikes… a part of me wished for that simplicity once again. This latest journey with the Doctor turned out to have knocked my confidence and messed around with my mental health; not to mention whatever was going on with me and the Doctor. It was all overwhelming, so I was glad to be placing my feet onto very familiar ground.

Actually, I was glad to be alive.

I looked at the back of the blonde head in front of me, hair rustling in the wind. Her coat was billowing as per in this weather, and her muddy boots crunched the ground with sure, confident steps. The picnic basket she had tucked into one arm was now being carried by the handle in her right hand, and with her left she pointed out a couple of benches with tables.

“There!” She said, causing everyone to look at her and then to where she was pointing. She took off at a light jog, passing everyone and being the first to check out the damp, wooden table, the rest of us following.

“Urgh! It’s wet!” Ryan muttered, staring at the table with distaste as he reached it.

“Only a bit,” The Doctor pulled a thick table cloth from inside the basket and laid it on the table with a flourish. “There! That should do.”

As everyone sat down, me sitting opposite Ryan and next to Graham, with the Doctor sitting opposite him, Emma squeezed in between her and Ryan. A part of me was jealous as the Doctor’s arm brushed hers as she started to pull food out. How stupid, but I so craved both to touch her, in any way possible, and to also not be near her. It was wholly confusing, and it was making me feel miserable, a dull ache throbbing in my chest. Emma made eye contact with me and pulled a sad face. I offered her a smile, but even I knew it was pathetic.

The Doctor slapped Graham as he was picking at the food. “Don’t do that! Wait!” She huffed, going back into the basket and pulling out some cake.

“I’m starvin’, Doc. That kitchen of yours isn’t very well stocked.”

She looked up, thoroughly offended. “It’s good enough for me!”

“Yeah, but you don’t eat much.” Ryan interjected. “Glad you stepped up with the food today.”

The Doctor huffed, not replying with words, and pulled out a pitcher and some glasses.

“Is that bloody Mary Poppin’s picnic basket?” Graham laughed, picking a mini scotch egg up out of a bowl and popping it into his mouth.

“Mary Poppins, who’s she again? No, it’s simply Gallifreyan tech.” She tucked her hair behind her ear, pulling out some juice and filling the pitcher.

“Wait, you don’t know who Mary Poppins is?” Emma asked, shocked. “She can fly, she doesn’t age, she has a bag that’s bigger on the inside-“

“Must be a Time Lord then.” The Doctor surmised, lifting up the pitcher. “Juice anyone?”

“Is that what you are?” Emma asked, softly.

“Yes, I swear I must have told you guys-“ she stopped, her eyes meeting mine before she must have realised that she’d only relayed that information to me. “Maybe not. Yes, I’m a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey.” My stomach fluttered at the eye contact even after she looked away.

I found myself staring at her the way the others were: in awe, despite already knowing this information, it was still incredible to hear.

“That sounds amazing, Doc. You’ll have to take us there.” Graham asked, excited, as he bit into a sandwich.

The Doctor’s face faltered, dropping the pitcher. “I can’t… it’s… difficult to reach.”

“Why is that?” Ryan asked, piling his paper plate with mini sausage rolls before eating one whole.

The Doctor went to speak, eyes cast down, hair flapping gently in the wind, contemplating what she was about to say. “I did something. But I’d rather not talk about that right now.” She offered us a sad smile, and we nodded politely, but I wanted to know.

We ate in relative silence after that, with only small comments being made here and there, when someone’s mouth wasn’t full. Even the Doctor ate, she was especially fond of the chocolate cake, eating more than what I would have been comfortable with. I briefly wondered if Time Lord’s had to watch their weight. The Doctor didn’t talk much, and I couldn’t tell if it was because of the conversation about Gallifrey or something else. She’d been all over the place lately. Like the rest of us it seems.

“You okay, cockle? You’re very quiet today, it’s not like you.” Graham gave me a gentle nudge. I felt, rather than saw, the Doctor’s eyes on me, like she was waiting for my response.

I shrugged my shoulders. “As okay as I can be, given what’s happened.”

Graham’s eyes softened, and I saw in the corner of my eye as the Doctor’s head turned away. “I’m so sorry, Yaz. You’ve really been through the ringer. We’re so grateful and unbelievably happy that you’re okay. For a moment there-“

“I know,” I muttered, turning away from his gaze. “It was bad. There were times when I didn’t even want to wake up.”

Everyone’s eyes, including the Doctor’s, turned and looked worriedly at me.

“What do you mean by that?” Emma asked, brown eyes gentle and curious.

“Nothing,” I gave her a shaky smile. “I didn’t mean it in that way.”

“In what way did you mean it then?” Ryan asked gently, eyes soft.

My face flushed, they all must have thought me bloody suicidal or something. I wasn’t like that, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have days, so many of them lately, where I just didn’t want to face the world.

“I’m fine.” I said, voice hard.

“You can talk about it with us-“ Emma started, but I was already scrambling off the table and walking briskly away from them, back from where we came from, ears hot and feeling embarrassed.

I wanted to be alone.


	14. Mad Behaviour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for such a delay on the upload. My Nan got rushed into hospital almost a week ago so I've been distracted.  
> Sorry guys! It's here now, enjoy. <3

I couldn’t stand it, all of them staring at me like I was a fragile bloody baby. I mean, I understood that they were just being kind, but I hated it, not there, not with everyone’s eyes on me. I walked across the mud, almost slipping a couple of times, before finding the path. I didn’t stay on it long though, and I made my way slightly off the beaten track to get to the stream that I could hear trickling by. I slipped, but righted myself, as I walked down the small hill to get close to the banks. I sat down on the wet grass, not caring about the mud on my jeans, and watched as the water ran by loudly.

It was clear, and trickled over soft pebbles, worn round from years of water flow. The other side of the stream there was a little cliff, the grey rocks sticking out of the greenery, and it looked beautiful. I absent mindedly pulled grass from out of the soil before throwing it and worked hard to calm my mind. I was happy to talk, just not there, not with everyone looking at me like I was a little lamb. I tucked my legs up and rested my arms on my knees, just listening to the sounds of the stream and the occasional twittering of birds. I didn’t know how to deal with any of this. How to come to terms with what’s happened to me, I felt that I should respect my life even more given that I almost wasn’t here, but with how awful I was feeling, I was respecting it less.

And the Doctor? Our relationship had been ruined. If only I had kept a better check on my feelings. I’d rather have her in my life and ignore all those urging needs than have her know and it be like this. I felt like I’d really screwed up. I felt like getting up and walking back home from here. It was about fifteen miles, it would take me hours, but a part of me was contemplating it.

I heard footsteps behind me and sighed, someone had found me. When they spoke, I felt my heart sink, it wasn’t the one person I needed more than anything.

“Are you okay?” Emma started, treading carefully down the small hill to get to me. “I’m sorry if I upset you.”

“It wasn’t you.” I muttered, staring back out, eyeing the vale.

“Want to talk about it?” Emma sat down softly beside me, grimacing at the mud.

“Not really much to say.” I said simply.

“Are you and the Doctor okay? Did anything happen?” Emma’s voice was probing but gentle.

I sighed, feeling hot tears prickling in my eyes, I sniffed, pushing them away. “Did Ryan not tell you?”

“No.” She shifted on the grass.

“When we were playing hide and seek, me and the Doctor went off together. We hid under the huge slide and when Ryan got close, she pushed into me, trying to conceal us. And well, you can guess what happened next.”

“You kissed!?” Emma gasped.

I laughed without mirth. “No. But she was effecting me so much. I’ve never felt my body so alive… she told me that it was okay to feel like this towards other women. I tried to tell her that it’s not towards other women. It’s for her, and only her.” I slowed, sniffing and the tears burned hotter, threatening to escape. Emma waited patiently. “She shushed me and told me that she was nervous about my feelings.” I looked at Emma then, as a tear slipped out and rolled down my cheek, hot. “She said she isn’t mean for love. Not that kind of love. Not with humans. And certainly not with me.”

Emma reached out, a comforting hand found my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Then what happened?” She asked, gently.

“I told her that if she couldn’t love humans, then why was she being like this with me? She didn’t understand… so I touched her.” I looked away from Emma, casting my gaze on the muddy ground. “She reacted so…” I blushed. “Well you can guess that. And then Ryan found us.” I wiped a tear away. “And ever since then she’s been avoiding me. She barely talks to me, she wouldn’t even walk with me on the way up here.” I looked to the sky. “And all the time I’m just falling more in love with her. It’s tearing me apart inside.” I admitted, feeling a weight was off my shoulders.

Emma sighed, giving my shoulder another squeeze. “I don’t know what to say, Yaz. I would say that there are plenty more fish in the sea but-“

“There’s only her.” I said simply, voice hard.

Emma nodded, looking at the stream as it trickled by. “She loves you.”

I shrugged. “Not in the way I want her to.”

“I’m sorry.” We didn’t talk for a moment, just watched the stream carry water calmly. “We should go back. You haven’t eaten.”

“Not hungry.” I muttered.

“Please, Yaz.” She begged.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll join you soon. I just need more time to think.” I said, pulling my knees tighter to my chest, my arse was starting to feel damp, but I didn’t care.

“Promise you’ll be back soon.” Emma said, standing up and brushing her hands across her bum.

“Promise.”

She gave me one last sentimental look before walking carefully back up the small hill and out of sight. The sky was darkening, it was getting late in the afternoon, either that or a storm was coming.

I enjoyed my silence a good while longer, trying my best to ignore the darkening sky. I buried my head in my arms and just cried. It felt good to cry sometimes, purging yourself of shitty emotions, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I felt better after. It dulled the ache in my chest and the hollow pit in my belly.

I was just sniffling and wiping away the last of my tears when there was a voice behind me. I jumped, not hearing them approach.

“Yaz.” It was the Doctor. I felt my heart shoot up in my chest, my stomach clenching, feeling like I was going to cry all over again. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, voice thick with tears and raw emotion. “Fine.”

She seemed to wait a while before she spoke again. I didn’t want to look at her, though I could feel my entire body being pulled towards her like she was the other half of me. “We’re leaving. It’s already getting dark.”

I sighed, not ready to face everyone. “Coming.” I muttered, struggling to get up, feet slipping in the mud and legs that had gone to sleep from being still so long in the cold.

I felt a hot hand on my arm, steadying me. And I made the mistake of looking into gorgeous hazel eyes that were already gazing beautifully at me. I made no effort to hide my pain, heart hammering, and the look of pity that crossed her eyes made me look away in shame. I glanced down to her soft lips, sharp jaw line, beautiful hair. I closed my eyes, shaking my head of her.

She didn’t let go of my arm until I was safely up the hill, the heat of her burning my skin. I was covered in mud and must have looked a right state. I bit my lip, holding back the emotions that were threatening to pour forth.

As we walked back up towards the path, I saw everyone watching us with sad eyes, waiting to go back to the TARDIS. I tried not to make eye contact with any of them. Graham was holding the picnic basket, and to my delight, Ryan was holding Emma’s hand. I smiled at her, and she smiled back, eyes sympathetic.

Graham nodded at the Doctor and walked on ahead as Ryan and Emma followed, hands still clasped. I walked behind them feeling so alone despite the Doctor walking beside me. I could feel her staring at me, it was making me bothered, hot, and anxious.

“You can talk to me,” her voice was soft and washed over me like silk. “About anything.”

“I know.” I said, watching Emma’s and Ryan’s feet crunching on the floor in front of me.

When I felt the Doctor’s hand touch mine, I almost pulled back away from her, but she grabbed it and laced our fingers together. I saw our hands out the corner of my eye, and her big blue coat, a beacon of hope, blowing around her. Her hot skin heated mine, and I bit my lip against the tirade of emotions that her touch was causing within me. Her palm was soft, and I could feel the little bones in her delicate fingers. It was like everything about her was driving me wild.

It felt like an age before we reached the big, blue ship. And by that point I was a wreak, half wanting to run from the Doctor, half wanting to hug her to death. She hadn’t said a word to me the rest of the walk, just hung on to me like she knew she was my lifeline.

Before she went to open the creaky door, Emma caught sight of our hands and gave me an encouraging smile. I shook my head slightly. It didn’t mean what she thought it meant, and her smile faltered.

As we piled into the TARDIS, Graham put the picnic basket down and started talking. “Home then, Doc?”

“Home? Like we’re staying there?” My heart sank to my boots.

“Just for tonight, cockle. I miss my house and I need to regain some sense of normality after what’s happened.”

I nodded, still panicked, looking for the Doctor. I found her strong gaze but she didn’t hold it long, already dancing around the console. What would happen now?

Ryan came over, touching my arm. “Don’t worry. We’re not gonna leave ya.” He looked pointedly at the Doctor. “She’s not gonna leave ya.”

I wrapped my arms around myself, to ward off a cold that wasn’t there, but inside of me.  “How do you know?” I asked, wondering how he knew what I was thinking.

“I was there. I saw enough.” He said quietly. “She’s not like that.” He nodded to the Doctor who glanced up at me over the console.

Could she hear what we were saying? I looked at Ryan, speaking lower. “I don’t know.” Was all I said.

“Keep your faith, Yaz. She cares for you, for all of us. She wouldn’t do that.”

I nodded, having no faith to keep right now. “Thanks, Ryan.” I said anyway.

We soon all grabbed crystals, Emma holding her stomach and covering her mouth, as the TARDIS went crazy. We went to Graham’s house first, with everyone, including Emma, getting off. She wasn’t ready to go home yet, nor had she talked with us about what sort of home she had to go back to. I was scared at the prospect of being alone with the Doctor, a sort of funny, awful, but in some ways, ticklish feeling flooded my belly.

When everyone was off and I waved goodbye, spying Graham’s small house through the TARDIS doors, the doors creaked shut and suddenly the air felt thicker. I wasn’t sure if she felt it too, or I was making it all up.

I looked over to her, hair tucked behind a beautifully cuffed ear, sleeves rolled up, leaning on the console. My heart fluttered as I found her hazel eyes and she smiled gently at me. “Ready? It’s going to be a bumpy one. She hates these small journeys.”

I nodded, and then she pulled a lever. The ship was juddering and twisting me this way and that. I started to feel like how Emma must have felt, sick and like I was going to send my vomit across the console room. The Doctor was holding her own, swinging around the console, pressing buttons and pulling levers, until finally, the chaos relented, and we landed with a thump.

The TARDIS doors creaked open and I saw my flat block ahead, suddenly the prospect of being with the Doctor alone was better than going there by myself. I didn’t move, my hand still gripping a crystal pillar and my feet unmoving.

“Yaz?” The Doctor’s voice was as soft as ever, awaking my insides.

“Hmmm?”

“We’re here.”

I continued to stare straight ahead. “I know.” I replied, voice soft.

“Don’t you want to go?” She walked around the console, approaching me.

I finally looked at her, her beauty always taking my breath away. “No.”

She sighed, looking torn. “It’ll be good for you, _especially_ you.”

“But I don’t want to be alone anymore.” I admitted, turning away from her.

“You’re not. You have family-“

“That don’t understand anything.” I muttered. “I love them, of course I do, but I can’t talk to them.”

“Then talk to me.” She took a step closer. “Tell me what’s hurting you so much. You look like you’re dying all over again from the inside out.”

I took a deep, shaky breath, heart banging, stomach fluttering. “You.”

She didn’t look surprised, only deeply saddened. She took a step towards me, coat swaying with the movement. Her hazel eyes connected with mine. “I’m sorry.” She said, voice thick with feeling. “We need to talk.” I nodded, still unmoving, offering nothing. “See your family first. Then we’ll talk.” She said, hands on her hips, face pained, eyes shimmering.

“Come with me.” It wasn’t a question. “Please.” It was a plea.

She shuffled her feet, contemplating. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea…“

I bit my lip, feeling pained and alone, fear was growing inside of me, scared that I’d somehow never see her again.

“Promise me that we’ll talk later. And promise that you’ll be here.” I insisted, voice firm.

She looked me right in the eyes, and from that look I could see really how much I’d hurt her. My stomach dropped, making me feel even worse. “I promise.” She said, voice weak, face melancholy.

“I’m so sorry.” Was all I said, tears threatening and voice breaking, before walking out of the TARDIS and towards my flat, a hollow, empty feeling filling me up.

We had parked in the same place as the night where me and the Doctor played in the rain. My chest clenched at the thought of how much things were different now.

It felt like the light that the Doctor had given me had been snuffed out.

When I got to my floor of the flat block, I couldn’t help but peer out over the railings to see if the TARDIS was still there. It was, the comforting blue colour was like a beacon to me. I wondered how long it would stay there, expecting it to be gone at any moment.

But the Doctor had promised. And she doesn’t promise lightly.

 


	15. Hollow Mind

“Oh my god! Yaz!” My mum pulled me into a hug as soon as she opened the door. “Where have you been?”

I smiled at her as she pulled away. Where have I been? Everywhere I didn’t want to be right now. I wanted to confide in her how much I was hurting, but I settled with telling her about today instead. “I went for a picnic at the Peak District today,” I stepped in, wiping my feet.

“It’s beautiful there,” She smiled before frowning as she looked at me under the hallway light. “You’re filthy. You’re always showing up here lately looking like a right state.”

“Thanks, mum,” I muttered. “I fell over in the mud, that’s all, it was really bad from all the rain.” A little white lie.

“It has been bad hasn’t it?” She started, shaking her head and walking down the hall towards the kitchen. “Those storms. We’re glad that they’ve stopped. They were becoming a real problem, especially down south.”

I bit my lip, hating to keep so much to myself. “Yeah,” I muttered. “I know. Must have been something that came over from another part of the world. We don’t usually have rain like that.”

“I’ll say,” she sat down at the kitchen table, sighing. “Want to order food? I don’t feel like cooking.” She admitted. “Your dad should be back soon.”

“Where’s Sonya?” I asked, following suit and pulling out a chair to sit on.

“She’s out with god knows who and god knows where. Honestly, I feel like can trust you more than I can trust her, and you’re gone for days at a time. Mind you, you’ve got the Doctor looking after you. I feel like I can trust her now. There’s something… powerful, almost otherworldly about her. Do you get that?”

More than you know, mum. “Yeah, she’s definitely something.” I tried to smile but the thought of her, her beautiful smile, her effervescent joy, her hope, _her…_ it hurt me to think of how I’d ruined our friendship.

I wondered how much good this talk between us was really going to do. Maybe it could even make us worse. It ripped me apart inside to think that she might not want to travel with me anymore.

“Are things between you two okay? Are you okay, Yasmin?” Mum asked, interrupting my chaotic thoughts.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, hurting too much to lie convincingly.

“Did you argue? You can talk to me you know, I am your mum. I won’t judge you.”

I nodded. “Sort of,” I played with the table cloth, not wanting to look her in the eye, afraid of exposing too much. “She hurt me with something she said and now I’m hurting her because she knows she’s the one causing my pain.”

“Oh, darlin’, you can’t feel bad about that. You have a right to your emotions and if you feel upset over something she said then your feelings are valid. You can’t feel bad because she feels bad. She _should_ feel bad for upsetting you.”

“But it’s my fault.” Was all I said.

“What is?”

“Everything. The reason that everything is a mess between me and the Doctor. It’s my fault,” I put my head into my hands feeling a comforting rub on my shoulder. “I fucked up.”

I expected to be reprimanded for my language, but it didn’t come. “I’m sure it isn’t. And I’m sure whatever happened between you and the Doctor will be sorted. And whenever you’re ready to tell me what exactly passed between you two then I will be here to listen. Until then, stop fretting. Things have a way of working themselves out and I’m sure the Doctor wouldn’t leave your friendship in tatters.”

“You’re right. She wants to talk to me after I’m done here,” I lifted my head up and met my mum’s sympathetic gaze.

“When _are_ you done here?” She asked gently.

“Well I wanted to go maybe after tea-“

“Just stay the night, Yasmin. At least that. You need time to clear your head before you go and talk to her. You don’t seem yourself right now. I need to know you’re okay. You’re still my little girl you know?”

I nodded, smiling at her comment. “Okay.” Though I couldn’t bear the thought of being away for so long. Every second was a second that the Doctor could just up and leave, and I would never see her again.

“She’s not going anywhere,” mum added as though she could read my thoughts. I wondered briefly how much she knew about what was really going on.

“I’m having a shower,” I muttered, standing up and walking down the hall, not wanting to talk any longer.

“Where do you want to order our Indian from?” She half-shouted at my retreating back.

“Anywhere as long as it’s halal,” I replied, half-joking.

“Duh!” She tutted at me.

Before she had chance to quiz me more on food that didn’t interest me right now, I went into the bathroom to shower. The hot water didn’t do much for my aching soul but soothed my cold skin. I wondered all the time whether or not the TARDIS was still parked where the Doctor had left it. It was driving me half-mad.

I heard a clatter in the hall as I stepped out the shower and dried myself. It was dad. I dashed, towel-clad, to my bedroom and my heart panged when I remembered that the last time I was in here it was with the Doctor as she comforted me on that awful stormy night.

Fuck.

I love her so much.

Scratch that. I’m so _in_ love with her.

My chest ached with the force of it and my body craved her touch the way that thirst craves water. It felt like a need. It was like my mind needed her companionship as much as my body needed her touch.

And I wasn’t getting either.

I ragged a brush through my wet hair, not even being bothered to dry it, and left my room, my solitary thoughts becoming too much. The hustle and bustle of other people in the house helped.

“Yaz! You alright, love?” My dad asked.

I nodded to him, smiling weakly. He didn’t comment on my dispirited reply, so I assumed that mum had told him something, and instead he smiled sympathetically at me. I sighed and picked up one of my books off the bookshelf and plonked myself on the sofa, wet hair resting coldly on my neck.

It was _Anna Karenina_ and it had been awhile since I read it, but I remembered vaguely the story and I was soon caught up in the lives and problems of Anna, Vronksy and Levin, far away from my own.

I loved to read so much that being interrupted really annoyed me. Especially now, when I had so much going on. I wanted to bury myself in the novel and stay there. Sonya had just burst in, laughing on the phone and dumping her bag on the kitchen counter. She saw me, and rather than a verbal greeting, she tapped me on the back of the head. I scowled, annoyed as she started to talk loudly.

“Who’s that?” I heard mum mutter at her.

“Friend,” she whispered, covering a hand over the speaker before putting the phone back to her ear.

“You’ve just came back from being out with friends,” Dad said, rolling his eyes.

I went back to my book, but it wasn’t long before Sonya had come off the phone and decided to torment me instead.

“Hey, sis,” she said, throwing herself carelessly on the sofa next to me.

I sighed, marking my page and putting my book down. “What do you want?”

“Oooo touchy. You and your girlfriend had a fight or something?”

I winced, feeling like I’d been kicked in the gut. “Piss off,” I muttered, looking out the window.

I could feel her gaze still on me as her voice softened. “Shit. Have you really argued? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I replied tersely.

“And your girlfriend?”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I sighed, continuing to not look at her, but instead to stare outside at the little part of other people’s lives I could see through the dark.

“Anymore?” She questioned.

I turned to her, annoyed at her probing. “She never was,” I said firmly.

“Why you upset then?” She shuffled closer to me.

“None of your business,” I looked back out the window, feeling a sudden anger, unsure of where it was coming from.

“Fine, suit yourself,” she muttered, picking up the TV remote and putting some soap on.

The noise from the television and the fresh annoyance I felt from the conversation meant that trying to read would be futile. I continued to stare out of the window, feeling like I wanted to be everywhere but within my own mind and body.

I wondered, again, if the TARDIS was still there.

“I’m going to the loo,” I said, getting up off of the sofa and wondering down the hall.

I knew they would ask where I was going, and I felt as three pairs of eyes watched me walk from the room.

I went into my parents’ room. I felt bad, I usually don’t like to intrude on people’s private space. But I had to see. I pushed back the curtain and squinted, standing on my tip toes to see if I could spot the TARDIS from here. I was beginning to lose hope, legs straining from the increased height, before I spotted the little domed light.

A glimmer of hope sparked in my chest and settled in my stomach. I was both happy and nervous that the Doctor was still there. I took the little pocket of hope that the blue ship had given me and walked back into the hallway just as there was a ring at the door.

“Food’s here, Yaz!” I heard mum shout down the hall.

The smell of our Indian hit my nose straight away as I walked towards the kitchen where dad was already dishing it out. I suddenly realised that I was _starving_ and licked my lips, staring at my food ravenously, wondering when I last ate.

~

Getting ready for bed, in the mental state not the physical one since I was already in my pyjamas, was harrowing. This was the first night away from the Doctor that I’d had in a while and I realised how much I’d come to rely on her presence. Not necessarily in the same room but sometimes just the same building. The same spaceship. That if I called her, she would come.

I tried to remind myself that the TARDIS was close by, and that meant the Doctor was too, I double checked before I went into my room. But here I was, lying in my bed, trying to read, but in the deafening roar of my own thoughts I found that the words made no sense to me. I threw the book on my bedside, and due to its sheer size, it made a clatter that made me jump.

I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry at my own predicament. I turned the light out and burrowed underneath my covers. I tried finding the spot where the Doctor had lay against my bed the night that seemed like so long ago, to get a glimpse, a hint of her.

But there was none.

And I realised how stupid I was being. The anxiety, the same anxiety that had plagued me for days before our ‘adventure,’ if one could call it that, was back. It clutched at my chest and clawed at my stomach leaving me hollow. Maybe this was what it was all leading up to.

That I would never see the Doctor again. Maybe that’s what it was trying to tell me all this time. Maybe that’s why, on recall, it always got worse when I was around her. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because I was totally in love with her this entire time.

Either way, it was back with a vengeance and almost made it impossible to sleep. I’m not sure how long I lay there, unblinking and staring into the dark, but eventually I must have fallen into a dreamless sleep.

~

A deep rumble woke me, feeling like it was shaking the entire house. I panicked, heart racing, as I pulled my sheets up to my chin, arms and hands safely inside.

Then there was a flash of lightening.

And the whole world blew up. Suddenly I wasn’t in my bedroom anymore. I was in the warehouse. Pain ripped through my every muscle, tore through every nerve, and I screamed. But the pain wouldn’t stop. Another flash of light and I tensed up, expected more pain, and it came.

I thrashed around, hands and feet bound, as Reed stood over me, tormenting me, laughing.

“I can kill you.” He hissed.

And I wanted him to.

I don’t know how long the pain shocked through my every limb, Reed standing over me, making me wish I was dead.

And then it stopped. Just as quickly as it came.

I was back in my room, the rain outside lashing the window. Wait. Rain. It was raining. There was a storm. Fear gripped my chest, making it hard to breathe as I clutched my sheets to my sweating body, my limbs and mind still shaking from the shock, struggling to discern what was reality and what wasn’t.

I stumbled out of bed as a light flashed and a rumble sounded overhead. I needed to find the Doctor. What the hell was going on? I made it to my door before another flash of lightening made me crumble. I fell to the carpet, expecting pain and screaming when it came, ripping my nerves from my body. By the time it ceased I was shaking and panicking.

What was happening to me?

I shakily rose from the floor, pulling the door open, and stumbling out. I jogged up the hallway, spying unwashed plates from our Indian, and made for the front door. I tried to yank it open, but of course, it was locked.

I was getting desperate now. I needed to go to the Doctor. They were back. The men were back. I pulled my jacket on over my pyjamas, rummaging in the pocket with shaky hands for my keys, smiling when I found them. I slipped on a pair of shoes and hurriedly unlocked the door, wincing when I heard thunder. I could hear the thrashing of rain before I even opened it, but I didn’t care. I yanked it open, the shelter on my flat block allowing me some dryness, before shutting it behind me, hastily locking it, and sprinting to the TARDIS.

As soon as I ran from beneath the cover of the flat block I was hammered with rain. I stumbled down the stairs barely able to see where I was going, gripping the handrail tightly, no time for the lift. I ran towards the corner, nearing where the TARDIS was, and almost cried with relief when it came into sight. I ran towards it, rain hitting me hard and obscuring my vision, making the ship look like a blue blur. And then it happened again.

A flash of white. And searing pain. I fell hard onto the pavement, scraping my hands on the concrete. And then I wasn’t on the street anymore, but back in the warehouse where I knew nothing but agony. I was being shocked, time and time again, surely past the point of death. I screamed for relief, but none ever came. I was shaking violently, and it was only when I came back to reality that I realised that it was from the cold. I was lying on the pavement, head resting on the path. I was soaked through, shaking in my saturated clothes, hands and knees sore from my fall.

I stood up, tripping over for a moment before I restored my balance. I was so close now that I screamed for the Doctor. The rain had soaked my hair and face and was dripping off my body. I was probably crying but with so much water I couldn’t tell. There was an ache, a squeezing, devastating ache in my chest that needed to be addressed. I needed to see the Doctor.

I needed to know what was happening.

To the world and to me.

I reached the TARDIS and started sobbing as I rested my scraped palms on the blue exterior.

“Doctor!” I shouted, banging on the door. It rattled at me, but otherwise didn’t move. “Doctor! Please open! It’s me! It’s Yaz!” I screamed, throat hoarse and getting desperate, struggling to breathe over my cries which were now turning into gasping sobs.

Then there was a flash of light which lit up the TARDIS and the entire flat block, followed quickly by a rumble of thunder, and I screamed, hands trailing down the ship as my body slumped onto the floor. I was back in the warehouse.

Reed was standing over me and laughing, sparks shooting hot from his fingers, aimed at me. I braced myself for the pain, but it still wasn’t enough, and I couldn’t help when another scream tore itself from my throat, Reed cackling manically, standing over me, a smile of triumph on his face.


	16. How Are You, Just A Dream

I was being dragged by Reed. I squirmed, kicked and screamed to try and get out of his grasp, but he didn’t relent. I didn’t know where he was taking me. My feet dragged over the metal floors, the bright lights blinding me. It wasn’t long before he put me down onto a cot in the prison.

Back here, again. The cot was comfier than I remembered, I wondered what he was going to do with me, fear clawing at my gut, rising into a panic.

And then I was suddenly in a very big, comfortable bed. My hair was damp, and I was shivering despite the large blanket that was draped over my body. I lifted it up and realised that I was wearing a man’s shirt. I frowned, confused but immeasurably relived that Reed wasn’t a reality, letting out a shaky sigh.

I looked around the room to see that the four-poster bed was surrounded by books which were leaning precariously like one breath would knock them over. There were stars on the ceiling glinting softly, the TARDIS walls glowed, and the ship itself hummed almost contentedly. I knew exactly where I was, relief relaxing my entire body and coming out in another low sigh. But where was the Doctor and what had happened to me? The last thing I remember was being outside, banging on the TARDIS doors.

The bedroom door creaked quietly open and I watched as a small, lithe, body carefully walked in, a steaming hot drink in her hand, coat absent.

“Oh! You’re awake,” she analysed me in her quiet way before smiling and walking closer. “Brought you some tea, just in case.” She scrunched her face up so adorably that I couldn’t help but smile back.

I sat up and took the mug from her, our hands brushing and me relishing the small contact, before I had it in both hands, warming myself.

“Thank you,” I said sincerely, looking into her warm hazel eyes before taking a sip of my tea. I felt the warmth of it settle in my belly.

“Watch your hands. They looked a little sore,” she said, giving me a warm smile.

I nodded, taking a look at the slight graze on my palms from when I hit the floor outside. It was nothing to worry about. I’d had these a million times as a careless child, falling over everywhere.

The Doctor watched me quietly before speaking. “What happened, Yaz? What were you doing outside in the middle of the night?”

I rested my tea gently in my lap. “The storms,” I started. “I thought it was the men again. I had to come and tell you. Is it?-“

“As far as I can tell, it’s just leftover storm clouds moving slowly across the country. Nothing to worry about,” she took a deep breath before sitting on the side of her bed, one knee bent and resting in front of her so she could face me. “You were… not yourself, Yaz,” her eyes were curious. “When I found you.”

I sighed. “I had visions.”

The Doctor frowned. “Visions? Of what?”

I twisted the warm mug slowly in my hands. “Of being shocked. Of Reed.”

Her eyes hardened of the mention of his name. “When did they start?” Her voice was harder too.

“Same time the storms did,” I looked down to my mug, somehow ashamed. “It was the lightening.” I lifted my head.

Understanding dawned in her face. “Ah,” she looked compassionately at me, eyes soft. “Makes sense, given what happened. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, Yaz. I feel responsible for it all.”

I gasped. “Doctor! We’ve already talked about this. It’s _my_ fault.”

She just smiled without much mirth. “We’re always going to blame ourselves. But I’m the reason you were there, and I will take sole responsibility for letting you down.”

I looked down at my mug, swirling the tea around gently inside of it. “You’ve never let me down, Doctor,” I looked up, making immediate eye contact. “Ever.”

She bit her lip which sent a flurry of arousal to my core even though it wasn’t intended to be sexy. Her eyes were worried. “Not even when I can’t give you what you want from me?”

Her question shocked me, but I stood by what I had said, and I meant it. “Even then.” I whispered, looking back down at my mug. “You’re still here now, aren’t you? You’re still my friend?”

She nodded, eyes shimmering. “I’m sorry,” her voice was so soft, caressing me. “That I can’t be more.”

“Don’t be,” I shrugged, still not looking at her, a hollow ache in my stomach. “Like I said, my fault.” I looked back up to her, her eyes emotional and shining in the low light. “Can I just ask one thing?” She nodded, looking as though she was about to cry, but fighting it. “Why? Am I that awful?”

“Oh, Yaz,” a tear ran wordlessly down her cheek, the sight of it teared at my insides. “It’s so much more complicated than that.”

I nodded, not really understanding what she meant by it, too afraid to ask. I pulled at the shirt I was wearing, white and too large on me. “Who’s is this?” I changed the subject, but my heart was hurting.

She swiftly wiped the tear away and composed herself. “Mine.”

“Yours?!” Then I remembered. “You were a man once, weren’t you?”

She nodded. “I was many men.”

“I wonder what you looked like,” I stared at her unguarded and open, laying my feelings out. “You’re perfect in this body,” I murmured. “So beautiful.”

There were the beginnings of a blush and she smiled, exposing her perfect teeth and making my heart beat faster. “Regeneration, it’s a lottery. I don’t think you would’ve liked me when I was a man,” she admitted.

I frowned. “Why?”

She turned more to face me, brow creasing. “You like women?” It was a half-question.

“I like _you_ ,” I said quietly. “Only you.” I added in a whisper.

“Yaz…” The Doctor’s voice was thick and raw.

Before she had chance to say anything else, I asked her a question that I was burning to know the answer to. “Why do you let me get close to you? Why do you seem to enjoy it?”

She bit her lip again, in thought, and shook her head gently. “Because I do.” When she looked at me, the sight in her eyes and face was harrowing. She looked torn.

Despite this, a flood of hope filled me. “Then why?-“

“Because I can’t,” she said, voice hard, crushing the small bubble of possibility that had grew at her confession.

“Are you ever going to tell me why?” My heart hurt, and I felt severely rejected and so pathetic.

“Soon, but it’s late and you need to sleep.”

“I don’t want to,” I said, shaking my head as feeling a sense of dread started building inside of me.

The Doctor sensed my oncoming storm because she took the mug out of my hands and placed it on her bedside. “Yaz, please. I’m so, so sorry.”

Her words just caused the flood to come faster, and I started silently crying. Before I knew what was happening, I was being pulled into warm arms, my head resting against a chest with two racing hearts inside. Her smell was overwhelming, the feel of her body pressed against the side of mine, her breathing, her warmth, _her_. I wasn’t sure if she made me cry more or less.

I said what I felt, no holding back, what was the point?

“I love you,” I murmured into her chest, clutching a fistful of her t-shirt in my hand, feeling her stomach underneath, toned and alluring, meaning every word.

I felt a kiss on the top of my head and heard as her two hearts sped up: the only indication that she heard what I had confessed. We stayed like that a short while, my eyes roving over the parts of her that I could see. Her arms toned and firm through her white shirt, as they wrapped around me, warm and safe. Her chest that I was lying against, feeling her breathing but also the soft, suppleness of her breasts under my chin. Her stomach, hard and soft at the same time underneath my hand. Her legs stretched out before me, long and sexy. I had an urge to touch them, to run my hands across them, but I dared not. I bit my lip, closing my eyes and trying to ignore the side of the Doctor that I would never have.

As if on cue she pulled me gently away. “You need to sleep, Yaz,” she said, voice low.

I nodded, unspeaking, as I crawled back under the covers, pulling them high, inhaling the faint smell of her that clung to the fabric. She looked at me, eyes sparkling and full of emotion as she stood up.

“Aren’t you staying?” I asked.

“I can’t, the TARDIS needs some maintenance,” she looked conflicted, running a hand through her short blonde hair.

“You’ll come if I call?” I asked, serious.

“Always,” she whispered.

Then she did what I least expected. She bent down and leant over me. Her hair tickled my face, her smell filled my nose, hazel eyes twinkled. She put her hands gently on my cheeks, warm, and before I knew what was happening her lips were on mine.

A sliver of desire and arousal snaked down my spine and settled between my legs, causing me to moan softly. Her lips were soft and hot, moving gently, ghosting over mine, her breath sweet. Just as I was about to push my mouth properly into hers, she pulled away, resting her forehead on mine, our warm breaths mingling.

“Now, sleep,” her voice was husky and feminine, the sound of it thrilled me and only aided in the wetness that was building between my legs. _Fuck._

She wordlessly stood up, looking flushed, cheeks tinged pink and breathing rapidly, before walking out of her bedroom, leaving me lying there, dumbfounded, heart hammering, mind whirring.

Of course, I couldn’t sleep. I was confused. Why did she just do that? Was it her one last little indulgence before she shunned me forever? That was hardly fair! I was getting frustrated with her teasing me and denying me all at once. When my arousal and sheer shock took a back seat, I realised that it made me angry. I would’ve gotten out of the bed sooner than I did if it wasn’t for my shaky, jelly legs.

I stumbled out, wearing only the Doctor’s shirt and a pair of shorts. I didn’t have my clothes on or any underwear. I blushed hotly when I realised that she must have dressed me when I was out of it. Which means she must have saw me naked too. In my annoyance it only pissed me off more that she’d had that view of me when I wasn’t allowed it for her.

I stormed out the bedroom, my bare feet tapping gently on the surprisingly warm floors. I knew where I was headed, having walked there a million times before.

I was smug when I walked into the console room and found the Doctor, her coat, wet from rain, hanging near the doors. She was just leaning against a crystal pillar, one leg cocked, hands in her trouser pockets, her back to me.

“Working hard you are, ent ya?” I said too harshly for it to be taken completely as a joke.

She must have sensed an edge to my voice because when she turned, pulling her hands out of her pockets, she looked a little taken aback by me. “Yaz?! What are you doing?”

The sound of her voice turned some of my frustration into hurt. “What are _you_ doing? Why did you just do that to me?”

A million emotions flashed in her eyes before it settled on a deep sadness. “I didn’t mean to upset you, it was just meant as an apology-“

“An apology? For what? For teasing me? For letting me get close to you and to feel you so intimately, your voice sending shivers down my spine as you whisper into my ear, the way you’ve touched me… like in the cell. And the way you looked at me, especially after I touched you in the play area. You wanted it as much as I did. I could see it.” The Doctor bit her lip as her eyes glistened, tears brimming as she stared at me like she knew she’d been unfair. She seemed uncharacteristically small. “So how dare you, after sitting there and telling me that you can’t be with me; because I’m human, or I’m ugly, or whatever the hell it is!” I raised my voice, the anger coming like steady waves with my words. “How dare you just kiss me!”

A tear fell down her cheek, leaving a trail of moisture in its wake, another following in quick succession, her face a picture of defeat and real pain. “You don’t understand,” her voice was so very quiet, so unlike the Doctor’s usual charismatic tone.

“Then make me,” I answered, struggling not to hug her, pity beginning to override my vexation.

More tears silently tumbled out over her bottom eye lid, the only noise she made was a sniff as she wiped them away with her sleeve.

“Doctor,” I pleaded. “After everything we’ve been through. After I almost died… You owe it to me to tell me why. Let’s stop tormenting each other. Please.”

She just stood there, eyes shimmering in the TARDIS lights, the only noise was the ship as it whirred and gurgled, the console the only thing keeping us apart. When she didn’t respond, and just stood there shaking like a lost puppy, I closed the distance between us. I skirted around the console, past all the knobs, levers and buttons, while she followed me with her eyes.

Only when I was within a few feet did she finally speak. “Don’t.” Her voice was quiet, and she couldn’t even look me in the eye.

My anger finally crumbled and settled into pity. I ignored her plea and took the last couple of steps that kept us apart. For the first time, I pulled _her_ into a hug. Tucking her tiny body against mine, pulling her tight to me. She didn’t resist, and instead, after a moment or two, wrapped her arms around me, sighing.

“You need to talk to me,” I pulled her tighter and buried my face in her sweet, soft hair. “I know it sounds silly, that a tiny little, insignificant human could ever understand what goes on inside your brilliant mind,” I sighed, feeling her warmth cover my body, warming me on the inside as well, her smell, everything… I put my mouth close to her ear and whispered. “But I see you, Doctor. I see that underneath your age, underneath your Time Lord race, and underneath your superior knowledge, that you feel like I do. That you’re not so far away from me,” she buried her face in my neck, thrilling me. “Your two hearts beat the same as my single one.”

Her body lay firmly against mine, her head still resting on my neck for a while, before she finally looked up. Hazel eyes were deep with compassion and sorrow, and she looked so beautiful, even now, her blonde hair framing her perfect face. I waited for her to speak, and when she didn’t, I was about to talk when she shushed me. She placed her fingers gently on my temples, closing her eyes, concentrating.

“What are you-?”

“Showing you,” she whispered.

There was a tickle in my temples, and then the world burst into flames, suddenly I was on fire. Pain was burrowing through my every nerve, and I thought I was being shocked again. It hurt so much, so much that I didn’t think I could live with it. I sobbed, coving my mouth with my hands to stop myself from crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t see the Doctor anymore, couldn’t feel her. I was in nothingness. There were only awful feelings, sheer pain, agony, and a deep hurt that seemed like it would never go away.

I was about to scream for it to stop when it changed. There was love, such love, that it took my breath away, burying the hurt, though it was still there, just smothered. I clutched at my chest, the world white, as my heart hammered at such emotion, such truth, such compassion. It was overwhelming. I took deep breaths, full of so much feeling, though having no room to feel scared. These were not my emotions anymore.

And then, finally, fear. The world went dark. It was like a slow creeping. It started small, growing and growing, and then until it clutched at my heart and squeezed in my chest. I couldn’t breathe and I panted, before screaming for it to stop. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed. I had only felt fear like this once in my entire life, and it was when my granddad was dying. I knew what fear this was. The crippling fear that leads to an almost unending pain.

It was the fear of loss.

And then it stopped. And I was lying on the TARDIS floor, the ship still whirring, as the Doctor stood over me, a shocked and devastated look on her face, her delicate hand covering her mouth. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-“ her voice was broken.

“What did you do?” My face felt hot and wet, I didn’t realise that I was crying.


	17. Wrong Side of Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though the fic is labelled as E, just a warning that there are graphic depictions of sexual relations within this chapter.  
> This chapter was quite unexpected and kind of wrote itself! I hope you enjoy <3

It took a while for me to calm down, body still surging from emotions that weren’t mine.

“Yaz…” The Doctor reached down to touch a warm hand to my arm.

I looked up into her beautiful but worried eyes. “What happened?”

The TARDIS gurgled around us, bathing us in an orange light. “I psychically connected to you,” she bit her lip, anxiety plaguing her eyes. “I didn’t expect it to be so aggressive. I’m sorry.”

I frowned, confused. She pulled me up with the hand that was still holding my arm. I stood up with her aid, our bodies were close, a hairs width apart. I could feel the heat emanating from her.

“Tell me what you did, Doctor,” I demanded, voice low. I was sick of secrets between us.

“I created a psychic link between our minds, I was trying to show you what I was feeling, why I can’t be with you in the way that you want me to be,” she murmured.

Understanding hit me like a punch to my gut, causing me to gasp in shock and realisation. “Those emotions were yours?”

A slight nod. A rush of compassion and longing filled my chest. Fuck, I loved her so much. I pushed my hand into her hair, behind her ear, running my fingers across her scalp. She opened her mouth to speak, but she said nothing, eyes only darkening as they met mine.

“What are you so afraid of?” I whispered, gently running my fingers in her hair.

She bit her lip, closing her eyes. It was a while before she opened them. “Love.”

I frowned, using my thumb that was near her ear to stroke over it, causing her to lean into the touch. “Love?”

She nodded, stepping closer, closing all gaps between us, pressing our bodies together. She leant her forehead on my shoulder, my hand still in her hair, stroking gently. Her body was warm, and I could feel her supple breasts, toned stomach, and long lean legs against me.

I heard her voice so close to my ear and it gave me goose bumps. “Love means loss and loss means pain.”

She lifted her head up just as a thousand questions flittered around in my head. All of them were forgotten when her eyes met mine, dark and alluring. Her hair was ruffled from my fingers, still stroking her scalp. Her lips were perfect. I wanted to taste them, properly this time.

I gave her no chance to react, pushing my lips into hers, the softness of them so fulfilling. She didn’t kiss me back for a second, until I gently raked my nails across her scalp, tugging her short hair. It was like an animal came to life, she kissed me hard, and with lips wet and hot. When she pulled back for a second to look at me, she looked so sexy, lips glistening in the orange glow and eyes so dark, that I moaned at the back of my throat, deep and guttural, kissing her again. My other hand found its way to her suspender, tugging her closer, pressing our breasts harder together, legs slipping in between each other’s.

She sighed deeply, a wholly arousing sound, causing my belly and between my legs to flood, as she pushed her thigh against my centre, and mine against hers. One of her hands was on my waist, balling the shirt up in her fist, and the other was resting gently on my cheek, the contact burning me. We shared a one last, longing kiss before she pulled away and rested her forehead on my shoulder. I stroked the back of her short hair, my hand and body shaking from the adrenaline and arousal pumping through my body.

I wanted more, so much more.

“Are you okay?” I asked quietly.

She just nodded gently. I could feel her slim, warm body shaking as I wrapped both my arms around her, pulling her tight to me, hooking my fingers around her back suspenders. Her hand stayed on my cheek, rubbing the skin there gently, turning me on all the more. She was so beautiful. 

She pushed her face into my neck, and I moaned softly when I felt a hot kiss there, legs weakening. Before I could comprehend what was happening, I was being pushed against the console, my hands untangling from the Doctor’s suspenders and instead grabbing the edge of it. I was breathing hard, feeling hot kisses on my neck, not quite believing what was happening. Her hands were on me everywhere. They ran over my arms, up my back, on my face, my neck, burning where ever she touched me. It was all happening so fast, my heart hammering, my legs weak, and my centre throbbing. I was so confused.

Why was she doing this, after everything?

“Doc-“ I started, but she silenced me with a slim finger and a stern gaze, her hazel eyes like liquid pools, shimmering and aroused, cheeks dusted pink.

I opened my mouth, quite unbelieving that she was like this before me, before a soft moan escaped my throat. I closed my eyes, leaning my head gently backwards. _Fuck._

Her body was pressing mine harder against the console, my hands still gripping the edge to steady myself. Her thigh suddenly pushed hard against me, causing me to bite my lip and lift my head again to look at her, her touch searing.

She attacked my lips with hers, messy and fervent. I groaned at the back of my throat as one of her hands started sliding down my shirt clad body, my heart picking up speed, my stomach clenching. I tore my lips from hers as her hand got lower, her fingers almost touching the waistband of the borrowed shorts, knowing there was no underwear underneath.

“What are you doing?” I panted softly, breaths coming is gasps.

She looked me in the eyes, sincere and so beautiful. “What you want me to do,” she said simply before pushing her hand past the barrier and into my wetness.

I don’t know who gasped first, me or her. The feel of her fingers hot against me was something I never thought would be real. I bit my lip, holding back emotion, and sighed as I felt her sink into me. She stared at me with wonder and arousal. A hot breath escaped her lips and caressed my face, while at the same time she pushed her fingers around my wetness.

I could do nothing but open and close my mouth like a fish, panting at her, watching as her face filled with different emotions as she explored me, her eyes never leaving mine.

“You’re so wet, Yaz…” she commented, voice husky as she bit her lip, fingers slipping around my slick folds.

I nodded, closing my eyes, cheeks burning, still not believing that this was real, and under it all, feeling embarrassed at my excessive lubrication, exposing the real need I had for her.

“Don’t be ashamed,” her voice made me open my eyes, my pussy quivering from her tone, and she must have felt it because her eyes widened.

She responded by rubbing her fingers up and down me, which instantly made my knees weak, my hands still clinging onto the console for support. The Doctor was pressed against me, her warm skin heating mine, even through our clothes. I wanted to touch her, the way that she was touching me, but I felt like I was spellbound, and couldn’t move.

_Was this really happening?!_

“Oh god,” I panted as her fingers grazed my clit, my body shuddering slightly, and a flood of wetness coated the Doctor’s fingers.

A soft moan escaped the back of her throat as she felt it, I stared at her, captivated. She stared back, her gaze making me feel like I was going to come right now. I wanted so badly to touch her, but my fingers were still wrapped around the console rim, afraid to let go.

My heart was hammering, and when she brushed over my clit again, I thought I was going to die, the pleasure almost agonising, orgasm already there. I could feel how open and wet I was, her fingers needed no aid in moving around my slick folds. Suddenly she kissed me, hot and fast, I moaned into her lips as she started flicking her fingers over me. Our lips parted for a second, my own feeling hot and wet with her taste, and I moaned, long and hard, before releasing the console with one hand and pulling her tight to me with the other.

I rested my head on her shoulder, kissing the soft skin at the base of her neck, my orgasm rising, pleasure causing my body to shake. Her fingers rubbed hard, and suddenly very fast, over my bulging and soaked clit. I dug my fingers into her shoulders, having no control, bending my knees, moaning incessantly.

“It’s okay,” I heard whispered into my ear, so soft.

And then I came, an explosion of pleasure, my toes curling, my body shuddering, my knuckles turning white where the one hand still gripped the console rim, the other hand pressing hard into the Doctor’s shoulder.

“Oh, Doc-“ I gasped as another wave of my orgasm drowned me. “Don’t stop,” I managed to pant out as her fingers rubbed furiously over my clit as it was soaked further still.

By the time my body stopped shuddering I was snuggled into the Doctor’s shoulder, feeling so emotional and confused. I pulled my remaining arm away from the console, leaning fully into her. I could feel tears prickling at my eyes, shocked at the sudden emotion within me. I pushed my face further up her neck, taking a great lungful of her smell, her hair tickling my nose, her fingers still moving slowly over me.

She pulled me tight against her with her free hand, her head leaning on mine. “Are you okay, Yaz?”

I nodded this time, role’s reversing. I was shocked when I felt her fingers move lower, toying with my entrance, fear and pure arousal rushed over me. I’d never been entered before, not even by my own hand. She waited a while, swirling her finger around my opening. I could feel the muscles twitching in her arm between our bodies as she did so.

When I didn’t decline, she gently pushed her fingers into me, two of them. I gasped at the sudden feeling of being filled. And groaned aloud at how amazing it felt, feeling a pleasure that I had never felt before. There was a resistance, which hurt me only slightly. The Doctor pulled my head up, making me look at her, her eyes suddenly serious.

“Yasmin, are you sure? I didn’t know. I-”

“Yes please,” I panted, suddenly not giving a shit about anything but her and wanting her inside me, to feel that pleasure for the first time.

Her eyes grew compassionate as she gently pushed past the barrier, I expected something to happen, but there was only a quick sharp pain which I barely felt.

“Are you hurt?!” The Doctor was worried, checking for any signs that I was hurting in any way, looking deep into my eyes for any sign.

I could feel myself pulsing around her fingers, tight and hot. “Fuck no,” I moaned, biting my lip.

Her eyes darkened, and she took my lips in hers, hot and wet. At the same time, she pushed her fingers more inside of me which caused me to moan against her lips. She kissed me harder, a sigh escaping her own throat as she started gently pumping her hand in and out of me.

I couldn’t believe this, the Doctor’s body was touching mine, her arm pumping up and down in between our bodies as the pushed her soaking fingers in and out of my pussy, every movement causing her smell to be wafted up my nose, her lips dancing with my own, her saliva hot and her lips tasting sweet. I think I was delirious. Pleasure was rapidly filling my body, stemming from the Doctor’s sweet, lean fingers, gently fucking me.

The Doctor bit my bottom lip, pulling it gently into her mouth at the same time as she thrusted inside of me. I suddenly couldn’t cope with the pleasure, with so much of her at once, and I broke our kiss, leaning my head back and moaning loud, feeling my centre fluttering and pulsing, my hands gripping her waist hard.

When I shakily rose my head to look once more at her, she grazed her thumb over my clit, speeding up her thrusts, another flood of wetness left me. The look in her hungry eyes, her mouth open, lips glistening and plump, her whole body rocking with the movement of her fingers in my pussy… I lost it, arching my back involuntarily as another orgasm took me, closing my eyes and clinging onto the Doctor, fingers digging into skin.

She didn’t stop moving inside of me and my orgasm continued, long and hard, causing me to gasp and groan as I felt like I was being ripped apart by pleasure, body and centre shuddering, liquid pooling onto her hand.

I felt like she barely touched me, and I had exploded twice. When I finally came down from my high, I was shaking and clutching the Doctor hard with both hands. She gently withdrew her fingers from me, sensing that I’d had enough, my emotions a turmoil. I whimpered when she did so, and when she pulled them out my shorts to marvel at them under the light, I was shocked at my own juices, glistening on the Doctor’s fingers.

Our eyes met, and she smiled at me, her hazel eyes glittering before she took both fingers in her mouth, closing her eyes as she tasted me. If she had just touched me once, I would’ve come at that ridiculous and beautiful sight.

“Fuck,” I whispered, and she opened her eyes again, looking right at me, gorgeous and hot.

Suddenly the TARDIS doors banged open, tearing me away from the moment as the sounds of the storm were suddenly so loud and threatening, rain thrashing the floor outside, setting my anxiety off.

“Doc!” Graham ran in, shouting.

The Doctor let me go, bounding away from me and pulling her fingers from her mouth like she’d been scalded, and I was the burning water. Without her support I sank down on to the floor, my mind and body both spent and shaken, behind the console where Graham couldn’t see me from where he was.

“What is it, Graham?” the Doctor sounded shook up too, her voice strange.

“The storms, Doc! They’re back.” I don’t think he’d noticed me.

“They’re not I checked, just the aftermath of, erm,” she shook her head trying to think. “They’re just the storm clouds remaining from the weather machine, moving across the country.”

“But it’s been ages since you destroyed it,” Graham reasoned.

“We were hanging in a time vortex, time moves differently there,” she explained gently, but even from here I could see that her hands were shaking.

“Oh, well you best come and tell Ryan and Emma, because they’re freaking out,” he answered, obviously feeling het-up because I could hear his feet pacing slightly. “I’m sorry about the timing.”

I was sure he was talking about the fact that it was the middle of the night, and not referring to the fact that less than five minutes ago the Doctor’s fingers were deep in me.

I clutched a hand to my stomach, feeling like I was going to either cry or be sick, full of emotion and other feelings I didn’t quite understand. There was just too much going on. I saw the Doctor glance my way quickly before looking back to Graham.

“I’ll be right there,” she smiled.

Suddenly, I felt so very empty. I wanted to cling onto the Doctor. For her to explain to me what just happened and for her to just hold me. I was angry at Ryan, Emma and Graham. How dare they need her right now, when I need her more.

“Where’s Yaz?” Graham asked, I could hear worry in his voice. “She with her family?”

I pulled my body tighter, concealing myself. The Doctor nodded. “The TARDIS is malfunctioning, she needs some repairs, you’ll have to walk back home,” she paused. “Sorry, I’ll be right behind you. Just need to sort some things out and grab Yaz.”

“Don’t wake her, Doc. It’s early in the morning still.”

Her body was still shaking as she spoke to him. “If this weather is bothering Emma then I’d like to check on Yaz too. It’s best that she comes with us.”

I assumed he nodded, though I couldn’t see what his reaction was, but I heard the TARDIS doors creak shut, the sounds of the rain gone, and the Doctor started moving towards me.

She bent down, running a hand over my cheek, I could smell myself on her fingers. “Are you okay to get dressed and go, Yaz?” she asked, brow furrowed, voice concerned.

I nodded, the Doctor shakily pulled me up, her body proximity was causing more feelings to stir inside me than ever before, knowing what she could do to me. I sighed, my voice shaking, before rushing off down the hall with jelly legs to my bedroom.

I felt the Doctor’s eyes on me the entire time, pretty sure that neither of us could explain what the hell had just passed between us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I wrote that well.  
> Just a thank you to everyone who's leaving kudos and lovely comments. I have a lot going on personally, and they really help to cheer me up and encourage me to write for you guys.  
> Just a heads up, this is almost finished, but I have plans for a sequel if anyone is interested. :)


	18. Imagine Tomorrow

“Are you ready?” The Doctor eyed me gently, her coat was back on her, still damp, and it made her look bigger, stronger.

I nodded, pulling my raincoat on over my leather jacket. “Are we really walking?”

She nodded, looking solemn. “Sorry, the TARDIS really is in need of a quick repair, but everyone’s waiting, it’s not a long walk, eh?” She smiled, but it was weak.

It was almost weird between us. It made me wonder if the Doctor had only fucked me on impulse and was already regretting it. It would explain why she did it so soon after pleading that she couldn’t be with me in that way.

I felt sick.

“Let’s go,” I muttered, walking out of the TARDIS and into the rain.

Since it was early in the morning, it was still dark. The Doctor hurried after me, pulling her hood over her blonde hair, the rain battering us, booted feet slapping in the puddles formed on the path.

I was anxious, the feeling clawing away inside of me. I focused on putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my head down to keep my hood from being blown off.

“Hey,” her voice was soft as she grabbed my arm gently, tugging me towards her. “You almost walked into a lamppost.”

I let slip a laugh despite my feelings. “Sorry, trying to keep dry,” I answered, her arm lingering on me for a while before she let it slowly slip off. I felt a pang in my chest that set my heart racing and my stomach churning.

I screamed as the sky suddenly lit up with a flash, adrenaline bolting through my body. The world and the Doctor ceased to exist, and I fell to the floor, bound in ropes again, the steel walls of the warehouse already forming around me. A cackling laugh made me squeeze my eyes shut, terrified of who it belonged to.

Then there was a different voice that cut through the darkness before it became too much. A reaching hand amongst all the smoke. I opened my eyes.

“Yaz.” The walls of the warehouse shimmered, Reed’s smile faltered. A hot touch on my bound hands. A northern accent. “Stay with me, baby.”

The rope around my hands snapped, freeing me, Reed took a step back, the walls becoming fainter, blurring into something else. No pain this time. Adrenaline shakily calming down.

Just wet, the floor was wet. And cold.

“Yasmin!”

“Doctor?” I gasped, my hearing flooded back like someone had unplugged my ears, and I was greeted with the roar of the rain.

My eyes adjusted, the bright sheen of metal walls fading to the dark of a stormy night. I could suddenly feel the water that clung to my clothes. It was like I was alive after half-dying. I clutched a hand to my chest, sitting on the wet pavement, the storm raging around us, soaked but grateful, breathing heavily.

I squinted my eyes in the rain as I glanced up at the Doctor, her hood dripping, blonde hair damp, hazel eyes so beautiful and concerned, her warm hand on mine as she leaned down towards me.

“You’re okay.” It was a statement, giving me no room to doubt her.

I nodded. “Yeah,” I scrambled on the floor, struggling to stand up before the Doctor pulled me to my feet.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think, I had so much on my mind I forgot about what you told me I shouldn’t have let you out here-“

“Thank you,” I said, interrupting her and putting my head down away from the lashing rain. “For getting me out of there.”

“Always, Yaz.” Her voice was quiet but resolute, eyes severe and strong.

The rest of the short walk was miserable, wet and silent. I was glad to get into Graham and Ryan’s house, shrugging my wet coat off as soon as I walked in through the door.

I walked through into the living room and Graham and Ryan were sitting facing a terrified Emma, her skin pale and expression scared, knees pulled up to her chest under a blanket. They all jumped as I walked in, the Doctor behind me.

“Sorry,” I muttered, feeling awkward.

The Doctor hurried past me, walking over to everyone and kneeling down, talking to Emma in a hushed voice. My clothes were damp, and after everything I didn’t feel like talking, so I sat down against the living room wall, tucking my knees up and leaning my head back. No one paid attention to me, obviously occupied.

I was glad of the time to just sit and think, not paying attention to the hushed reassurances that the Doctor was offering Emma. I was too tired to pay attention to anything around me, feeling trapped in my own head.

I felt sick, physically sick, whether from the trauma of my visions or the idea of what happened between me and the Doctor, I wasn’t sure. All I know is that, exhausted, I must have fallen asleep against the wall listening to the murmurings of my friends.

~

“Visions? I’m worried for her,” Graham muttered. “Doc,” there was a pause. “She’s really suffering, and it isn’t getting better.”

“I know, Graham,” her voice was low, mournful. “It’s never-ending isn’t it? No matter how hard I try to make it better.” There was a soft sigh.

I thought they were talking about Emma until she spoke up. “I hope she’s okay.”

I was awake, but I didn’t open my eyes. I wanted everyone to go away.

“Yaz has been through a lot. Probably more than we realise,” Ryan said quietly.

He was right about that. Rather than thinking about my visions though, a brief image of the Doctor’s face, flushed, aroused and sexy flittered through my mind, a pang deep in my chest hoped that it was real. I couldn’t tell anymore. How long had I been asleep? I couldn’t remember what was real and what was in my head. I felt super muddled.

I lay, still and unmoving, until I heard people leave the room, listening to voices and feet travel into the kitchen. When I warily sat up Graham was the only person with me.

“Yaz, love!” He was sitting at his table and chair by the window, the rising sun outlining his silhouette. “Are you alright? You dozed off and we put you on the sofa.”

My mind felt groggy, like I was thinking through sand, feeling dysphoric and confused. I shrugged.

“I feel sick,” I got unsteadily to my feet. Graham made a move to come near me. “Don’t. I’m fine, really. I just need to go to the toilet,” his face contorted in worry.

I shuffled into the hallway and slowly up the stairs making for the loo. When I got there I just sat with my back to the wall, the toilet there if I needed to puke. I had images of the Doctor touching me, and I felt a flood of nausea when I realised that it actually happened.

Fucking hell. Why was I feeling like this? Isn’t this what I’d always wanted? But something didn’t feel right. Everything felt wrong.

“Yaz?” It was Ryan outside the door. “Are you alright in there?” I felt a pang for my old-time friend.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just not feeling well. I’m sorry, how are you and Emma?”

“Don’t apologise, really,” there was a loud sigh. “Emma is struggling with the storms. She thinks they’re back and coming for her. It’s… difficult. She wanted the Doctor’s reassurance and I think she’s feeling better now,” I heard him sigh again and lean against the door. “I dunno, Yaz. I feel like it’s all over, but the aftermath is following us everywhere. Even at home.”

“I know what you mean.” This had been the hardest trip we’d ever been on, and hopefully ever would.

“I hope you’re alright, Yaz. Everyone’s worried about you and Emma.” A small silence. “Want me to send the Doctor up?” His voice held a hint of something, like he knew that she was who I needed.

“Please,” my voice broke.

I heard him patter off down the stairs and I didn’t even hear her come up until she knocked gently on the door. Even now, after we had shared what we had, my heart still shot up in my chest at the thought of her.

God, I was a mess.

“Can I come in?”

I reached up from where I was sat on the floor and unbolted the door. The Doctor walked in straight away, shutting the door behind her and frowning at my position on the floor.

“I’m fine,” I answered her unspoken question.

“I know you’re okay, Yaz,” she sat on the floor, facing me, her big blue coat fanning around her, knees up, leaning against the bath. “You always are. You’re so strong.”

“I don’t feel like it. It’s just one thing after another. Are you sure these storms are not _them_?” I was referring to Reed and his gang.

Her brow furrowed, giving me a sad smile. “Everyone’s here for you and Emma. I’m here for you,” she paused, thinking. “I’m almost certain that they’re not new.”

“Did you really kill him?”

My question surprised her, her face turning from shock quickly to sadness, knowing exactly who I meant. “I didn’t mean to - of course I didn’t… but I did.” She ran a hand through her blonde bob, ruffing her hair, making her even more beautiful, even when she was frowning.

“Why?”

“Yaz, you know I didn’t mean to so there’s not really a reason-“ She looked away from me.

“Yes, but what made you so angry? There was a reason for that.” I wanted to hear her say it.

“He hurt you.” Was the only answer she gave me.

Was it really that simple?

“I got told it was bad… how angry you got,” I said.

She looked up at me from under her long lashes. “We can’t have a universe with no Yaz,” she smiled echoing her words from the Punjab, which suddenly seemed like so long ago.

I smiled back. “I owe you so much. I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you and put you in a position that you never asked for.” I looked down at the floor. “I know it’s been hard for you.”

She knew instantly what I referring to. “Yaz, you can’t help-“

“I could have!” I looked back up at her, frustrated with myself. “I could have not let on to you, I could have ignored my feelings and waited for them to go away.”

“And what if they didn’t?” She replied, voice and eyes gentle and curious.

“Then so be it. I would’ve lived with it.”

“Then you would have been unhappy. We can’t have an unhappy Yaz,” she tucked some hair behind her ear.

I stared at her ear cuff as I thought about what she said. “Rather me than you. I was the one who started this whole thing anyway. I should’ve never have told you about my attraction to you-”

“You didn’t,” she reminded me.

“Was it that obvious?” I shook my head, blushing.

“It wasn’t just you, I think you forget that. You said it yourself, I was touching and reacting to you in the same way.”

“Yes, but you don’t really want me-“

Her hand was suddenly on my arm, her touch warm and her eyes serious, her whole body leaning towards me. “I never said that. Do you think I would’ve done what I did, if that was the case?” Her voice was hard.

I blushed, my cheeks feeling hot. The Doctor had a faint pink on her own. “It really happened then? It wasn’t a dream?” I had a flash of the Doctor, hot, aroused… I still couldn’t believe it.

She moved away from me, leaning back against the bath. “It wasn’t a dream.”

It was her turn to look away, playing with her hands, the same fingers that… I stopped myself, blushing harder.

“Why did you touch me? You said only moments before that you couldn’t… I know I kissed you first, but I felt your feelings, Doctor, you were so scared.”

“There’s your answer.” She still didn’t look at me.

“What?” And then it dawned on me. The love. The beautiful, pure, overwhelming sense of love I felt when the Doctor had psychically linked with me.

I’d almost forgotten about it, wedged in between the intense pain and fear. I felt overwhelmed, just like I did when I was in the Doctor’s head, not knowing what to say, how to react. I remembered our conversation before I kissed her. She said she was afraid of love. In the midst of what happened, I’d almost forgot, so I decided to ask her again, remembering the sheer terror I felt at the end of our physic link.

“But why the pain and the fear?” I shook my head, tears biting at my eyes, remembering how awful it felt. “It felt like it was destroying me.”

I looked at her, her eyes meeting mine, hazel full of emotion. “Now you know why I didn’t want to be like that with you. I-“

“But you _were_ … Are we?” My heart pounded, waiting for her answer.

She shook her head, looking back at her own hands. “I don’t know.”

I felt like I’d been stabbed. “What do you mean?” I bit my lip to stem the flow of tears which were starting to escape around my eyes.

“It’s complicated, Yaz,” she looked so broken all of a sudden. And then she added in a whisper. “Please don’t cry, baby.”

I wanted so hard to rush into her, to bury myself in her arms, to inhale her, but I was hurting and so confused.

“I need a minute,” I stammered, standing up and yanking the door open.

I rushed down the stairs, still feeling woozy, wishing I stayed near the loo. I was shaking violently. I went against my religion, let her take me with her fingers, the way that no one ever has before. I let her into my private place; exposed myself to her… so intimate.

There was no going back from that.

Not for me.

“Hey, Yasmin!” Graham tried to steady me as I walked into his living room, I was silently crying by this point. Ryan and Emma, who were cuddling on the sofa looked up, startled at my sudden outburst. “What’s happened?” Graham gently touched my arm.

I walked away, angrily sitting on the remaining sofa seat, wiping a tear away. “The Doctor still doesn’t wanna be with me… even after she’s fucked me.”

The Doctor chose that opportune moment to follow me into the living room, Graham spitting out his tea and spraying it over the table, Ryan and Emma staring at her like she’d killed someone, mouths hanging open, eyes wide.

She walked further into the room, and I could tell by the way she looked at me that she had heard what I had said. She opened her mouth to speak, and I could tell that I’d really hurt her by saying what I did in front of everyone.

“I didn’t say that,” she whispered.

Everyone was staring at us, looking from her and then to me. You could cut the tension with a knife. I covered my mouth with my hands and bending over, buried my face in my knees.

I fucked up. But I was sick of holding this torment inside.

“Doctor, maybe you and Yaz want to talk in private?” Emma suggested, voice quiet and embarrassed.

“I don’t think there’s anything left to say. Yaz has it in her head that I must be deliberately tormenting her,” I heard her sit down on one of the dining chairs, sighing.

I was too scared to look up. “You said it, Doctor. Not me.”

“I said I didn’t know if we could work as a couple, that’s what I meant,” her voice grew quiet. “Not that I don’t want you like that.”

“Oh, dear,” Graham muttered. I brought my head up to see that he had flushed red. “Well, we all knew that there was something between you two, but we weren’t expecting this.”

“Sorry. I feel like such a burden,” I admitted, another tear running down my cheek. “I wasn’t thinking. Maybe I shouldn’t travel with you all anymore.”

“Yaz!” Ryan sounded shocked. “You can’t do that. Just sort whatever’s going on between you two. Please don’t wreck what we’ve got.”

“He’s right, please stay,” Emma’s voice was quiet.

 Graham stood up and wordlessly went into the kitchen and I heard the kettle start to boil. Tea fixes everything apparently.

I looked into the Doctor’s eyes which were so hurt from what I had done.

“I’m sorry, Doctor. I can’t deal with this back and forth. Am I worth it to you or not? I need to know.”

Her eyes softened, and she looked away, rubbing a hand over her face. “Of course, you’re worth it, Yaz,” she whispered. “It’s just so scary for me.”

Nobody said anything for a short while until Graham came back in with two cups of tea, which he handed to me and the Doctor. I held mine gratefully, suddenly more confident, breaking the short silence.

“Why? Are you _finally_ going to tell me?”

She sighed. “I’ve fallen in love a human before…” She looked awfully tired all of a sudden. “And it hurts so much,” she bit her lip, looking down to her tea. “You must remember that I am over two thousand years old. You are but a whisper of my existence.”

I hated it when she said that. It made me feel so insignificant.

“So, you’re scared of falling in love?” Ryan asked, bewildered.

She nodded. “I carry on long after you’re gone.”

“But isn’t it worth it for the short time that you get to spend with them?” Graham asked. “I feel that way about Grace. We didn’t have long, but what we did have was worth it all.” His eyes shimmered as he looked towards the now risen sun.

“Maybe…” Her voice was low as she looked from her mug to Graham.

“Look, Doc,” he turned to face her. “I would trade the rest of my days if it meant I had an extra day with Grace. Don’t waste love. It doesn’t come around enough as it is.”

I remembered her fear that I vividly felt when we connected, giving me some comprehension of how totally debilitatingly scary this was for her. But I still felt angry that she let herself touch me if she knew she wasn’t sure about us. Maybe time, and Graham’s words, would help her to decide. I could only hope.

“How are you, Emma?” I changed the subject, my tears drying and leaving my cheeks sticky, something I’d grown used to lately.

She shook her head, not expecting the change in conversation, clearly still shook from what had happened. “Better,” she smiled. “Thanks. You?”

“Just tired,” I took a sip of my tea, loving the comforting warmth it brought. “Storms are scary,” I admitted.

She nodded with a gentle smile, gesturing to the window. “Looks like we’re okay though.”

I looked out the window to suddenly realise, with immense relief, that the rain had stopped, the rising sun bright and strong. I admired the clear sky for a second, exhilarated by the sight of the sun. Then I looked at the Doctor, a slight smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as her eyes met mine, even after what I did, and I wanted so much to run to her; to inhale everything that she was.

“I hope so,” I replied, my gaze never leaving hazel eyes.


	19. Beautiful Mornings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who's commented and those who have reached out to me on Tumblr (thirteensgalaxy) it means an awful lot that you guys are enjoying it. I'm definitely going ahead with a sequel, but I'm not quite done with the first one yet. A couple of chapters to go! <3

The living room was empty except for me. It was super awkward after I had barged in here. I felt so embarrassed, and after a cup of tea and some digestive biscuits, everyone had retired to bed, whether from real fatigue or just wanting to escape the awkwardness I didn’t know.

We’d all been up half the night, apart from my small nap, and after it was all said and done, I wanted to sleep away the stress and embarrassment. I was so grateful that the storms had stopped, and I just sat watching two birds flitter about in a tree, its branches shaking with their movements.

“Not tired?”

I jumped, before sighing when I realised it was just the Doctor.

“Nah,” I lied.

In reality I didn’t feel comfortable napping again, scared that this was the dream and I’d wake up in reality.

“I found some cool appliances in their kitchen. I’m kind of tempted to take them apart and-“

I put my hands up, like I was stopping a galloping horse. “Doc, no.”

She smiled, her sunny grin, slipping back into her usual self like an old glove.

“Don’t worry,” she chided. “I wouldn’t have done anything without their permission.”

I raised my eyebrow at her but otherwise said nothing.

Despite our easy conversation, it was still tense between us, both of us not sure where we stood with each other. The Doctor sat down, picking the hem of her coat up with delicate fingers, sighing.

“Still wet,” she mumbled.

I watched her attractive fingers pull at the material distastefully. Arousal forming in my belly, knowing where those very fingers had been, causing the feeling to flood down below.

Yes, definitely still wet.

I bit my lip, turning away from her, back to the view outside Graham’s window. Enjoying the deep solace that came with the clear skies.

“Hopefully that’s the last of those storms,” she commented as if she knew what I was thinking.

“Am I going to be afraid of any lightening now? Is that going to be a thing? Will I have to avoid films with it in too?” I was so grateful she was there last night.

The Doctor was quiet for a moment behind me. “Time heals everything, Yaz. What happened with Reed is still so fresh in your mind. When the lightening stuck, your brain must have associated the flash with Reed’s power and the pain that came with it. Hopefully time will sever the connection. If not, there are other ways I can try to help you, but for now, let’s just see what happens, eh?”

“Hmmm,” I hoped to god she was right.

“I want biscuits. I love biscuits. Especially those ones with the chocolate on top,” she groaned in a way that made my stomach clench and my centre flutter. “I _love_ those. Especially dipped in tea. _Oh!_ I didn’t dip any in my tea earlier.”

“Is this what you do all night when we’re all sleeping?” I smiled, loving this side of her, that had been dipping in and out of her lately.

“Mostly I work on the old girl,” I assumed she meant her TARDIS. “She needs fixing right now, actually. I’ve been neglecting her. But I have been known to raid the fridge sometimes. Especially after a regeneration.”

I thought of the Doctor regenerating now. Would she become a man again? Could I still love her? Would she still be the same, underneath it all?

“What causes you to regenerate?” I watched out the window as the birds chased each other.

“When my current body cannot go on any longer,” her voice was quiet.

“I hope I never have to see that.”

“I hope so too. It’s terrifying.”

“Do you stay the same… inside?” I asked. The birds were still dipping in and out of the tree.

“Somewhat. My memories and my experiences are the same, but how I cope with them and my outlook on life changes sometimes. I’ve not always been this jovial.”

I tried to imagine the Doctor as a grumpy old man.  I laughed at the thought, and then sobered knowing how hard it would be to still see the Doctor within that. _My_ Doctor.

“I hope you don’t regenerate any time soon.”

I turned to her, seeing her smile. “So do I, Yasmin Khan.”

“Are you going back to the TARDIS now?” I asked.

Her face crumpled in thought for a moment, nose scrunching. “Well, I feel like we all need an adventure, don’t you?” She must have saw me pale at the idea of repeating what we just went through. She put her hands up, defensive. “I meant a nice one, Yaz.”

I sighed. “Please.”

“I need to get started on fixing the TARDIS,” she was quiet for a moment before making eye contact with me. “Want to come?”

I nodded, captivated already by how beautiful she was in the morning sun, the green and brown in her eyes exaggerated from the sunlight. I felt a tug simultaneously in my chest and my stomach. I wondered when I would stop falling more in love with her.

“Yes,” I finally answered.

“Let’s get a shift on then!” She grinned that gorgeous sunny grin and took off with billow of pale blue.

Once we were outside, I took in my surroundings, watching as everyone went about their daily life, shopping, walking their kids to school. They didn’t have a clue that anything had been amiss.

The Doctor was a silent saviour. Never asking for thanks or gratitude. That’s how I knew she was coming from an authentic place, a selfless place. I watched her now, blonde hair ruffling in the wind, eyes squinting in the sun.

I reached for her hand, not caring what people thought, and she smiled at me, lacing our fingers together. Her hand was warm, like always, but her touch heated me more on the inside. I was shocked by my libido, not expecting it to be so violent and nagging, but I didn’t expect to be so completely and utterly taken like I was yesterday. It was nothing like when I did it myself.

I felt a blush burn at my cheeks, feeling down below a need that was only made worse by the Doctor’s heated touch. I wondered if she felt it too, and remembering that she herself didn’t get touched, felt a pang in my chest that it might not have done anything for her.

We continued walking, our feet slapping in the puddles still present all over the path. We didn’t talk, happy to just watch as the rest of the world went by. It was grounding me which had a calming effect. I hoped this was the start of something.

I hoped so much.

As soon as we neared the TARDIS the Doctor sped up, pulling me along with her hand. I laughed because I was so happy.

Because I was so in love.

My phone buzzed, and I opened the message with my free hand. It was a text from mum: “I know where you are, is everything okay?”

I simply text back: “perfect,” before shoving it back into my jacket and squeezing the Doctor’s warm hand.

Once we neared the blue ship, she unlocked it and strode in, clapping her hands to turn the lights on.

“Right! Time to _finally_ fix ya,” she said, talking to the ship.

 _Her_ ship. Admittedly, I felt a pang of jealously.

“Sorry for distracting you yesterday.” Though I’m not sure if I really was.

I just wanted to talk about what happened, because it all seemed like one big rushed _thing._ I didn’t even know what to label it. A really old alien with her fingers up a nineteen-year-old human? God, that sounded really weird, and certainly not how it felt.

“Don’t worry about it, Yaz,” she looked thoughtful for a second, her cheeks turning pink, before she pulled some thick gloves out of her pocket and pulled them onto her small hands. “It was, let’s say, a learning experience.”

She bent down to lean under the TARDIS console, pushing herself under and lying on her back to get a view of whatever the hell was under there.

“For me too,” I mumbled, leaning against a crystal pillar.

When she didn’t respond, when she only muttered to herself, or to the ship as she worked, I decided to just blurt it out.

“Do you regret it?” I boldly asked, looking at the side of the console that I so vividly remember being pushed against.

There was a bang. “Ouch! My head! Should’ve been more careful, I always do that,” she was silent for a moment, and I could almost hear her gloved hand rubbing her injury. My breathing spiked, and my heart was hammering, waiting for her to speak. “I regret some things I’ve done in my very long life, Yaz. But that was not one of them. I only regret that I acted on such an impulse, not really realising what we were doing until it had been done.”

I was confused by her answer. “So you _do_ regret it then?”

A sigh. “No, I just wish we were more conscious of what we were doing. You know, more thoughtful.”

My stomach clenched, causing my heart to flutter in my chest. “That’s sweet, Doctor.”

“Can you pass me that spanner, Yaz?” She asked, her voice quieter.

I could sense that she was changing the subject, clearly uncomfortable talking of such things. I hoped above all hope, that the said thing would happen again though. I repressed a pleasant shudder.

“Sure,” I walked over to her toolbox and grabbed the tool, passing it to her outstretched hand that was reaching from half under the console.

As I bent down, I caught her hazel eyes for a second and I gave her a reassuring smile which she mirrored in reply.

“Where are we going?” I asked, pulling a beanbag to sit close, watching her work.

“Well, when she’s all fixed, I have a plan!” I could hear the smile in her voice.

I loved it when she got excited about taking us somewhere. It was always brilliant. And bloody hell, we all needed a good time.  

~

Graham, Ryan and Emma piled into the TARDIS wearing winter clothes despite the Sheffield sunshine. The Doctor had told them to dress for the cold, despite only donning her rainbow scarf herself.

“Where are we going then, Doc? It’s bloody hot in here,” Graham panted, opening his coat and unravelling his scarf.

“You’ll see. Everybody ready?” I watched as her hazel eyes glanced around at everyone in the console room before finally settling on me, her eyes softening. It sent my heart fluttering wildly. “Let’s go!” And she pulled a lever.

Emma’s face looked ready to buffer the travel sickness she usually endured, but the TARDIS took off and flew with surprising steadiness, like when we hang about in the time vortex. The only sign that the ship was moving was its steady and slight rocking.

“Definitely fixed the problem then,” Ryan commented.

“Hey! She gets worked up over small journeys, that’s all. She needs to stretch her legs every now and then,” the Doctor defended.

I watched as Emma carefully came over to me, a question already forming on her lips. “Hey,” she said, voice low. I watched as the Doctor glanced over to us for a split second before looking away. “How are things?” Emma was always so caring.

“Okay,” I answered, not really knowing what to make of the past few days. “It’s all been a bit mad, and I’m still not sure where I stand with her. I’m just so grateful that we’re still friends and she’s okay with me,” I admitted. “Though I’m so…” I looked over Emma’s shoulder as the Doctor tinkered with the console as she flew her ship, her hair behind one cuffed ear, sleeves rolled up on slim and beautiful arms, scarf hanging around her dainty neck. “I’m so in love with her.”

“Glad to hear you finally admit it. Though I wasn’t expecting… you know,” a blush formed on her cheeks and she tucked some long brown hair behind an ear, looking sheepish. “Did you really?”

I nodded. “Really. So sorry for blurting it out the way I did,” I put a hand to my face, feeling my own cheeks flood with heat. “That was really stupid.”

“But you’re okay now, yeah?”

I looked at the Doctor, and like she could hear us talking, she looked right at me, smiling so softly. “Yeah,” I muttered, captured by her until she looked away. “I think so.”

Emma patted my arm gently. “I’m happy for you, Yaz. It’s been a hard journey for us all, and I’m glad that you’ve found someone like I’ve found Ryan.”

I smiled at her and glanced quickly at Ryan who was talking with his grandad, a grey woolly hat on his head. “Yeah, grats, he’s one of the good ones,” I smiled.

“So is she,” Emma glanced towards the blonde head that had gone very still, almost like she was listening…

“She’s a nosy little thing, that’s what she is,” I said, frowning.

And when the Doctor’s eyes met mine, filled with mischief and mirth, I couldn’t help but laugh as she offered me a cheeky but sunny grin. Emma must have realised what was happening, because she also joined in with the laughter.

“But yeah,” I added when the laughter had subsided. “She’s the only one.”

The way she looked at me then was anything but funny. There was a heat and a passion in her hazel eyes that almost made my knees weak and I subtly grabbed onto a crystal pillar for support.

“One sec, Emma,” I said, already striding towards the console.

The Doctor stood up straight, eyeing me with a raised eyebrow. When I got close to her, her body heat, her smell, and her beauty almost made me forget what I was going to say.

I opened my mouth to speak, trying to remember. “Erm, you,” I pointed my finger at her chest.

“I am the Doctor,” she answered with a sly smile.

I reached closer, my mouth right by her cuffed ear. Her breathing sped up enough for me to notice it, feeling powerful that I could cause such a thing. “Stop spying, it’s rude,” I said gently into her ear.

I saw as her hairs stood on end, goose bumps forming on her arms. When I pulled away, her eyes were darker, the cheeky smile gone. “I can’t help my good hearing, Yasmin.”

My name sounded different on her tongue when she said it. There was something uncontrollable and charged between us that scared me a little. “Close your ears then.”

When I turned to walk back to the others, her breathing was audible. I felt a stirring at my centre knowing that I had caused that. When I turned to look at her, her arms were slightly outspread in front of her, and she looked confused, like she didn’t know what to do with herself.

“You’ve broke the Doctor,” Ryan stated as I neared him, Emma and Graham.

“I just told her to stop spying on my conversations.”

“Why does she look like she’s a robot that’s malfunctioning?” Emma asked, humour in her tone.  

I shrugged my shoulders, letting out a laugh. The Doctor looked up, noticed us all staring, and promptly dropped her arms, standing up straight, and going back to piloting the TARDIS.

“Right,” she said, voice a little wavy. “We’re here.”

There was a thunk as she pulled a lever and the ship landed. And then the doors opened, and we all wished they hadn’t.


	20. Our Corner of the Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seemed to have tricked you guys into thinking something bad is coming ;)  
> Also I apologise for the delay, had things going on in my personal life.   
> Thank you for sticking with me!

It was absolutely freezing! The gust of cold air that blew into the TARDIS made my arms prickle in goose bumps, the cold was so violent that it hurt.

“Bloody ‘ell,” Graham muttered, hastily zipping his coat and wrapping his scarf rapidly around his neck. “Trying to kill us, Doc?”

I pulled my own winter coat on along with my woolly hat and mittens that I had on hand, though I wasn’t expecting it to be this cold.

“We get chased by crazy, shock zapping men in a secret, abandoned warehouse. We almost lose Yaz and Emma… and this is our reward?” Ryan pulled a face that made me laugh.

“Hey! You haven’t even seen it yet!” The Doctor looked offended, seemingly not as effected by the cold as we were, but still donning her rainbow scarf.

“We can bloody feel it,” Graham muttered, and the Doctor mock scowled at him.

She clapped her hands. “Let’s go!”

We all followed her out of the ship, all of wearing winter clothes. Emma wearing some of my stuff that I had borrowed her. I wiggled my fingers in my mittens, testing my ability to still use them, before my booted feet crunched under thick snow and the world lit up into a world of white.

“Wow,” I murmured. “What is this place? It’s beautiful.”

“A little planet known as Vastronae.” The Doctor beamed at me, looking chuffed.

There were snowy trees everywhere, big, tall trees and as far as the eye could see it was snowy. A vast snowy sheet that lay over everything, sparking in the sun – wait… was it a sun? – either way it was light and bright here. There were mountainous regions further away, lining the sky. Other than the numerous trees and small hills around us, I couldn’t see much else.

“Looks like Earth during the Ice Age,” Ryan muttered, rubbing his hands over his arms made puffy from his coat.

“Your planet regarding its landscape isn’t that unique,” the Doctor started before frowning to herself. “Except the people. You humans are special.” She made brief eye contact with me, her hazel eyes skimming over mine, and it was enough that I felt a tug in my chest.

“I like it,” Emma said quietly.

“Wait until you see where we’re going!” The Doctor was excited, and when she took a few steps back to take hold of my gloved hand, pulling me next to her, suddenly I was too.

She crunched over the snow and I watched it glisten in the light. It didn’t have the same glow as our sun. This was a little too orange, and it made my eyes feel funny for a bit.

Still clutching the Doctor’s hand, amongst more trees and hills, I caught the sight of a cabin. And another. Suddenly lots of cabins poking out from the white and green like brown sore thumbs, chimney’s giving off a tiny bit of smoke.

“Are we?-“ I was cut short by the Doctor looking my way, showing her teeth in a gorgeous grin.

“Yep!” She took off at a run.

I struggled to keep up with her, the snow causing my steps to feel sluggish and laboured, her hand literally yanking me along.

“Why are you running?” Graham shouted and I heard his loud sigh.

I heard Emma laugh and I hastily spun around, the world a blur of white until I saw the others, dots of colour against the landscape, link arms and smile.

As the Doctor slowed her run to a fast walk, snow covering the bottoms of her bare legs, I noticed as a world seemed to emerge from the world of white. There were cabins, some solitary and large, some smaller and grouped together, their dark wood a contrast to the trees bordering them in. There was road ahead, the snow melted and trodden into the earth, and lining the road were stalls. From what I could see there was food stalls mostly, with other things like hot drinks and beautiful crystal statues on another. There were barrels letting off flames like wardens guarding this little area of magic. The people milling around were of several different races, some of them scaly with tails, some of them blue with small horns. There were lights that hung above the road, trailing from post to post. I couldn’t even imagine what this looked like at night.

And then we turned the corner and it was incredible. This is what I imagined the North Pole would look like as a child. It felt cut off from everywhere else, the little village built in between the looming trees, like a safe border. The road was bigger here, more cabins and stalls lined the roads but off to my right there was a corral full of weird animals that I had never seen before. There were harnesses and sledges next to a shed which was near the corral, so I assumed they were a means of travel. They looked like a cross between an antelope and a horse, but much more regal. They were tall, with cloved feet framed with feathers, long striped legs, and a long, strong neck that held its dainty head that was topped with massive horns. They curved up to a sharp point, making them seem powerful. They were stunning, some with shades of purple, others were tan, and then there were some dark ones, like coal. Each one had an intelligence and dignity about their eye, like they were more than mere animals.

“What _are_ those?” I asked the Doctor in awe, one of them swishing their tiny fluffy tail.

“Corbuks,” the Doctor answered, still holding my hand tightly. “They’re one of the many wonders of this planet. Very smart animals, and yet, still happy to be used as a means of travel. They’re mostly used for sledge pulling, but if you’re brave and a skilled rider, you can ride them,” she smiled down at the wonder that I was sure was plastered on my face. “They’re very fast.” She added.

“Can you imagine getting to ride one of those?” I gasped as one of the Corbuks seemed to eye me with its tiny, beautiful eye.

“Amazing,” the Doctor breathed, and I watched as her pink lips parted gently as her gorgeous gaze studied the animals.

I wanted to kiss her then, the urge overwhelming. She was so beautiful in that moment. Hair sitting imperfectly, framing her pale face, cheeks tinged pink from the cold, eyes glittering, and those lips… I felt a pull from down below and bit my lip against the sudden and unexpected emotion.

When her eyes made contact with mine, flicking from the Corbuks straight at me, I watched as her eyes darkened, her gaze becoming heavier, charged. Almost like she felt it too. My heart was hammering, and at that moment, I swore that I had never seen anything more stunning in my life, not even the Corbuks behind us could compare.

“Oi!” Ryan shouted. “Finally waiting for us are ya?” I tore my eyes away from her unwillingly, squinting against the bright snow towards his voice. “How stunning is this place? It’s sick!”

“This is stunning, Doc,” Graham panted as they neared us, tired from the fast walking.

“It is,” the Doctor agreed.

“Wow! What are those?” Emma said, cautiously eyeing a purple Corbuk that was close to the fence, shaking its head, horns massive but beautiful.

“Corbuks,” I answered proudly. “Beautiful, smart and fast.”

“We ain’t riding them, are we?” Graham muttered.

The Doctor tugged my hand, smiling. “There’s more. Come on!”

We walked further along the path. There were a few people who waved at us, sitting on cabin steps with a hot drink or warming themselves by the barrel fires. There were some people tending to the stalls, some of the food smelling funny, trying to tempt us to try. But the Doctor wanted to show us something, her strides purposeful.

As we walked up the road, I saw as we neared the edge of a hill, some trees were on the edge of it, but there was enough gap to see what was beyond when we got there, sitting at the bottom.

It was a ginormous ice rink, pond, whatever it was. There were a few people skating on it already, some children spinning around and laughing. There was a steady path down, snowy hills closing the area in almost like it was sitting in basin and this village was looking down on it.

To the right there was another cabin, I could see from here it had a window facing the ice rink. There was something behind it, but I couldn’t see from here.

“This is-“ Emma started.

“Really awesome,” Ryan finished, both gasping along with Graham.

The Doctor turned, giving us a grin that could’ve stopped my heart. “I’m not done yet.”

“Wha?-“ Graham started, but she took off with me in hand, down the hill towards the rink.

We skirted by, watching as people slid around gracefully and children slipped all over the place. There were lights hanging around the ice and, once again, I couldn’t wait to see this at night.

We walked past the cabin, which I could see through the window was a restaurant. There were signs which noted that there were toilet and shower facilities there too. I was about to ask why until we made it past the cabin, and I eyed the sight in front of me, drinking it all in.

It was a large hot spring. The water was bubbling gently, framed by granite rocks, and there was steam that rose up from the water. The hills that surrounded the spring and the rink, and the cabin separating the two, made it feel like it was secluded. There were two women sitting in the spring.

“Come on in! Water’s great!” One of them, light blue skinned, beckoned.

“Maybe later,” the Doctor replied, grinning. “Still showing them around.”

“Definitely later,” Ryan muttered, making Emma laugh.

On the walk back into the village proper the Doctor looked down at me, nudging me gently.

“Do you like it?” Her voice was quiet, like her question was only for me.

“Doctor,” I stuttered, not knowing how to express the beauty of what I had seen. “It’s incredible.”

She gently squeezed my hand which set my stomach swirling. “I thought you would.”

“What makes a hot spring, Doctor?” Emma asked. “I heard they’re good for you.”

The Doctor slowed our pace so they could get closer to us. “A hot spring is a natural occurrence in planets with a hot crust. This one, because it’s lithosphere is so cold, the warmth from the planet’s crust has caused quite a few of them to crop up. They’re lovely and warm, though some can be so hot you can die,” I watched Emma’s face pale. “But that one is perfectly safe, of course. The minerals, specifically sodium bicarbonate and calcium, is very good for circulation _and_ the hot water soothes the skin and muscles. So, it’s a win, win.”

“ _Uhhhhhh_ ,” Ryan groaned. “Yes please.”

“That’ll do wonders for me back,” Graham said wistfully.

“One more thing.” The Doctor smiled again.

“Another?” I looked into her smiling face, the cold air only serving to plump her lips and brighten her features more.

“Well, we have to sleep somewhere!” She was about to take off at a run before I yanked her back, her face questioning.

“We don’t have as much energy as you,” I explained gently.

“Sorry, excited,” she blabbed, walking briskly back around the rink and up the hill to the village proper. “I just _love_ it.”

We turned a sharp left just as we got to the top of the hill and made towards a small cabin nestled just off from the path, trees framing the cabin like it did to the entire village. The Doctor walked right up to the stairs, opened the door, strode right in.

We followed her in, wiping our wet shoes on the door mat, feet tapping on the wooden floors. It was small, but beautiful. There were three doors leading off of the main room, I assumed the bathroom and two bedrooms. On the left half of the room was the kitchen area, light woods and pastel colours were dominant, the counter tops a pale blue.

The other half of the room held a pale sofa and armchair, with stacked bookshelves, lamps and rugs. Patterned curtains on the small windows and pictures hanging around on the wood walls made it feel super homely.

“This is ours?” I gasped.

The Doctor glanced my way. “For now.”

“I love it,” Emma said dreamily.

Ryan walked in and dropped himself on the armchair. “I could get used to this.”

Graham followed suit. “Me too, son.”

I walked forward towards the three doors collected in the middle of the room and checked each one out. The left one had a bedroom with two single beds, decorated in the same homely pastel vibe. The middle room was the only bathroom complete with a toilet and shower, and the right room was another pastel room with two single beds. A mirror of the first.

A part of me felt upset that there was no double bed. I wanted so much sleep with her. I pulled a face as I came out.

“Something wrong, Yaz?” the Doctor asked, frowning as she noted my expression.

“Only four beds?” I lied.

“I don’t need one.” She reminded me gently.

“Oh yeah.” Of course, I knew that already, I just wanted so badly to lie with her.

Graham, Ryan and Emma were mucking around on the sofas, and me, still fully clad in my winter clothes decided to go back outside.

“Going to have another look around,” I announced, but Graham, Ryan and Emma were now pillow fighting with the sofa pillows and the Doctor was busy torn between reprimanding them or joining in.

I wondered out, trampling down the steps and turning left into the village proper. I wondered slowly down the road, taking it all in. Every time I walked passed the burning barrels, I had a pleasant warmth pass over me. I glanced up at the lights that hung between stalls and posts. The sun was beginning to set, and it was giving off a strong orange glow.

I watched as people went about their day. Some of them looked human, some alien looking, but nothing shocked me anymore. Everyone just seemed so happy, drinking, eating and just enjoying life, making the best of this freezing climate.

I was bee-lining for the Corbuks, still fascinated, when a voice stopped me.

“Try this?”

The voice belonged to a friendly faced man offering me some food that was unrecognisable to me. It looked like some sort of wrap or burrito.

“Meat?” I asked, since that was a tricky subject for me.

“No meat,” he replied, smiling, offering the food to me.

I gratefully took it from him, taking a tentative bite, and it was delicious. It was like an explosion of flavour cascaded over my tongue at the first bite.

“Wow, that’s incredible,” I said, still chewing.

“Thank you!” He offered me a proud smile, bowing slightly, already starting to make some more behind his stand.

I felt a pressure on the small of my back, spinning around to see the Doctor.

“I see you’ve found the food.” She gently teased.

I offered her the last of my sample. “Try that.”

She took it from me, popping it into her mouth and chewing. Her eyes widened at the taste.

“That’s very nice, sir!” She smiled at the guy looking pleased behind the stall.

“Thank you, madam.” He grinned at her.

“We’ll take five of them please.” She rummaged in one of her coat pockets and pulled out a currency that I had never seen before. It was gold and glinted in the setting sun.

While we waited, I turned to face it, scrutinising the colour and its difference to Earth’s sun. This one seemed more brilliant. I felt an arm wrap gently around me, a hand settling on my waist. My breathing spiked, and despite us having been so intimate, these small touches still set my world on fire.

The Doctor made me feel like a sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this fic has just revealed just how much I'm crushing on Jodie.


	21. Every Word

“This is really good!” Ryan said, his mouth full of food.

We were all eating those delicious wraps in the cabin. Ryan, Graham and Emma were all sitting on the sofa, leaving me in the armchair. The Doctor was sitting on the arm of the chair beside me.

“It is. Thanks again, cockle,” Graham added, wiping his mouth and looking towards me.

“I found it on accident,” I replied. “Though I bet all the food here is amazing.”

“It’s all so different yet so familiar,” Emma pondered, eyeing her food with curiosity.

“Ah! The grand wonders of the universe,” the Doctor smiled looking down at me before taking a bite of her own.

All of our winter clothes were hanging by the door. Everyone had felt warm enough to sit without coats and such. There was a small heater in the corner of the cabin letting off a wonderful heat.

“What are we doing for the rest of the day?” Ryan asked, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

I looked out the window, as did the Doctor, and noted the orange glow dimming in the horizon.

“I don’t think there’s much of the day left,” she commented. “There’s always tomorrow though.” She added with a smile.

“I can’t wait for the hot spring,” Graham said, causing everyone but me to nod in agreement.

“I want to see the Corbuks. I kind of want to ride one,” I said proudly.

The Doctor stopped mid bite to look at me, eyes wide. “Yaz, you can’t ride one of those!”

I shrugged. “Can’t be that hard, can it?”

The Doctor looked startled. “Contrary to popular belief, you actually need lots of lessons and practice before you hop on to an animal. You might get away with little training on a placid, well trained horse, but even then, it’s a stupid thing to do. Corbuks need a confident and well-balanced rider.”

I looked up at her, leg draped over the arm of my chair. “Can you ride?”

“I can, but that’s besides the point.” She confirmed.

I just nodded, filing that information away to use tomorrow. “Never-mind then,” I smiled sweetly at her and her eyebrow rose up questioningly but otherwise she said nothing.

“I think we should ice-skate,” Emma chimed in, her long hair draped over her shoulders.

“No way! I’m rubbish!” Ryan argued.

“Oh, please!” She begged, putting her wrap down and hanging onto his arm.

This started a war between them, as Emma really wanted him to go. Graham rolled his eyes at the pair before looking at me and the Doctor.

“At least you two don’t argue.”

I caught the slight stiffening of the Doctor’s body, her face paling slightly. I felt my heart plummet into my feet. Clearly, she still wasn’t comfortable about the idea of us. I _hated_ it. I thought of the intimacy we had shared, feeling an intense flood of arousal and pain at the memories.

Graham didn’t notice and went back to his food like his comment wasn’t negatively received, but her response plagued me for the rest of the night.

~

After food I went into the left bedroom, needing to have a breather, and to my surprise, Emma followed me in.

“I’m sharing with you, is that okay?” She asked, tying her long hair into a ponytail.

“Not Ryan?” I asked before smiling. “But of course, I don’t mind.”

“Well, it’s still early days, and all so…” she answered, blushing slightly as she sat on her bed, stroking the blue sheets.

I sighed. “I know what you mean.” I followed suit and sat on mine, facing her.

“I thought you and the Doc were okay now?”

“I thought so too,” I muttered, sighing. “She told me she doesn’t regret what happened between us, and she’s been great with me, though nothing romantic has passed between us. But when Graham made a comment about us a couple, she freaked a bit. I just don’t know how to feel.”

“After what I’ve witnessed of the situation-“

I cut her off, blushing and putting my hands up in embarrassment. “So sorry about that. Again.”

She shrugged it off. “It’s fine. Anyway, from what I’ve seen, it’s going to take awhile for her to adjust.”

“Well why did she…” I stopped, trying to think of an un-obscene word to describe what passed between us. “Why did she, you know, _do_ me then?”

Emma laughed, hearty and sweet. “I think that was hormones and lust.”

“And love,” I muttered, thinking. I looked up at Emma’s questioning face. “I was inside her head, and she told me that was why. Love.”

“Never question that she does love you, Yaz. That much is obvious even from the outside.”

“I know, but it doesn’t stop me from being hurt and confused.”

She shrugged. “Take it slow. Relationships are complicated. Especially with an alien.”

I made eye contact with her and burst out laughing, like we were teenagers laughing about school boy crushes. It felt good to let go.

~

The rest of the evening passed quite quietly. Graham and the Doctor were reading, the latter now in my armchair. And Ryan and Emma had gone off for a walk together.

I was in the kitchen area, having just finished tidying up our food mess from earlier, when I found myself moving towards the Doctor who was engrossed in her reading. I tried spying the cover of her book, but it was illegible to me.

“Wildlife of Vastronae,” she answered my unasked question looking up from her book.

“Sounds interesting,” I replied.

I sat on the arm of the chair and was surprised when she shuffled slightly away from me, putting one arm around my waist and pulling me down next to her. Our bodies were pressed tight against each other’s, her arm around my waist, reaching for her book around me. I struggled to relax for a moment, but it felt natural to lie my head against her chest. I rested my hand on her stomach, and she didn’t comment when I took hold of some of the fabric of her shirt for comfort. She was so warm and smelt so divine that I could feel my body reacting to her the moment we connected.

“It’s very interesting,” she murmured.

I was worried, after her earlier comment, that she wouldn’t want to be like this with me. Some of my doubts flew away, wanting to enjoy this moment. I turned my head, pressing my face slightly into her chest, feeling the softness of her breasts as well as the hardness of her collarbones, the smell of her skin…

“Read it to me,” I asked gently.

“There’s a bit on Corbuks if you want me to read that part?“ Her voice was quiet, gentle.

I nodded into her. “Yes, please.”

I closed my eyes as she spoke, just feeling the vibration of her voice in her neck and chest, as well as gorging myself on the beautiful sound of it. I didn’t want to move. Ever. I was so warm and content, breathing her in. Her arm protective around my waist, feeling the muscles in her arm twitch every time she turned a page or rearranged the book. It reminded me of how it twitched when her fingers were-

Let’s not think about that.

I felt so comforted and so serene. I tightened the fist that held her shirt and moved my face up to nuzzle slightly into her neck, trying to get closer if that were possible. I wanted so badly to kiss her collar bones. To kiss her hot skin. To feel her under my lips. I tried hard to silence my libido and just be happy with the touch we were sharing, but it was hard to not want more.

To her credit, if I was putting her off her reading, she didn’t show it. Instead, when I moved my face from her neck and rested it back onto her upper chest, the Doctor still reading quietly, I saw Graham smiling so beautifully at us that I felt my heart swell at his approval.

 “Comfy?” He asked gently, smiling over his own book.

I nodded, feeling proud of my connection with the Doctor, who had stopped reading.

“You see, Yaz? Corbuks are very temperamental and need an experienced rider,” she said quietly, her voice vibrating gently.

“Ummm,” I muttered, no longer caring, snuggling into her chest, marvelling silently at the softness of her breasts against my cheek, a familiar tingling fire between my legs which was only getting worse the longer I lay there.

Her heartbeats were rapid, but other than that, she didn’t exude any sign of my proximity affecting her at all. Her quick pulse was allowing a flower of hope to grow in my chest.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” I asked gently.

“No, of course not, Yaz.” Her voice held a hint of something. I hoped to god that it was arousal and not nerves.

I pulled myself up off her chest, holding my own weight to look up at her. “I can stop being so full-on, sometimes I can’t help it,” I blushed hard, feeling hurt and let down, especially after her reaction earlier.

“Yaz. I mean it. It’s fine,” she answered quietly, giving me a smile, but I couldn’t get her earlier reaction out of my head.

I nodded, lying my head back on her chest, so close to her breasts. My raging libido wanted to cup them, to feel them in my hands, and I squeezed my eyes shut, chastising myself.

It seemed I wanted so much, and the Doctor so little.

With her book put down, her arm that was curled around my waist found its tentative place on my stomach. I drew in a breath, heart hammering, at the quiet touch, curling my hand into her shirt again.

I closed my eyes, focusing on her erratic two hearts, pumping away together, forever fascinated with this incredible woman. I never wanted this moment to end.

“Find out anything interesting?” Graham asked the Doctor.

“Yes, there are some beautiful fireflies here. Twice the size of the ones on Earth! I love fireflies. These ones are hard to find though. Might have a look later.”

Her voice sounded louder with my ear to her chest. I could hear her intakes of breath, her chest rising and falling with her words.

I’m not sure when, but I fell asleep to the smell, feel and sound of her.

~

A flash of blue in between tall trees. A flicker of blonde hair. An orange glow in her hand.

The Doctor bathed in moonlight.

And she was running away from me. Hazel eyes glanced back, my feet pounding the floor of the forest as I chased after her. Surely, she knew it was me?

“Doctor!” I screamed. “It’s me! Where are you going?”

But she only ran faster, until I couldn’t keep up, panting and clutching my ribs where a stitch felt like it was tearing a hole in my side.

“Doctor!” I screamed, voice tearing from the desperation. “Please don’t leave me!” I sobbed.

But she had disappeared, lost in the trees and the soft moonlight.

I jumped awake, feeling something very warm and soft pressed next to me. My eyes shot open as I heard another’s breathing alongside my own.

“Doctor!” I yelled, almost crying with relief when I saw her, reality flooding back.

We were still on the armchair, the Doctor sprawled out on her back, me cuddled into her side. It was dark in the cabin and we were alone. She was asleep, which was unlike her.

“Yaz?” She mumbled, blinking her eyes, her arm that was still around my waist pulling me tighter. She must have noticed a look on my face, because suddenly she was wide awake and pulling herself upright. “Yaz, are you alright?” Her brow furrowed in concern, her eyes soft.

“I’m sorry to wake you,” I started, feeling kind of bad. “Nightmare.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she murmured, voice soft. “I’m not tired. I only slept because I ran out of things to read and talk about. I was going to go out and scout for some fireflies, but I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Doctor, it was alright, I would’ve gone to bed I-“ I stopped rambling, feeling stupid. “Thank you.”

“What was your dream about?” She asked gently.

I lay my head back on her chest. “Us.”

I felt her intake of breath. “Anything good?”

“No. You ran away from me.” I answered honestly.

“Yaz. I would never-“

“It’s just a dream,” I shrugged. I pulled myself off her chest again to look at her. “Are you sure about us?” I asked quietly, wanting to know if she was as serious about us as I am.

“Honestly, I feel like I’m not even in control of the situation anymore, Yaz. I tried to keep a tight rein on it, and then we ended up…” Her face flushed slightly. “I feel like I’m not in control of myself when I’m around you.”

I wasn’t sure if I felt more or less comforted by her reply, and my hearts sped up, fear settling in the pit of my stomach.

“But that’s a good thing, right?” I probed gently.

“Love abides in the face of everything,” she muttered gently. “Of course it is.”

I stared at her, an enigma. Her eyes were glittering in the low light that permeated the cabin through the windows. Her face was soft and gentle, lips slightly parted, breath sweet.

“Can I kiss you?” I whispered.

I heard her intake of breath and her breathing increase. A hint of fear plagued her eyes but was overlapped with soft determination, her face softening as she licked her lips. She brought her hand gently to my face, rubbing my cheek with her thumb.

“I, erm, I’m-“

I cut her off, gently pushing my lips into hers. She sighed softly which ignited a flame within me that quickly grew into a raging inferno. Her lips were so soft, her saliva so sweet, moving gently with mine. Breaking the kiss, I gently ran the tip of my tongue over her lips, which caused her to moan so softly it was almost inaudible. I felt like she had stoked the fire in between my legs.

“You taste so sweet,” I whispered to her.

Her breathing was heavy, caressing my face. “Yaz,” her voice sounded pained and full of emotion as she rested her forehead against mine and closing her eyes.

I suddenly felt my heart slip, fear dimming my arousal. “I can stop if you don’t like it,” I answered, though it pained me to even think for a second that she wasn’t enjoying this as much as I was.

She opened her eyes, a fire in them that I had only seen a few times before. “It scares me how much I like it.”

I felt my arousal flood back in full force, my chest welling with emotion. “Oh,” I muttered dumbly, unable to think straight after her confession. “That’s good, that’s really goo-“

I was cut off by her lips on mine. I responded instantly, moaning into the kiss. Her hand moved from my cheek and into my hair, nails scraping on my scalp. Fuck. Her other hand that was still resting on my waist gently squeezed the skin there. My body felt like it was going to explode, my centre burning.

“Doctor,” I muttered in between a kiss as she took control of my lips.

I pulled myself onto her lap, straddling her, never breaking our animalistic kiss. The Doctor’s hand moved lower on my waist. I flicked my tongue over her lips, asking for her to let me in, and she did. It was hot and so wet in her mouth. I wondered if this is what she would feel like if I tasted her pussy right now. I moaned softly at the thought, rocking my hips gently.

The kiss suddenly ended, my hips coming to a stop, frustrated. “Yaz,” the Doctor panted, eyes dark and hooded.

I was breathing heavily, and I felt like my whole body was burning as I looked at her questioningly and hungrily.

“We can’t do this,” she muttered, running a hand through her hair, blonde strands flicking back into place.

“Why?” I whispered, dropping my head to rest it on her shoulder, breathing her in.

“Just… not here, not now,” she whispered down my ear, slim fingers softly moving my hair away from said ear.

I didn’t respond, feeling a little let down, wondering if she didn’t like it as much as I thought she did. I felt those same soft fingers move from my hair, down to caress my face before moving slowly to cup my chin, pulling my head up. Her eyes were shimmering, and she looked so beautiful. I felt a trickle of wetness leave me as I shuffled slightly on top of her.

With her hand still cupping my chin, she placed a sweet and gentle kiss on my lips, holding for a second, before pulling away.

“Yes, I did love that,” she muttered. “Too much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love these two <3 in my head they're totally canon.  
> Sorry for the late upload, I've just brought home a new pet! A gorgeous Vienna Blue bunny to pair with my English Lop x female. He's doing so well settling in but I can't let them live together until he's neutered so that's more of my time.   
> I'm also finishing university next week forever! Eeek!   
> I think I've done rather well keeping this fic regularly updated since Jan.   
> Anyway, there's my life for anyone who cares haha.  
> As always, thank you for reading. <3


	22. Unless It's With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally used the fact that I ride horses to help with this chapter. I thought it'd be a cute way for the Doc and Yaz to bond while also raising awareness of how beautiful riding is - a lot of people think it's a domination thing, and that riders just sit there, but it's so much more than that. 
> 
> Also, so sorry for the delay in this chapter. If you live in the UK then you know how gorgeous the weather has been over this bank holiday weekend and I've totally been making the most of it! Thanks for being patient guys.

“Okay, I think I’m regretting this choice,” I muttered, staring up at the purple shaded Corbuk in front of me.

It towered high over me, snorting and tossing its head, complete with its gargantuan horns. It had a bridle and saddle on and was standing next to a mounting block for the Doctor to get on, a stable hand, a thin blue man, was holding its reins.

I’d managed to coerce the Doctor last night into letting me ride one, with the condition that we rode double, since she “knew what she was doing.” They were huge animals, more than capable of holding us both, and the guide who was riding with us agreed.

“You decided you were adamant to ride one,” the Doctor smiled before clambering onto the mounting block, kicking snow off her boots, putting her foot into the stirrup and effortlessly climbing into the saddle.

I just gawked at her, sitting on its broad back, so high up, looking completely relaxed despite putting her trust into an animal that, although beautiful, was frightening. She took the reins into one hand, and the stable hand let go of them. I waited for the Corbuk to wander off, but it didn’t, and instead waited patiently for orders.

“Come on then!” The Doctor smiled, holding her hand out to me.

“Oh, shit,” I muttered, stepping towards the mounting block, treading carefully through the snow.

“Honestly, Yaz, it’ll be great. These are perfectly trained animals, the only way they would hurt us is by accident, never on purpose.”

“Not helping, Doctor.” I clambered onto the block, warily eyeing the animal who was just standing patiently.

Since the Doctor’s feet were in the stirrups, the stable hand came around and gave me a leg up.

“One, two, three,” he encouraged.

I bounced with his counting and then pushed myself up, the Doctor grabbed me gently and helped to settle me in front of her. It was a little squishy in the saddle together, but I really didn’t mind. She wrapped her arms around me, taking the reins, threading them through her ring and little finger, and then out again by her thumbs, the excess rein lying against the Corbuk’s neck.

The animal shifted its weight and I tensed, grabbing the Doctor’s arm. It was such a strange feeling.

“You’re okay,” the Doctor said down my ear, and I felt goose bumps prickle my entire body as she did so. “You’ll get used to it. It is peculiar to someone who’s never ridden before.”

I just nodded, scared, the only thing keeping me from bolting was the Doctor’s arms around my waist, my body pressed against her front. Since she was taller than me, she had no problem seeing over my shoulder.

“Ready guys?” The guide, a slim, pale woman with slightly pointed ears under her orange hair, asked. “I’m Serena, this is Wen’lor, he’s my favourite,” she smiled as she patted her beautiful white Corbuk. “And you’re on Shenri. She’s a good girl, she’ll keep you safe.” Serena smiled at me, and I tried to smile back through my nerves.

“Yep!” The Doctor said, fiddling her reins ever so slightly. “Come on, Shenri!”

I watched the white Corbuk take off at a slow walk, it’s massive cloven feet carving through the snow with ease. And then suddenly Shenri was moving.

“Wow, Doctor,” I said, gripping her arm tightly. “This is weird.”

Shenri’s entire body was moving, rocking me and the Doctor gently from side to side. Even from up here, her strides were massive. I could feel the power in her muscles each time she took a step. It was definitely something to get used to.

“Relax, Yaz,” the Doctor said as we progressed away from the stables and was edging into the forest right next to them. “You have to move with Shenri not against her. Keep your legs still, sit up straight, but always keep a soft back and loose hips. Move with her.”

I tried what she said, and it was easy with the Doctor behind me, allowing me to relax. I watched as her hands moved gently forwards and backwards with Shenri’s head as she walked.

“Everyone alright?” Serena asked, turning to face us.

Her confidence in the saddle was evident. She rode with one hand, the other resting on her thigh, as she moved effortlessly with Wen’lor.

“I love it!” The Doctor garbled from over my shoulder. “It’s beautiful, connecting with an animal in this way. Though I’ve rode some unsavoury little beasts. The Gorganites from Yenedar were _awful_. They tried to turn me to stone you know!”

I chuckled at her, starting to relax as I got used to Shenri’s movements. I peered over her to look at the floor, which was suddenly so far away, snow kicking up from under her massive feet. I looked around as we entered the forest, the trees becoming thick, and it was a beautiful way to see the world.

I looked down at the Doctor’s hands, moving steadily with Shenri’s head. “Do you do that so you don’t hurt her?” I asked, nodding to her hands.

“In a way, yes. I do it so that I can feel her, and she can feel me. The bit in their mouth allows us to silently communicate. When we’re connected gently, when the reins are taught enough so that we can feel each other, but not tight that they’re pulling her mouth, that’s called a contact. You want that gentle contact at all times. So, to avoid hurting her and to keep our communications open, I relax my elbows and let her guide my arms.” She answered gently.

“This is way more complicated than I thought,” I admitted.

“Anyone can jump on an animal and yank it around, but only idiots do that. You want to connect with your animal, to work together, never to dominate. It’s a shame, Yaz, that so many people do the latter.” Her voice was low, reflective.

As we progressed more into the forest, I was starting to relax, finding Shenri’s movements, and probably the Doctor pressed up behind me and her hands around my waist, calming. I reached down and pressed my palm into her pale purple fur, the hairs thick, her hide warm. She suddenly snorted then, tossing her head as she did, huge horns moving with her, close to my face, and it made me jump.

The Doctor laughed down my ear, a delightful sound, and coupled with the gorgeous scenery and the beauty of riding Shenri, I felt really alive, happy, like a flower was blossoming in my chest.

“How do you steer her?” I asked, watching as the Doctor’s hands were barely moving.

“My legs,” she answered. “I just nudge her in the way I want her to go.”

“And she listens?” I asked, amazed.

“Animals are so fascinating and wonderful, Yaz.”

I was beginning to understand the Doctor’s respect for all life. The more of the universe I saw, the more I realised how many wonderful species share our importance. We started walking up a steep hill, Shenri’s strong legs having no trouble, her foot falls steady and even. Wen’lor was almost lost in the snow ahead of us, if not for the black stripes on his thick legs, as he walked up the hill with hardly any effort.

“Lean forward,” the Doctor said down my ear, breath warm as she gently pushed me forward with her own body, breasts pressing into my back, the rest of her body pressing so hard against mine, I couldn’t help but feel so damn turned on.

When we got to the top, and Shenri levelled out, I wiggled my bum to get comfortable, maybe being a little too overzealous and pushing my arse into the Doctor’s centre, which was easy when her legs were spread open.

I couldn’t miss her intake of breath and the small sigh that escaped her mouth, breath tickling my ear.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, though I really wasn’t. “Trying to get comfy.”

“S’okay,” she muttered.

I felt pleased that I could get such a reaction from her, and I wanted so badly to touch her, to let her touch me. Man, I really need to get laid.

Serena span her elegant head around to look at us, Wen’lor’s ears pricked forward, a spring in his step. There was a straight path ahead, the gap between the trees widening.

“Ready to go faster?” She asked. “Only a trot.”  

I gripped the Doctor’s arm, arousal nudged into the back of my mind. “What?!”

“It’ll be really bouncy, just relax, alright?” She said down my ear before shortening her reins, putting them both into one hand, and wrapping her free arm across my stomach, gripping my waist, pulling me tight to her.

I heard Serena shout something, too nervous to be paying attention, and then Shenri’s body sprang forward, jolting me in the saddle, the Doctor gripped me tighter as we bounced up and down and Shenri’s feet skipped over the snow with ease. The Doctor’s hips moved gently with Shenri’s movements, but I was all over the place.

“Relax, Yaz, and you’ll bounce less,” she said, her hips grinding into my backside made it hard to think of relaxing, especially as her breasts were also rubbing my back, soft and warm.

It wasn’t supposed to be, but it was super sexy.

I closed my eyes willing myself to relax, but it was hard when I was bouncing everywhere with nothing to hold onto. Shenri’s head was steady, the Doctor’s reins still in her hands as she trotted on. Wen’lor’s legs in front looked graceful, a beautiful cadence in his movements, Serena rising and falling perfectly with him, not bouncing at all. She put her hand up and we slowed back to a walk.

Relief flooded my body, finding the trot uncomfortable, and not knowing how much more I could take of the Doctor’s hips and tits rocking into me. I gestured to Serena.

“Why couldn’t we have done what she was doing?”

“That’s called a rising trot, Yaz. You push your body weight up and down with the animal’s movements, it takes a lot of practice to get right and we couldn’t do that with both of us up here. Sitting trot can be mastered, it just takes more balance and practice. Most people do a rising trot because it’s easier.”

“I didn’t like that,” I muttered.

“It takes some getting used to.”

I could get used to the Doctor rubbing me like that, though. I felt a little delirious with so much of her.

The rest of the ride went steadily, and as we neared the corral ready to get off, I conceded to the Doctor that riding was much more complex than I first thought.

“Told ya,” she said, voice husky and mocking, down my ear.

Her hot breath meant that her taunting words just sent a flood of heat through my body instead of the intended annoyance. Shenri had stopped in the corral, Serena and Wen’lor slightly ahead of us.

“You okay, guys? Nice ride?” She asked.

“Brilliant!” I heard the Doctor’s smile in her voice. “Off you get then.” Her words sent another flood of heat to my core, warm breath caressing my ear.

A part of me wanted to stay here, feeling the Doctor’s body pressed into mine. I had loved feeling her so close like this.

I looked down over Shenri’s side as she shuffled slightly, spying her massive furry feet so far away. It was a long way down. “This is gonna be fun,” I muttered sarcastically.  

“I’ve got you.” The Doctor placed her hands on my waist, guiding me as I swung my leg over and gently lowered myself to the ground.

I landed, my legs shaking slightly, crunching in the snow. I gazed at Shenri, the majestic Corbuk, and patted her soft purple fur.

“Thanks, babe, for the amazing ride.”

The Doctor swung off her in a swift motion, her coat tails fanning, making her seem as regal as the Corbuks as she landed on the ground softly and with little effort.

“So Shenri is your babe now?”

I laughed. “Yeah, she was amazing.” The Doctor frowned, squinting her beautiful eyes at me. “Don’t tell me that you’re jealous of the Corbuks?” I teased.

“A little.”

The look in her eyes, fierce and dark, made me flood with lust which left me struggling. It was like she had taken my breath, cupped it in her sweet hands, and was tempting me to go and get it. The spell was broken when she finally spoke, breaking her heavy gaze and smiling like she hadn’t just been holding my fragile heart.

“Let’s get back, the boys and Emma are probably wondering where we are.”

~

“I’m never getting on a donkey, never mind one of those things,” Graham muttered.

We had gotten back to the cabin and had told them all about our ride. They had all just came back from ice skating, Ryan looking a little more than annoyed.

“It’s probably easier than ice-skating,” he muttered.

“I’m sorry Ryan, I didn’t think it’d be so bad,” Emma admitted.

“It’s not your fault, cockle,” Graham replied. “He’s always like this when he learns something new. It just takes some time, doesn’t it, son?” He looked pointedly at Ryan who was fiddling with his woolly hat.

He nodded solemnly.

The Doctor suddenly stood up, clasping her hands, her coat swishing behind her. “I think we all need a pick-me-up. What do you say?”

Graham perked up, grinning at her. “Fancying a dip in the hot spring?”

“Yes!” Ryan shouted. “Please!” He looked in desperate need of a soak after his traumatic skating experience.

The Doctor graced her eyes over me before locking her gaze with mine. “Sounds amazing,” I smiled.

Her face lit up, like someone had spilled stars and dreams into her smile. “Great! We’ll make a quick trip back to the TARDIS.”

~

I felt super self-conscious. I was in one of the changing cubicles in the hut that sat between the ice rink and the spring. Graham and Ryan had gone into the men’s section, apparently this planet had Earth issues with gender, and the Doctor and Emma were with me. We all went into separate cubicles and I was dressed in my navy bikini, clutching my bag of clothes, too scared to go out.  

“Are you alright, Yaz?” The Doctor’s voice sounded outside my door.

“Fine, Doctor,” I stammered, feeling so stupid for being scared.

I wasn’t usually. I was always quite uncaring about people’s opinions on my body, but the Doctor was not a normal person. Although she’d had her fingers inside me, her seeing me half naked still felt very intimate.

I looked down at my thighs, fretting over tiny moles or barely visible stretch marks – things that were completely normal.

I’m being stupid. Very stupid.

I unbolted the door and walked out, my bag hanging over my shoulder. The Doctor and Emma were standing next to our locker, shoving their bags in.

“Here, Yaz,” Emma, who was dressed in a purple one-piece, long hair tied into a bun, held her hand out for my bag.

“Thanks,” I muttered.

The Doctor, however, made me feel less self-conscious as soon as I laid eyes on her. She was wearing a normal pair of knickers along with her maroon rainbow shirt.

“Doctor? What are you wearing?” I laughed.

She turned to me, frowning. “I had nothing other than male swimming trunks. I thought this would do?”

I stared at her, so much of her long legs on show, thin, muscular and pale. I could feel myself getting warmer at the sight of them. Her knickers were thin and tight, and her arse was just perfect, and judging by how she looked from the front, she definitely had female genitalia. Her shirt was without its white counterpart, and from what I could see, she had no bra underneath, her beautiful sleek shoulders and collarbones on show.

“Erm, it’s fine, Doctor.” The more I looked at her, the more I forgot what I was wearing and struggled to breathe.

It seemed that the Doctor was fond of catching my breath in her hands and running away with it, leaving me gasping for air and choking on love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is almost over but I intend to continue with a sequel since I want to develop Yaz and the Doc's relationship and I totally need to get rid of Emma (sorry Emma!). I'm hoping for it to be another entirely new adventure for Team TARDIS so hopefully I can make it a good one.


	23. I Sleep Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for such a delay!  
> My poor nan is still unwell and I've had so much on.  
> But now I have a couple of months to dedicate to the sequel, as well as a little one-shot that I've almost finished. (Unrelated to this series but I love it!)  
> Enjoy, and a warning ahead for an explicit sex scene.  
> Also guys follow me on Twitter and Tumblr at @thirteensgalaxy

I trailed behind the Doctor and Emma, not being able to help my eyes which trailed up the Doctor’s pale, slender legs. She was so beautiful. I looked down at my own legs, dark and thick, and tried to feel brave and uncaring about them. I usually was.

We were walking out of the lodge and towards the spring. As we neared the door, I could feel the cold draft coming from under it, setting goose bumps along the length of my body.

“It’s freezing!” I complained, rubbing my arms with my hands, feeling my prickly skin.

The Doctor turned and looked at me, hazel eyes softening. “It’ll only be for a bit, and then we’ll be in the spring.”

“They didn’t think this through, did they?” Emma muttered.

“Most residents here are a little more resistant to the cold than you lot, should be okay if we’re quick,” the Doctor said, offering me a genuine smile.

I nodded, gritting my teeth when she put her hand on the door handle. When she pulled it open, it was so cold that it hurt.

“Bloody ‘ell!” I complained.

I could see the spring from here though, so it wasn’t all bad. I saw Graham and Ryan already in it, grinning from ear to ear.

“How did you get in there without freezing to death first?” Emma asked them, shivering.

Graham shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. “Legged it.”

“Screw it, let’s go,” I ran past the Doctor and Emma, and sprinted towards the spring, gasping when my feet left cold tile floor to even colder snow. “Shit!”

Ryan laughed. “Quick, Yaz!”

I squealed as my toes went numb, skipping over the snow, and then I jumped into the spring. It was deeper than I expected, and I went under, the warm water warming my entire body. I was about to pull up, until I saw the most beautiful thing I think I’d ever seen.

The Doctor’s pale legs plummeted into the water next to me, bubbles cascading up and over her skin as she broke the surface. She sunk further, and her shirt was pulled up by the force, and I greedily watched the muscles in her stomach move under firm, beautiful skin. And then her face came into view, and she was smiling, her hazel eyes open and looking into mine, her blonde hair a halo around her. She looked like something truly alien then, like an angel, commanding the water around her.

She was stunning in a way that a human could never be, like the universe was in her eyes, like she had command of it all.

And before I had time to think, to even process the five seconds that just passed me by, she kicked her strong, elegant legs, pushing herself to the top of the water. I almost choked trying to breathe in the water, lungs burning. And then I followed suit, pushing myself up and breaking the water with a splash.

I pushed my hair out of my face, droplets of water visible on my eyelashes until a few blinks removed them. I pushed myself back towards the rock face that was behind the spring, coughing, feeling rocks beneath my feet as the water got shallower, and leant against the outcrop, feeling silly for inhaling water.

“I love a good spring,” the Doctor smiled, using her hands to push her own wet hair out of her face, blonde darkened by the water. “The water’s great!”

Emma agreed, and it was only when I heard her voice did I even realise that she’d entered the spring, oblivious to all but the lithe body which was hovering in the middle, chatting aimlessly, hands gesturing above the water’s surface.

I kept waiting for something to go wrong. I mean, this was all too good to be true. Everything. The whole planet, the people, the cabins… how much fun we were having. I half expected a hostile alien attack. It was maddening. Anxiety had plagued me almost the entire journey, and for good reason, but now we were good… right? It was all over.

Everyone else definitely seemed to be cheerier, smiling and relaxing, almost like they had pushed recent events to the back of their minds. Even the Doctor. Either that or she was good at acting. But I couldn’t forget, even now, as I looked down at my arm under the shimmering, steaming water, there were very faint white lines there. Scars.

I had scars, physical and mental, and I’m not sure how I felt about them.

“You okay, Yaz? You’re a bit quiet?” I looked up to see the Doctor, and now everybody else, staring at me.

I shrugged, offering a smile. “Perfect.”

They all smiled back at me before resuming their conversations, except a pair of hazel eyes. They softened as I looked into them, and she waded through the water towards me, her shirt clinging to her wet skin, leaving little of her body to the imagination.

I gestured to the shirt. “You look ridiculous.”

She grinned, shrugging. “I didn’t feel comfortable in women’s stuff, and I wasn’t wearing men’s stuff either. So, I just wore,” she scrunched her nose up, thinking. “Less stuff?” 

I laughed, but self-consciously submerged my body under the water, allowing it to lap around my shoulders. The Doctor came up beside me, crouching in the water to be at my eye level.

“You okay?” Her voice was soft.

“I feel like you’ve asked me that a lot lately,” I admitted.

“You’ve been through a lot,” she said softly.

“So, have you,” I countered.

She looked at me then, her eyes searching. “I’ve been through worse, much worse. I’m more than okay. Everyone’s alive, happy, and we’re in a beautiful hot spring. That’s a big win.”

I looked towards Ryan and Emma, deep in conversation, and Graham lying with his head back, looking like he was about to doze off if he hadn’t already.

I frowned, thinking of my earlier worries. “Don’t you worry that it’ll just go wrong again? Like a meteor will fall from the sky, or an evil creature will appear out of nowhere and attack us?”

The Doctor frowned, eyeing me gently. “You can’t think like that, Yaz. It’ll drain you.”

“But I can’t help it,” I bit my lip, worrying.

“Time will help,” the Doctor replied gently. “You’ve been through worse than most.”

I shrugged, hoping she was right. I looked to her, smiling gently, glad for her presence and conversation. She made me feel so noticed in such a vast universe, like I really mattered.

“Thank you,” I said softly, looking towards the darkening sky.

“No problem at all. We can’t have an upset Yaz.”

She shuffled closer to me, the water rippling. I felt her skin, silky smooth, brush against mine slightly, causing me to shudder. She re-joined Emma and Ryan’s conversation, and encouraged me to join in too; banishing those awful thoughts from my mind, leaving me with thoughts of what her bare skin would be like pressed entirely against the length of mine.

~

“Catch, Doctor!” Ryan said, throwing the ball at her.

She jumped up to reach it, her shirt coming up to expose the perfect plains of her stomach, the rest of it plastered to her body from the water.

I couldn’t help but look every time it happened.

“Here, Yaz!” The soft ball came flying past me, and it took me a moment to register that anything had even happened, the ball landing next to me with a splash, bobbing on the water.

“Sorry,” I shook my head, annoyed at myself. “My mind was away with the fairies.”

“More like away with the Doctor,” Ryan sniggered, and I heard a light smack with a hushed scold from Graham shortly following.

I felt myself blushing, skin turning hot, feeling awkward as I picked up the ball. The Doctor looked at me, her eyes kind and compassionate; a look that I wasn’t sure made me feel better or worse.

“Throw it here, Yaz,” Emma said, smiling and reaching to catch the ball.

I smiled at her, glad for her to break whatever awkwardness had permeated the atmosphere and threw it to her with a laugh.

“Thanks,” I muttered, feeling a little embarrassment ebb away.

She just winked at me, before throwing the ball to Graham, who wasn’t expecting it. “Bloody ‘ell, cockle! Word of warnin’!”

“Yeah, Emma,” Ryan scolded, but he smiled at her, his eyes soft.

I briefly wondered when I could get him back for his Doctor comment and embarrass him about Emma instead.

We played for a while longer, but it was getting late and cold, and we all decided to get out and go back to the cabin.

As Graham, Ryan and Emma climbed out, the Doctor put her hand on my arm as I went to follow. I let myself drop back into the water, turning to face her.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Perfect,” she smiled. “I just want to kiss you.”

I almost died at her confession. I met her lips with a slow, languid kiss, trying to convey in our touches just how much she meant to me. This gorgeous Time Lord that had literally fell into my life and became everything to me.

She pulled away after a while, touching her fingers to her lips. “Don’t think I’ll get tired of that, Yaz,” she smiled.

I could do nothing but smile back at her. I reached my hand out. “Come on, it’s getting cold.”

She took my hand and we ran, laughing, over the snow; squealing as the cold touched our previously very warm feet. We ran into the female changing and shower room laughing, still holding hands. We called for Emma, who waved at us, washed, dressed and was just drying her hair.

“That was quick!” The Doctor commented over the hum of the dryer.

“Well, I wasn’t the ones that stayed behind to have a snog in the spring,” she laughed as me and the Doctor blushed.

We got our things from the lockers before seeing Emma out. We walked over to the shower cubicles, and from what we could see when Emma left, it had gotten dark outside fast.

The shower room was empty, besides me and the Doctor, who had already claimed a shower cubicle for herself, setting her bag down before shutting the door.

I walked into the shower cubicle next to the Doctor’s. It had two halves, the back half was a shower, split in the middle by a small wall, and then the half by the door was a changing area, complete with a seat. It was only when I went to undress after turning my shower on did I realise that I’d not got any shampoo.

I knocked next door on the Doctor’s cubicle, and she opened the door, still dressed in her shirt and pants, smiling cheerily.

“What’s up, Yaz?”

“I don’t have any shampoo; can I borrow yours? I forgot,” I pulled a face, but smiled at her.

“Sure, Yaz,” she ushered me into her cubicle, and I walked in, the door falling half-shut behind me.

She rummaged in her bags, water dripping from her hair and clothes, and me shivering, the water that clung to my body finally turning cold. She pulled out a bottle of strawberry shampoo, and I frowned at it.

“Doctor, that’s mine,” I laughed, taking it from her and examining it just to make sure. It definitely was.

“Sorry, Yaz. I didn’t have any female scented shampoo, and well, yours is just so nice and I didn’t mean to take it, only borrow, I swear I was going to give it back,” she smiled sheepishly at me, her hair dripping, and then she frowned when she noticed my shivers. “You’re cold.”

“It’s okay, Doctor, about the shampoo. I’ll roll it under the cubicle when I’m done, yeah?” I said, words a bit shaky.

As I went to leave, I felt firm fingers wrap gently around my wrist, tugging. I turned to face the Doctor who had a peculiar look on her face, like she was unsure of what she was doing.

Her eyes were dark, and her cheeks were dusted pink. “Stay.”

I swallowed, suddenly nervous. A knot of fear and adrenaline wound its way tight in my stomach, making me feel shaky. She took a step closer to me, reaching over my head to shut the door and bolt it. She didn’t remove her hand as she took another small step closer, the entire length of our wet bodies touching, eyes dark, mouth parted as she breathed heavier than usual.

“Doc-“ I went to say, but was cut off by her lips on mine.

I didn’t know how to react, I mean, this was so unexpected even though it wasn’t the first time the Doctor had taken me by surprise in this way. I thought back to the memory now, her fingers inside me; my body pressed against the console, and moaned into her lips at the thought.

Then I remembered how weird things were after this happened the last time; and how it felt like she had regrets. I pushed her away gently, our lips parting with a wet sound, the Doctor eyeing me curiously, her gaze heavy.

“Are you sure?” I asked, voice pained, arousal turning a little sour, stomach fluttering. “I mean, the last time wasn’t thought out and-“

“This time is different,” her voice sent a thrill through me, heady and intoxicating.

“How?” I questioned.

Our relationship wasn’t labelled. I didn’t know what we were, though I knew what I so desperately wanted us to be. But aside from our post-argument fumble in the TARDIS, a few kisses, and barely any conversation, I still didn’t know where I stood with her.

“Because,” her voice was close to my ear, sending thrills down my spine. “I…,” she tried to speak, stammering, and looking more than a little awkward. “I want you, Yasmin Khan,” I was thrilled at her words, but a little doubt still settled in the back of my mind. She looked my in the eye, steady and sincere. “Trust me.”

I reached up, kissing her, and she instantly sighed into my lips, hands coming to rest around my bare waist. I could feel arousal curling pleasantly in my stomach, knowing what she was capable of.

She pulled away, reaching to move her wet hair our of her eyes, and I noticed her hand shaking.

“Hey,” I whispered gently, taking her shaking hand in mine. “Are you cold?”

She shook her head, worry now present in her eyes which were previously filled with lust. “Not cold.”

I knew she was afraid. When she first took me, it was out of pure arousal; and I didn’t have a say when it came to touching her back. Whenever we’d talked about anything relationship-wise since, and being allowed into her consciousness, it didn’t take a genius to realise that she was terrified.

Of me. Of us. But I was so proud that she was giving us a try. I noticed that this time, rather than being on a whim, raw and full of lust; this time it was considered. The Doctor had thought this through.

“Hey,” I whispered, rubbing soothing circles over her hand. “We don’t have to move this forward.” As much as I wanted to, it had no appeal if the Doctor didn’t want it as well.

We were both shivering from the cold, so I pushed her gently into the shower half of the cubicle and turned the shower on, warm water a relief and a joy for us both.

“But I want to,” she finally answered.

“Then let’s take it slow, yeah?” I replied, dropping her hand and instead, with shaky breaths, unclipping my bikini top, letting it gently fall to the floor.

The Doctor bit her lip, not saying anything as we stood under the shower, the water soaking both our bodies. “You’re beautiful,” the Doctor said, staring unabashedly at me. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before.”

“Doctor, we were not thinking straight when it happened, and we were interrupted. Stop worrying. Believe me, it was still a very, _very_ enjoyable experience for me.”

She nodded, smiling a shaky smile. I sighed, sick of her doubting herself, and pulled her close to me, kissing her soundly. I pushed her gently back against the tiles, me taking charge this time, the Doctor’s bravado apparently out the window.

Her lips were so sexy, I never tired of her taste, of teasing her tongue with mine, of nibbling her lip gently, earning a soft moan from her lips as we parted.

I kissed her neck, and the Doctor’s hands clutched at her own soaked t-shirt, balling it in her fists. The sight of her, head back against the tiles, hands dangerously close to caressing her own breasts, and her thready pulses as I drew in more skin from her neck and gently nibbled, was exquisite. The shower was coating us with gentle warm water, our heads just out of the spray. It made her shirt stick to her breasts, her nipples poking out against the sodden fabric, her own hands grasping for some sort of touch there.

I stopped my nibbling, and gently kissed the marked skin on her neck. I then reached my hand up carefully, like she was made of glass, placing it on her stomach. She took in a sharp breath, and I moved my hand carefully over her belly, noting the strong muscles there. I slowly moved my hands up, feeling her ribs, and then the slight swell of her breast.

I stopped kissing, not wanting to overwhelm her, my breaths erratic on her neck, as I moved my hand fully over one of her breasts, kneading gently.

She shifted herself against the tiles, a frown marring her forehead, bottom lip between perfect teeth, before she opened her mouth and moaned softly.

“Yaz. Yasmin,” her voice was low, and it thrilled me.

I brushed a thumb over a hardened nipple, and her head tipped further back on the tiles, her other hand reaching for her other breast, gripping it hard. The sight of her, of her writhing against the wall, one breast in my hand, the other in her own, was enough to make me flood with arousal, moaning myself.

“Doctor,” I panted.

She opened her eyes, staring at me from under hooded eye lids as she squirmed, flicking her thumb over her own nipple as I did the same to her other. She didn’t relinquish eye contact except for when she groaned softly, eyes rolling back for a second or two.

“Doctor,” I repeated, panting, my lust becoming unbearable. “Touch me, please.”

It was like something shifted in the Doctor. She went from vulnerable to dominating in less than a second. It didn’t surprise me, having seen this side to her already, assuming it was more comfortable for her to touch than to be touched.

She pushed me against the wall, and I gasped as the warm water cascaded down my body. She greedily kissed me; our breasts pressed together. I heard her moan and I whimpered between kisses before she gently took my lower lip into her mouth, sucking gently before letting go. I couldn’t describe the searing heat throughout my entire body, the primal need to just fuck.

For the first time, she ran a hand up my waist, up my ribs, and finally, to where I wanted her; my breasts. I sighed, looking down as her small, pale hands covered my darker breasts, squeezing softly. When I raised my eyes to hers, she was watching me, eyes full of wonder.

“You’re so special, Yasmin,” she whispered, eyes full of passion and an emotion I couldn’t place.

The Doctor had never touched me like this before; she had taken me with her fingers, yes. But she had never appreciated my body the way she was doing now.

“Doctor,” I whimpered as she ran a thumb over my puckered nipple, marvelling at my gasp. I put my hands on the bottom of her sodden shirt. “Can I?”

Worry covered the lust in her eyes, but only for a second, and then she nodded. She released her hold on me, and I carefully peeled the sodden material off her marvellous body. Perfect planes of skin were being revealed every inch I lifted it higher, until it was off her head.

Her nipples were a pale pink, her breasts small and perfect.

I bit my lip, eyes trailing from the muscles of her stomach to the curve of her hips, the swell of her breasts, and the prominence of her collarbones. “You’re so stunning. Definitely alien,” I muttered, laughing a little, not quite believing this was happening.

The Doctor’s cheeks were pink, a small smile on her face. She said nothing, just pulled me gently to her, and as we closed the small distance, our nipples brushed, causing us both to draw in shaky breaths.

“Yaz?” Her face was so close to mine that her breath fanned pleasantly across my face.

“Yes, Doctor,” I replied, voice shaky, body thrumming like a live wire.

“Can I try something?”

Before I had time to answer, she turned the shower off before she gently slid down my body, her nipples dragging across my skin, until she was kneeling before me. She raked her nails gently down my back and across my arse as she went down, before letting her fingers sit at the top of my bikini bottoms.

My breath wouldn’t come quick enough, I was gasping at her. She was so beautiful, kneeling there before me, looking at me like she was about to devour me. I nodded, panting.

“You can take mine off if you take yours off,” I said, hands gripping the tiled wall.

She stood up, and without a thought, yanked her sodden knickers down and tossed them away with a flick of her foot. I took her all in, every single inch of her.

“You’re perfect,” I murmured, feeling a heat raging between my legs, feeling out of control of my own body.

She knelt back down, wrapping her fingers back onto my bikini bottoms and gently pulling them down my legs, fingers stroking my thighs and calves as she went.

I was nervous, exposing myself like this right to her face, but all fears dissipated when she spoke.

“Yasmin Khan; so are you.”

She gently pushed my legs apart, nibbling up my thighs. My legs threatened to give away, so I rested one hand on her shoulder, feeling the muscles move when she did, and the other I dug into the tiles.

When she moved her mouth near my core, I shivered, my entire body feeling out of control. I whimpered when she moved away.

“Doc-“

A long, languid lick up my centre silenced me. And I looked down, unbelieving, at a blonde head between my legs. I watched as she titled her head back to get a good angle, and then her head dipped and-

“Oh my god!” I grunted, squeezing her shoulder tighter, watching as her head moved with her tongue.

The hand that was on the tile moved into her hair, legs shaking after only two licks. I was a mess. She sucked gently on my clit, and my hips thrust of their own violation as I cried out. She stayed with me, sucking softly, my hips gently fucking her mouth.

Her tongue swirled, my hand in her hair tightening as I moaned, long and hard. I felt like I was going to come already, delicious pleasure curling inside me, winding tighter and tighter. It felt so good; like nothing I’d ever felt before.

I looked down at her one last time, watching her suck and lick at me as I gently fucked her mouth, hips rocking. She hummed, wrapping her hands tightly around my thighs.

And that was it for me; the bubble that was growing inside of me popped, and I felt a rush of liquid squirt out of me as I cried out, body thrumming and pulsing with pleasure; head thrown back, hand curling in hair, thighs shaking.

I whimpered from the overpowering feelings inside of me, and I didn’t even get chance to process the end of my orgasm before the Doctor stood up, gently pushing two fingers inside of me as she did. I gasped as I felt the delicious pleasure of being entered, her fingers needing no aid to slip inside of me.

I could feel myself pulsing around her, and I stared into her eyes, her lips wet with me. She stood close, pressing our breasts together, eyes dark and passionate before kissing my neck. She slipped a thigh in between my legs which pushed her fingers hard into me at the same time I felt her centre rub my own thigh.

I think I could’ve cried in that moment. I wrapped my hands around her body, trailing my nails up her back, hearing her throaty groan down my ear. She started fucking me with her fingers, and I rocked my hips back and forth with her movements. I reached down, wrapping my hands on her arse, using it as leverage to thrust her against my thigh and push her fingers harder into me.

Her breaths were erratic at my ear, her moans throaty, low, and the most gorgeously arousing thing I’ve ever heard.

“Doctor,” I whimpered, encouraging her with my hands on her arse. “I want you to fuck me faster.”

She let out a primal groan, pumping her fingers faster inside of me, feeling the way they caressed my inner walls, her thigh pushing the palm of her hand into my clit with every thrust.

The thigh that she was fucking was becoming soaked, and I marvelled at how she moved over it, face contorted in pleasure, brow furrowed, hips thrusting madly over me, fingers buried deep inside me.

“Oh, Doc-“ I moaned, unable to complete what I was saying due to a bolt of pleasure so strong it took my breath away.

The bubble burst again, and I felt myself flutter around her fingers, more squirts of liquid rushing over them and out of me, coating her hand. I groaned, digging my hands into her arse, encouraging her to fuck me harder still, all the while moaning while riding out my orgasm.

She suddenly abruptly stopped her hips; her fingers being pulled out of me cut my orgasm short. She moved away from me like I was a disease, all arousal simmering into a shaky defeat. I slid down the wall, feeling empty like the last time she fucked me that way.

I looked up at her, her pussy was pink, wet and open. It was beautiful and looked like it was about ready to orgasm. But then I looked to her face. She looked scared, like I had hurt her.

“Are you okay, babe?” The term of endearment slipped out without me meaning for it to.

My heart was hammering, a sickly feeling pooling in my belly at the look in her eyes.

She was shaking.

“Did I hurt you? I’m so sorry, Doctor. I-“

Her voice was quiet. “It wasn’t you.”

I stood up, slipping a little on the wet floor, suddenly feeling the cold air, skin breaking out in goose bumps without the Doctor’s heated touch. I turned the shower on, warming us both, before I tugged her into a hug, pulling her tight to me, the water warming us.

She clung to me like I was her lifeline, she was certainly mine, and the feeling of our naked skin caressing each other was now more comforting rather than arousing. I kissed her ear softly.

“I’m here, it’s okay,” I whispered, knowing she would talk about it when she was ready.

Only, she didn’t.

 


End file.
